


First Time Again

by Lexilindale35



Category: A Court of Thorns and Roses Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fantasy, Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, F/M, Soul Bond
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-12
Updated: 2017-11-02
Packaged: 2018-12-01 03:20:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 48,456
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11477544
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lexilindale35/pseuds/Lexilindale35
Summary: Once upon a time Cassian and Nesta grew up as best friends.Then Cassian was put into the foster care system and shipped away.When he comes home to see his best friend after fifteen years they both learn Cassian is from a long line of supernaturals.And the moment he touches Nesta, everything changes for both of them.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Get ready for angst. For romance.   
> For our favorite Nessian pushed into a bond like love in the modern setting with fantasy mixed in.

"It's not fair," my best friend said with his slight lisp. His hair was too long, his mom never got it cut. A lot of people thought he was a girl. It hung in his face, to his shoulders, "I don't wanna move. Why do I gotta move because my mom can't take care of me?"

I sighed, "I don't know. I don't want you to move either Cass."

For as long as we've lived beside him Cassian's mother never took care of him. She was in and out at odd hours. She never talked to my dad or acknowledged us as neighbors. Cassian had started coming to our house when we were three. He wandered into our yard and my mom was here. She said he was welcome anytime.

We had been attached ever since. Where I went he followed. Where you found one the other was bound to be too. Sometimes people would mistake us for twins.

They were putting his stuff in a car. We didn't know who was taking him, his mom had already been taken away. She was unfit Cassian told me the police man said. Whatever that meant. Unfit for what? Cassian took care of himself. He helped me take care of my sisters.

"You don't have a mom and they aren't taking you away," there were tears in his eyes. In all my seven years I had never seen my best friend cry, "why can't I stays with you?"

I shrugged, "I don't know Cass. I wish you could stay too."

We clung to each other as they gathered what they deemed he was allowed to take. The woman with blonde hair and bright red lips smiled at us as if she thought this was sweet. She didn't realize she was tearing us apart. She didn't realize she was taking away my best friend, my only friend. 

Cassian had been there when my mom died. Feyre had been barely three months old, Elain was only two. I was five and I watched my dad fall apart. For the last two years I've been helping him. Feyre could walk because I taught her how. Elain was using full sentences now, except she was really shy.

I was the one helping with my sisters. My dad had checked out. If anyone was unfit to be a parent it was him.

"Okay Cassian, it's time to go," the red lipped lady pulled on his arm.

He held onto me tighter, "no. Nesta please."

The tears that had been in his eyes escaped and slid down his cheek, "you're my best friend Cass," I hugged him tightly as he hugged me, "don't forget that. I promise."

He held up his hand and wrapped his pinkie around mine, "may we meet again."

"We will," I smiled as she pulled us apart and somehow ushered Cassian to the car. I watched them drive away, my little heart breaking as the tail lights faded from view. He was gone. My best friend, my only friend.

And now I was left to raise my sisters alone.

*~*~*

15 years later

The heat was killing me. The air conditioning broke last week and the owner of this run down bar was too cheap to fix it. He was too cheap to pay me what I deserved so I guess I shouldn't be surprised. Tonight was even more unbearable than the others. I wasn't sure why, the place wasn't even busy yet. I pressed the cold cloth against the back of my neck and sighed. It was a short amount of relief, but it was some.

I closed my eyes thinking about everything, about the life I had barely lived but endured. Feyre was supposed to hear back from that art school sometime this week. Elain was more than likely at home, tending to her garden. She had the best green thumb in this town and kept us filled with vegetables. Her tomatoes always won the annual contest. 

Then there was me. I was still working here, at Rita's because someone had to pay the bills. Someone had to make sure Feyre got through school. One of us had to make it out of this one horse town alive.

I started at the bar when I was sixteen. Joe hired me as a waitress and promised me I could keep the house with what he was going to pay me. Until I turned eighteen his promise held true. I earned enough money to keep our little house and make sure my sisters had a roof over their heads. I made them focus on school while I barely passed my classes. I wanted them to excel, I wanted them to get out of here.

Then I turned eighteen and Joe promoted me to bartender. Which wasn’t a promotion, because he cut my pay. Said I’d be working for tips instead of just working the tables. By that time our dad had died and we were barely scrapping together enough for the house let alone to put food on the table. Elain had started her garden though, and that kept us fed through the winter.

Somehow we managed. This town was small and we had neighbors who helped us. We had become the charity case around these parts. Everyone knew if there were old clothes they were getting rid of or leftovers they weren’t going to eat, they could show up at the Acheron house and we would be more than grateful. In the beginning I hated it, I hated that I couldn’t take care of my sisters. But I learned that I could only do so much and these people genuinely wanted to help us. They weren’t doing it because they pitied us. They were doing it because they loved us.

And they had promised my mother when she got sick that they would always care for us. They would love us like we were their own.

My mom had grown up in this small town. She knew everyone and everyone had known her. I guess that’s why they loved us so much, because I was reminded daily how I looked exactly like her at this age. Everyone told me I was her spitting image, even down to the fierceness I held when it came to taking care of my sisters. Sometimes hearing them say those things hurt, but most days it made me proud.

I wanted to make my mom proud. Because I had promised her as she took her last breath that I would look out for my sisters. I would take care of them for her. 

I opened my eyes and looked around. The bar was still the same shitty shade of brown. The same regulars littered the bar stools, already too many beers into the early evening. I guess that was job security though. Same people, same bills. I couldn't wait for the day when I would be the one to get out of this town. I just had to get Feyre there first.

I rolled my shoulders as Tomas came in. We had dated once upon a time and it ended as quickly as it had began. His brother Grayson had gone after Elain. I stopped that before it even started. Rumor had it the Mandray boys take after their father. Who uses his fists to make their mother listen. I had always been a little reserved, but I would never let a man manhandle me. And I would be six feet under before I left anyone hurt my sisters. Especially sweet Elain.

"Hey Nes," he slid onto his bar stool, "can I get a glass?"

I rolled my eyes and filled a cold glass with beer. The air conditioning was broken but the fridge that held the glasses and alcohol was perfectly in tune. Of course these were Joe's priorities. Customers paid for beer whether it was hot as hell or cold as ice in here. His theory was they paid for more if they were on the verge of a heat stroke.

I slide the glass to him without comment. Ever since our one date he came in the same time everyday. After work on his way home he showed up. I even changed my schedule one week and he followed. I had shut him down time and time again, but that didn't stop him from trying. He always tried to get me to agree to another date. To try again.

And I always said no.

The door opened loudly, banging against the wall, as I grabbed a plate off the counter and took it to the sink. It wasn't our busy hour yet, but I was the only bartender. The waitresses didn't come in for another half an hour. I was trying to keep myself busy. So I didn't see who sat down until I came back out and I went to take their drink order.

My jaw dropped when his dark eyes met mine. They were the same golden eyes that I used to dream about as a child. Even after all this time his dark hair fell to his shoulders. It curled at the ends and I was taken back a million years. To when I had been softer, when I had someone to share my burden with. For a moment my throat closed up and I didn't know what to say.

He smiled slowly as I took him in, "hey stranger. Long time no see." 

"Oh my gosh," I shook my head. I couldn't believe he was sitting here. I couldn't believe he was back. I couldn't believe he wasn't seven years old anymore.

My body wanted to rush around the counter and pull him into my arms. But I stopped myself. I wasn't that little girl anymore, I wasn't as open as I had once been. Still I wanted to touch him, to know this wasn't my mind messing with me. This wasn't a dream, it was real life.

"Nesta Acheron. Look at you. All grown up." His eyes flashed as he looked me up and down. I blushed wondering what exactly he saw. I wanted to know if he was impressed. Or if he still saw me as that little girl I had once been.

Cassian had filled out, puberty had been kind to him. His shoulders were broad, he was wearing a lot more muscle than he had at seven. There was a tattoo snaking around his arm and my eyes followed it, disappeared under his sleeve. He looked good, I never really thought about what he'd look like at this age. I had tried to forget him.

Tried and failed.

"Cassian Moten," I whispered still unsure this was real, "what are you doing back here?"

His smile grew and it knocked the air out of my lungs. He met my eyes, "I was passing through and your sister told me I'd find you here. I've missed you."

I laughed, "we were seven. You can't remember me."

His eyes flashed, "I remember you."

He held his pinkie up and I blushed, "oh my gosh. I don't believe it. Where did they take you?"

"A foster family in Minnesota. It sucked, there were so many older boys who kicked me around. I moved from there after a year. I was moved around so much I barely had time to learn my foster parents names. No one ever adopted me, so when I turned eighteen I bailed. I thought about coming home so many times. But I couldn't do it. I've been wandering since. Working here and there. And I just had this feeling I needed to come back here. To find my best friend again. My uncle let me crash with him."

Tears choked me, "they wouldn't tell me where you were. I wrote you letters so many letters, but that bitch told me to let you go. It would only hurt us both if we kept in contact."

Cassian's hand was so close to mine, "well I didn't forget you. You were the only friend I had. My blue eyed Nesta."

"I might have missed you," I said quietly, "my dad checked out after you left. He died a few years ago and now it's just the three of us."

Cassian's face fell, "I'm sorry Nesta."

I shrugged, "he wasn't much of a father anyways. It wasn't that big of a loss. So where are you staying?"

I wiped down the bar near him, trying not to stare at him. It was hard not to, he looked so much like a man now. The memory I had was of a seven year old boy holding onto me while they took him away. The man in front of me looked like he could crush me with a single fist.

"I found my uncle," I raised an eyebrow. He had hated his uncle when he was little, "he told me he knows who my dad is. He said he'd help me find him."

"Do you want to meet him?"

Cassian shrugged, "I'm not sure. I'm thinking about it. But for now he's letting me crash with him. He feels guilty he didn't for me when I was younger."

I nodded, "well he should. How long have you been back? How long are you staying?"

"I got back last week. I um. Have been working up the nerve to see you. I wasn't sure you were still here but then I heard everyone talking about the Acheron sisters and I knew you were one. I missed you Nes."

I blushed, "I missed you too," I swallowed the lump in my thrust, "you were the only one who was there for it all. You were the only one who cared. When you left I lost my partner in crime. It was hard to grow up without you."

"Yeah. I couldn't make friends because I told everyone I already had a friend. She was here and she was waiting for me."

He smiled and I shook my head, "well she was here. But she had to grow up fast. She had to raise her sisters. Who somehow turned out okay."

Cassian gave me a sheepish smile. "Can I come over and see them? I'll make you guys dinner and we can catch up."

I bit my lip and wondered what my sisters would say. They probably didn't remember Cassian, Feyre wouldn't. She had been a baby. Elain always looked at him like he put the stars in the sky. Like he was the big brother she never had. 

"Yeah okay. I think they'd like that," I felt my cheek turn red as he kept staring at me. His gaze was a lot different from when we were seven. 

Cassian held up his pinkie, "it's a date then."

I laughed as I wrapped mine around his. Then something happened. I saw Cassian and I saw myself. I saw myself standing there in a red gown, waiting for him at the end of an aisle. There were flowers in my hair. I saw him chasing me down the beach, laughing carelessly as he caught me, kissing me. I heard him whisper my name while we were tangled up in white sheets, his hands burning my skin. I felt him in each moment, just as I felt my own heart pounding inside my chest.

Cassian gasped, "its you," my eyes opened and he was staring at me, "I thought he was crazy. But I. It's you."

"What? Just happened?" I asked pulling away from him.

Cassian walked around the bar and caught me as my knees gave out. I leaned into him and he held onto me, "you're my mate," he whispered, "my soul mate. My uncle. We imprinted."

I couldn't help but laugh, "this isn't real. This is a dream, I'm dreaming."

"I knew I never forgot you for a reason."

"Cassian you're talking crazy."

"My uncle. He can explain it. Nesta do you trust me?" His brown eyes were bright as he asked me that question. Slowly I stood up and met his gaze.

"Yeah. I don't know why. But I trust you. I think. I think I care about you more than I did before."

"That's the imprint. Can you get out of here? I need to talk to my uncle and I want to bring you with me. He can explain everything. I only know bits and pieces. And I only learned what this all is last week."

I looked at the clock. My relief would be here soon, "give me a few minutes."

Cassian nodded and then moved to let me go. My entire body rebelled at the thought of his hands leaving my skin. But I swallowed my protests down and tried to stand on my own. My chest was tight, a sweat was breaking out on my forehead. If my hands were wrapped around my shirt they would've been shaking.

Tomas had been watching us. After a moment he snorted, "the bastard cousin returns. Little Cassian, hitting on my woman once again."

I grabbed Cassian's shirt, standing on my own before Tomas could get closer. Cassian's arm found it way around my waist. I felt his need to protect me. I felt his need to shut Tomas down.

"Tomas. So happy for this little reunion.”

When we were younger Cassian told me about his cousin. They were never close, his mom had left him at his uncle’s house a few times when she was doing whatever it was she was doing. And he hated his cousin. But he never told him his name and I never realized that Tomas was the cousin. I looked down at my hand, I was holding tightly to Cassian’s arm.

It felt right. standing there with him, holding onto him. His skin against mine, it soothed the fears that had hit me since the moment Cassian’s pinkie had wrapped around me. Like hew as my own form of drug, like he was the only thing that I would ever need ever again.

"My dad told me you were crashing with us. I didn't believe it,” Tomas gave him a sickening smile. His eyes sweeping over us, “now that you’re back there's a few rules you need to know. One Nesta is mine."

I glared at Tomas, "I told you I'd never belong to you Tomas. Cass and I were best friends before I even knew you."

He looked at the way Cassian was standing. My heart was racing because Tomas was threatening him. Whatever this imprint was, whatever had just happened, it made the way I felt for Cassian implode. My heart could barely imagine never being near him again. I clung to him and felt his need to put himself between me and his cousin who was threatening me.

"You didn't," his eyes got wide as he looked at the two of us, "no she was supposed to choose me!"

"You don't choose the imprint," Cassian growled as he finally put himself between me and his cousin, "you should know that Tomas."

"This is crazy," I laughed as I closed my eyes. My head was spinning, "this can't be real."

Cassian turned to me, ignoring Tomas as he swore. I shook my head, tears clouding my vision. My lungs felt like they were on fire, my body was exhausted. And before I could hear whatever Cassian was about to say, before his words reached my ears, I collapsed in his arms and the darkness swallowed me whole.


	2. Chapter 2

When I came back to my head was in Cassian’s lap, but there were a few pair of eyes staring down at me. Tomas was one of them. I let out a slow breath, my head was pounding, but I felt a sense of reassurance as I laid there. My cheeks burned from blushing so hard. Cassian helped me sit up and then pushed my hair out of my face. His eyes searched me for injuries.

“Are you okay?” he asked quietly. His hands were still framing my face. I leaned into him without thinking.

“Yeah I just,” my heart skipped a beat and Cassian smiled, “I had this crazy dream. That you and I —.” he was shaking his head, “what that actually happened?”

“Can I please take you to my uncle now? I need him to explain everything to both of us.”

Tomas was glaring at us as Cassian helped me stand up. I leaned into him more because of the fact that my body wanted me to than because I actually wanted to. At least that’s what I told myself, because my head was spinning. Between seeing my best friend again and whatever this imprint was, I felt like I was crazy.

And then there was Tomas, “I can’t believe you touched her before I did, man. I was supposed to imprint first. I’m older than you.”

Cassian glared at his cousin, “according to your father that’s not how it works. And you’re the one who grew up already knowing the facts.”

Tomas rolled his eyes, “I’ve had my eyes on her for the last three years man. Then you just show up, with your muscles and long hair and she bats her eyelashes and you’re both gone. That’s not fair! She always turns me down. She turned everyone down. What makes you so special?”

Cassian flashed him a cocky grin, “I guess I’m just special man.”

I squeezed his hand, “can you please get me out of here? Everyone is staring and I don’t like crowds.”

Cassian laughed, “let’s go.”

We walked in silence for a few minutes as the cool air cleared my head. It wasn’t dark yet, but the weather had changed to more comfortable since before my shift started. I carried my bag on my shoulder and kept a little distance between me and Cassian. I wasn’t sure how to feel, what to think. My mind was spinning and yet my body was begging to touch him again.

“I feel like I’m caught in a dream,” I laughed slightly as Cassian took a step closer to me, “like if you pinch me I’ll wake up.”

His rubbed his neck, “I thought my uncle was crazy when he explained the reason why my mother shipped me away. I mean she knew my uncle was here but when I was taken away she never mentioned family. She wanted me to get away from them all. And he said they searched for me, but they were never told where I was.”

“I’m sorry,” I reached out and touched his arm. He relaxed slightly, “it’s okay. I understand now she was protecting me from all this. Except she wasn’t. Because if it had happened before Luc told me what it was, before I was ready and with someone I didn’t even know, I would’ve been committed.”

“Why did it choose me?”

His smile was crooked and even more beautiful than I remembered, “because I think it knew how much I missed my best friend. Because in a way I think I came home for you, for this.”

We were quiet for the rest of the walk, which wasn’t too far. Cassian’s uncle lived on the nicer part of town. His house was beautiful, ours was a closet compared to this. Cassian held my hand tightly as we walked towards the white building, stealing my anxiety before it hit me. I smiled at him gratefully. He was suddenly my rock in this very unknown world.

"Uncle Luc! I'm home," Cassian called out. The house was very empty, "and I uh. I need to talk to you."

We stood in the kitchen and waited. A man with bright red hair and a scar along his left eye appeared. I realized then that the eye underneath the scar was glass. He smiled when he saw Cassian, but his face broke out when he saw me.

"Oh my stars. It's happened," he gasped as he looked at our hands. Cassian restrained himself. It took everything in him not to shield me from his own uncle. I could feel his need to protect me from everything, it was overloading him. Suddenly everything had become a threat to me and in that aspect to him as well.

“Uncle Lucien. I don't. We don't. We touched and we saw things and I guess what you told me is true. This is all real,” Cassian couldn't form a single sentence. Neither could I, "what is this?"

His uncle gave me a huge smile. His eyes, or eye, didn't leave me. He looked me up and down slowly, as if we had met before.

"Nesta," he whispered, "we've been waiting for you for a long time. Cassian deserves you, you both need each other."

A lump formed in my throat, "what's happening?"

Lucien looked at his nephew, “I told you, you were sent away all those years ago because your mother thought it was safer. She thought she could protect you by taking you away from our family. But it only put you in more danger. She also saw how close you and Nesta were. It scared her."

"Uncle Luc. I don't understand."

"Please sit," he motioned to the chairs but neither of us moved, "okay. Well. I guess we'll all stand then."

I held Cassian's hand tighter, "I feel like I'm crazy. This is all crazy."

"No no. You aren't crazy, Nesta," Lucien took a step towards me. Cassian pulled me back, "ah my apologizes. I forgot the bond will be raw. It's refreshing to see a young couple so newly imprinted. I've forgotten what that's like."

Cassian blew out a breath, "uncle Luc explain. Nesta's heart is going crazy."

He ran a hand through his long red hair. Then he blew out a breath. "We're from a long line of Ourboros. We are the beginning and the end of the shadow world. We were the first to be released, fae blood runs through our veins. And we are the end. We stop the rest of the evil things from entering this world."

"But we aren't evil?" I asked slightly breathless.

"No. We stop the evil."

My mind was spinning. My hands ached to touch Cassian, to stop the anxiety that flooded through me. But I stayed where I was, I didn't reach for him. I took in a deep breath and let the words sink into my skin.

"I feel like I've stepped into one of my favorite books. You mean we fight demons? Like shadowhunters?"

Cassian laughed but his uncle looked confused, "uh. Shadow what? No we protect the others from a shadow world. And before this life, possibly a long time ago, you were one of us. Which is why Cassian's touch awaken the bond. Because you've always been his other half."

He rubbed his hands on his legs, "and something wicked is coming. The bonds have stopped until now. And I think that you're going to be the key to stopping whatever it is lurking in the shadows."

Cassian pulled me closer, "I feel like I can't keep my hands off you."

I giggled as his uncle smiled, "that's the bond. You'll do everything better together. Her touch is your cure to everything. It's normal. Just take it slow son," Cassian's eyes got tears at the word son, "she's still adjusting."

"I know uncle Lucien. I can feel her heart beating."

"What about my sisters? If I was once one of you does that mean they are too?"

He shook his head, "no. Our souls pick who they inhabit it doesn't always mean siblings are too. Your special Nesta. I can feel it."

Cassian's arms wound around my waist, "yeah. I can feel it too."

It felt weird and yet completely right to be drawn to Cassian. My body relaxed as he touched me, my heart slowed down. I wasn't worried about how different my best friend was. I wasn't even worried that I was going to push him away. I just knew I wanted him. I just wanted to be right here in his arms.

"It's the bond," his uncle smiled, the red in his hair seemed brighter, "the fact that you aren't afraid of this. Of him. He calms you. He is your drug, Nesta. You're scared, but he takes that away."

I swallowed the lump in my throat, "what happens if we aren't together?"

"Well you will suffer withdrawals. Yours will be worse than Cassian's because you have less magic in your blood. You're more human even if our ancestors picked you. So now it'll feel like you're sick. But if you wake up beside him you'll have the best rest of your life."

I thought about my sisters. What would they think if I randomly decided to let someone move in after only having him back in my life for less than twelve hours? Then again they weren’t going to stay forever. Feyre would be leaving soon. If she got into the art school. Still they wouldn't be thrilled if I randomly told them my once best friend was staying with us.

"Don't worry," Cassian took a step back but kept his hand in mine, "I'm not moving in tomorrow. I still want to get to know you again, Nes."

I winced at his use of Tomas’s nickname. I saw him understand the moment it crossed my mind. I couldn’t help but smile and see him work out the fact that he would never call me Nes again, "it seems like you already do."

"I can feel your anxiety, your fears. I won't push you if you're not ready. We’ll go as slow as I had planned before. I told you I came back for you."

I blushed as Lucien smiled, "Cassian felt a pull to you even when he was a child, Nesta. His mother never told him, but we always know there's something different about us.”

He let out a breath and went on.

"You have to take it slow. Cassian's scent will mix with yours and the demons will know. They've been searching for you Nesta. The shadows you see aren't harmless. They’ve been waiting for you to wake, for the bond to take hold. They can’t attack you until they know you’re truly one of our other halves. Just, be careful okay? Once you're together the door opens. You need to gain your abilities before that happens."

"Abilities?" I went stiff. Cassian's thumb brushed against the back of my hand.

"You will get powers, abilities, gifts, whatever you want to call it. We have no idea what they will be. But they will help you fight. Your strength will become greater, your speed too. You will become a fighter. And of course everything you do with Cassian will be done better. Don't be scared, you'll be with each other when it happens."

Lucien let out a breath. His eyes went to his nephew and back again, "the shadows want to break you two before you get your abilities. You don't remember your past lives because they more than likely took you away from each other. Please be careful, okay?"

Cassian squeezed my hand softly, "we'll be careful uncle Luc. I won't let anything hurt her, she's too important to me. She always has been."

I smiled slightly as he looked at me. My body wasn't panicking because he was touching me. But my mind was swirling. Shadows and demons, hunting me? The stories I heard as a child were real and I had been in love with Cassian since the start of time? I could barely understand what I felt for my former best friend, let alone another world full of evil beings.

Cassian felt my panic and stepped closer. I looked at Lucien. He looked so happy to see us together. As if he had been there for all the other times.

"You two were always the hardest to convince. But you were always the hardest to separate," he said softly, "I'm so glad you found each other again."

We stood there for a moment. Lucien watching as Cassian kept his hand in mine and I tried to figure out what to feel about this entire situation. My body was warm and flooded with mixed emotions. Cassian was thrilled. I was happy, but also a little hesitant to give into those feelings. 

I was slightly scared. Not of the evil shadows, not of Cassian. I was scared of myself. I was scared to let myself fall for him. I was terrified to lose myself to someone else.

Because all I had ever known were my sisters. And now they didn't need me anymore. Wouldn't there come a day when Cassian didn't need me either?

"I don't think so," he whispered softly, "even before all this I wanted you again. I missed you."

I turned my face towards his and smiled. My hands were shaking but he held them gently, letting me go through my own emotions without forcing his on me.

"Tomorrow," Cassian looked at his uncle and let me have my moment, "will be the worst right?"

The red head sighed, "yes. Tomorrow is the first after the imprint it will be the worst. But after that it will get easier. You'll learn to disagree, to fight and make up as if the bond didn't hold you together. Nesta are you okay?"

I bit my lip I nodded slowly, "yeah. I think I should go home," my head was spinning and I knew my sisters would start looking for me soon. I looked at Cassian, "I mean I should. But. My body is rejecting the idea of leaving you."

He laughed, "I'll walk you home."

I nodded and he looked at his uncle, "we can talk more when I get back? I think I need you to explain everything a little deeper."

"Of course," Lucien smiled, "and your father. He'll be thrilled. He's the champion of our family and he's been waiting years to have a newly mated couple."

Cassian winced, "I don't want to meet him yet."

"Of course. When the time is right." 

I leaned into Cassian as he glared at his uncle. I pulled his anger out and he relaxed against me. I brushed my thumb against his cheek fighting the urge to kiss him. He had been back in my life for less than 12 hours. I needed to get my head evaluated if this was real. Because I could barely think about anything other than jumping him right in this moment. From biting that grimace off his beautifully handsome, tragic face.

"Walk me home," I whispered as I gave in and kissed the corner of his mouth, "please."

He swallowed, "yeah. Okay let's go."

He pulled me out of the house and once the fresh air hit I took in a giant breath. 

"That was... a lot," I finally said as we walked slowly down the street, "you believe it?"

"It's hard not to when I felt what I did the moment we touched. And I've always missed you, I've always felt I was supposed to find you again. So yeah I do believe him. He's also been telling me the same story for the last week."

I looked at Cassian and felt a surge of pride, of undeniable need for me. I held his hand tighter, wishing he'd pull me into his side.

"So are we still on for our date? I don't want to scare you, but I'm already wishing we could spend the night together."

"Yeah," I felt that same feeling of wanting to spend every minute with him, "but can we have our own date first? Without my sisters? Tomorrow?"

"You read my mind," he whispered as he pulled me closer, "tomorrow. You and me. No bonds. No imprints just two best friends catching up."

I nodded, his fingers tightening on my waist, "it's a date," I held up my pinkie and he wrapped his around mine.

"We can catch up with your sisters after we've figured this all out," he let out a sigh and looked at me, "just for the record before whatever this bond or imprint happened, I felt drawn to you again."

I smiled, "me too. I guess absence really did make the heart fonder didn't it?"

He nodded, smiling as he brushed my hair back, "I know we got sidetracked but I'm really glad I'm home," he whispered softly as he walked with me, "I'm really glad you're still here."

I smiled, "I'm really glad you're home too."

We got to my door, "damn. It looks exactly the same. I can't believe it all looks the same."

I smiled as I leaned into him, "so tomorrow morning..."

"I'll come right away. Leave the door unlocked. I'll be quiet."

I nodded, "okay. I can feel your heart," I whispered as I pressed my hand against his chest, "in here and beside mine."

He smiled, "I know. I think that's my favorite part."

I closed my eyes waiting to see if he was going to kiss me. Our faces were so close. Our breath mixing together. But he didn't close the distance, he didn't press his lips to mine. He kept his distance as if he was afraid of making a move too soon.

"I'll see you tomorrow," he squeezed my hand, "oh and Nesta. You can't tell them."

I nodded, "I know. It's our secret now."

He leaned in and pressed his lips to my cheek, "goodnight sweetheart."

I melted at his new choice of nickname. I felt his pride flare knowing he already effected me so much. When I tried to move, to turn and walk in the door, I couldn't. I let out a breath but my legs were stuck. They felt like lead. Cassian was waiting for me to go inside. He raised an eyebrow at me.

"I can't go in," I said softly, "Cass I can't walk away from you."

He laughed slightly, "Lucien said this would happen," he framed my face with his hands, "go inside and see your sisters Nes. I'll come back tomorrow I promise. And you've got me right here."

He pressed my hand against his chest and I felt his heart beating with my own. I took in a breath and swallowed the lump in my throat. I turned before I could get stuck again and went into the house.

It smelled amazing. Feyre was cooking when I walked in. Her face lit up, "Nesta! Oh good you’re finally home! Guess what. I got it! I got the scholarship!"

She jumped into my arms before the anxiety could flood my body. I hugged her back, focusing on my sister instead of whatever it was inside my body screaming for Cassian to come back. I let out a breath and tried to stop thinking about him. It made things a little easier.

I pulled back and looked at my baby sister, "I'm so happy for you Fey. If anyone deserves it its you."

There were tears in her eyes. She wiped them away and laughed, "I made you dinner. To celebrate. To thank you. You always put me above the rest and you worked so hard to get me through school. I never thanked you."

"I'm you're big sister. Of course I would take care of you."

She shrugged, "I know. But you didn't have to. You deserve so much and you sacrificed it for us. So we're having dinner and celebrating. Everything is from Elain's garden. She should be home soon too."

I hugged her again, feeling my own wave of emotions flood over me. I loved my sisters, but I felt a need for Cassian. A want for him. I wanted to celebrate with him, to include him in this moment. I felt him pull on whatever tethered us together as if he was asking if I was okay. I let out a shaky breath and shook my head. 

I watched Feyre finish getting dinner ready and I realized what this was. My sisters didn't need me anymore. We were all grown up. I wanted Cassian to be here in this moment with me because I felt like I was losing my sisters. Elain was in a good spot and Feyre was now leaving for school come the end of summer.

"Thanks Feyre," I whispered as I wiped away a few tears. She finished setting the table as I watched. I decided to tell my sister part of my good news, "so guess who I saw today."

"Cassian," she giggled and wiggled her eyebrows, "he was asking for you. I don't remember him, but damn. He isn't seven anymore."

I laughed, "yeah. He asked me out on a date. Is that weird? We were best friends when we were babies. And now he wants to date me?"

I sat down at the table as she stirred whatever was in the pot, "I think it's fate."

I rolled my eyes. Feyre started talking about school and I kept thinking about Cassian. Maybe it was fate, maybe it was okay. Feyre was going to school, Elain didn't need me to hold her hand anymore. She had started to come out of whatever darkness Grayson had pulled her into. I could move on with my life since my sisters were moving on with theirs. I could finally be a teenager, or a twenty two year old. And I could find myself with Cassian.

I couldn't help but smile. I wanted Cassian. The fears and doubts were slowly fading without his touch as I sat there thinking of his handsome face. I realized as I looked out the window I was already counting down the minutes until he showed up tomorrow. It wasn't the bond that wanted him or needed him. It was me. I missed my best friend again already.

Maybe, just maybe, this whole thing wasn't so crazy after all.


	3. Chapter 3

When I woke up my head was pounding. My throat was dry. I felt like I was dying, my body was hot and cold all at once. I coughed, wincing as the sunlight hit my eyes. The throbbing in my head got even worse. I pulled at my blankets and turned, a wave of nausea hit me. The room tilted, I felt like I was about to be sick. Like I had the flu or food poisoning. It all hit me at once and I could barely find the strength to move.

I pushed myself up out of bed and walked slowly towards the bathroom. I splashed my face with water. I pressed my hand full of cold water to the back of my neck thinking it would help my fever. I stood up straighter and caught my reflection. I gasped slightly, I looked pale. My hands were shaking and I realized why. On top of feeling physically sick, I was starting to panic. So much had happened yesterday.

My best friend had come home, a man I didn’t know. I haven’t seen him in fifteen years and yet the moment he flashed me that smile I felt myself fall. And then he touched me and I was suddenly someone I didn’t recognize. We were apart of a world that was a fairytale. This couldn’t be real. It couldn’t be, because I lived in reality. But it was there inside my chest, telling me that I needed Cassian. He was the other half of my soul and it was a wonder I had lived this long without him.

I felt sick again. My stomach flipped and I closed my eyes, holding onto the sink for support. The idea of needing Cassian, of being imprinted with him, suddenly attached to someone. I had always been independent, how could I become this girl who needed someone to touch me in order to be okay?

I didn't want to be that girl. All the calmness that had flooded through me yesterday went out the window. My lungs were starting to give out, it was a struggle to bring air into them. My hands kept shaking, my face lost even more color. I let out a breath and the room spun. I wasn't in control of my emotions. I felt something strain inside my chest. I knew what it was and that made it even worse. knowing that this bond, this supernatural thing inside my chest was making me feel this way, was making me crave a man I didn’t even know.

It made my heart hurt and my head spin. I couldn’t control anything as the lights flickered and I knew that was my doing as well. Lucien had said we would get powers. I didn’t want to be a freak. That sent a whole new bout of fears and doubts into my head and suddenly my vision failed. The room was blurry because tears filled my eyes and my lungs were working in overdrive.

My knees gave out and I slid to the floor as the aches got worse. I was crazy for believing his uncles story. I was crazy for thinking my former best friend could be my soul mate. Soul mates weren't even real. I pushed my hair out of my face and closed my eyes trying to drown out the ringing in my ears.

I didn't hear the door open, I didn't even know someone else was there until his scent hit me. Warmth flooded to me through my chest and I realized Cassian had been as frazzled as I had been. We had both been in need of each other. We were both a mess until the very moment he knelt down beside me.

"Nesta. I got here as fast as I could," he whispered as he wrapped his arms around me. I closed my eyes, his touch already calming me down. I sighed as the pain and the fears left me. Cassian's lips passed over my temple. I clung to him in a way I had never clung to anyone else before.

"Cass," I sighed slowly, my heart filling up now that he was here, "that was horrible."

He laughed, "I know. It sucked. But I'm here now."

"Yeah," I smiled. My cheeks burned as I turned to look at him. He looked very put together for it being so early. His long hair was pulled back, his brown eyes sparkled. God I couldn't believe how good he looked now. I bit my lip at his smile, "hi."

He laughed, running his thumb down my cheek and across my jaw. He was memorizing my face the way I had been memorizing his, “hey there pretty girl."

He brushed my hair behind my ear and then stepped back. We had gotten our bodies back together and he realized this wasn’t exactly the best way to start our day off. I wasn’t dressed and we weren’t at that point yet. We had only found each other again yesterday.

I laughed at the awkward moment we shared. Cassian’s eyes sparkled as he looked down at my clothing, "so uh. I should let you get dressed."

I laughed again at the stutter in his voice. His eyes found mine. My old faded band tee shirt and shorts probably weren't the most attractive pajamas he had ever seen. I ran my fingers through my hair and tried to stop blushing, "so does this mean our date starts now?"

Cassian's smile was adorable. Half his face lit up. He nodded slowly, "yeah. As soon as you're dressed.” He kissed my cheek. It seemed like the only move he was comfortable with so far, "I'll go uh. Converse with your sisters."

I winced, "are they awake?"

"I might have ran past Feyre when I got here. But I could feel your panic and your pain. So I uh. Should probably explain."

My cheeks burned, "shit. She'll never let me live this down. I mean you just came back yesterday."

Cassian laughed. He squeezed me one last time and then stepped back, "you're adorable in the morning," he whispered softly. 

I let out a breath and rolled my eyes, "yeah. Sure," I laughed and then waved him away, "I need to get dressed."

He wiggled his eyebrows, "seven year old Nesta never told me to leave the room."

I stuck my tongue out at him, "yeah well. Seven year old Nesta grew up the moment you left."

He reached out and brushed his fingers over my cheek, "yeah. I think she grew up pretty well."

I blushed, "stop being so sweet," I muttered as I once again waited for him to kiss me. I could feel the tension, I could feel his want. But he didn't move closer, he didn't move to press his lips to mine.

"Slow. Remember sweetheart?" He whispered before stepping away. I nodded as he let himself out and then I turned to grab something to wear.

It was so easy to read him, clearly he could read me too. I felt crazy whenever he wasn't here, like I was suddenly clingy. But whenever he touched me I didn't care. I just wanted him near. Whatever this bond, this imprint was, it was intense. It demanded me to find Cassian even when I tried not to think about him.

I wonder what we had been like in our past life. I wondered who we had been, if I had felt as much for him then as I do now. I had never been the type to jump head first into anything. But this was Cassian, even if he was grown up. I already knew him, at least I felt like I did. I couldn’t believe I would ever feel this way for anyone else. Because my heart never skipped a beat with the other guys who looked my way.

No, even before the imprint I had wanted to know my brown eyed boy again.

I changed into a clean pair of jean shorts and one of my blank flowy tank tops. It flattered my curves and I pulled on a light flannel shirt. I fixed my hair and as I looked at myself in the mirror I saw the subtle changes. My skin was clear, my eyes were bright. There were no dark smudges under them, smudges I had had for years ever since I was the caretaker for my sisters. I looked rested. I looked healthy.

Dare I say it I looked like a girl in love.

I bit my lip, some color brushed the tops of my cheekbones. I smiled slightly and shook my head. I had no idea why, but this entire thing didn’t scare me anymore. Sure I was terrified to meet Cassian’s family, but he was mine. He would be beside me.

I felt his heart beat inside my chest and I knew no matter what, even if his entire family hated me, it wouldn’t matter. Because he had me and I would always have him. 

I listened to Feyre talking to Cassian before I opened my door. She asked him about coming home and the traveling he had done. I heard her telling him about her art school and he sounded so excited for her. I hadn’t been worried about my sisters getting along with Cassian, but in that moment I was happy they took to each other so fast. My sisters were my life, they were my world. Their opinion mattered the most to me.  
Although I knew no matter what the imprint wouldn’t care. I would always choose Cassian over everyone else. And for some reason that didn’t scare me like it used to.

“Nice of you to join us,” Feyre spotted me first, “care to explain why Cassian came busting in here this morning like a bat out of hell?”

I laughed, “because he really wanted to see me,” I answered sitting down beside him. Feyre was making breakfast, and it smelled good. My little sister got all the talent. She could cook, she could draw, she could even make sculptures if she really wanted to. She was good with her hands, whereas I wasn’t. I was good at taking care of people, even if I hated it.

Cassian’s hand brushed my knee, “I explained how I thought you were in trouble,” he winked as she turned her back towards us, “and I told her tomorrow I would knock and I wouldn’t be so rude.”

Feyre shrugged, “I didn’t even get a hello. I jumped out of my skin when he came bounding in and went straight to your room. Scared the life out of me Nesta! And you always scolded me for letting Tamlin in whenever you weren’t up yet.”

“Well that’s mostly because Tamlin was a tool. He was never someone worthy of you, Fey,” I stood up and grabbed a plate, “but I’m sorry. I think we just sort of forgot that we aren’t kids anymore. Cassian used to bust in here all the time when we were seven. If I remember right he used to wake me up every morning when his mom left for the day.”

Cassian laughed, “that I did. I hated being all alone over there. You were my best friend, it was only fair that you wake up too.”

I smiled at him, the use of the word best friend. He nodded his head in understanding as I handed him a plate with some bacon and pancakes on them. His stomach growled as we all gathered around the counter.  
“Where’s Elain?” I asked my youngest sister as we started to eat. God Feyre was a good cook, better than I ever would be.

Feyre sighed, “she went into town looking for some special seeds, I don’t know. She left before I was awake, she left a note.”

I nodded, “okay. Well I think Cassian and I were going to spend the day together. You know catch up and whatnot,” I looked at Feyre and started to worry. After she broke up with Tamlin she went down a dark path. He had been terrible for her, but also to her. She had been depressed and it had taken both Elain and I to bring her back to her normal self. Her painting helped, but I still worried about leaving her alone sometimes. 

“I’ll be fine Nesta,” she touched my hand with hers, “I’m a big girl, we had this talk remember? I am fine, I am better. I promise,” she offered me a smile, “I’m going to work on a few paintings anyways, so I’ll be outside in the sun.”

Cassian watched us and I nodded at my sister. I knew she would be fine, but the worrying never stopped when you cared for someone. Cassian looked at me, he could understand everything because he felt it through me. He understood what had happened to Feyre and he could feel my hesitation in leaving her here after those long months of her locking herself away.

“You better show me these paintings. And you better leave one when you go to this fancy school. I want everyone to know my sister is amazing,” I squeezed her hand and then let out a sigh, “so Cass, what did you have planned today?”

He blushed slightly, “well my uncle wants you to come over today. He's invited the whole family to meet you. Apparently you're a big deal."

I blushed, "even your father?"

He nodded, "yeah. I think. I think I want to meet him. Maybe he can explain everything. And you'll be there so I know that will help.”

"So Feyre," Cassian broke our stare and pulled her into the conversation, "the last time I saw you you were a baby. Now look at you."

She laughed, "I'm not a baby anymore."

I couldn't help but smile as Cassian started to get to know my sister. My heart picked up as he listened to her talk more about her art. God he was perfect, even without this bond inside my chest he had always been perfect to me. Losing him had been like losing part of myself. 

I fought off my fears of all of this as I watched Feyre warm up to the man who was my entire heart now. It was seriously amazing to realize that he was already there, inside my heart. I took in a deep breath, wondering how I had gone fifteen years without him in my life.

"Yeah so I get to check out housing soon. I'm glad you're back cause Nesta will probably fall apart once I move out."

I forced a smile as Cassian glanced my way. He could already feel me. He already knew I was sad she was leaving and yet happy she was getting out of here and finding her own life. Cassian nodded, reading me without even trying.

Feyre finished eating and left us alone. She went to get her things and set herself up outside. I let out a slow breath, “ever since Tamlin hurt her she’s been a little broken. It was really bad last winter, but she’s been better. I just worry about her,” I wanted to tell him. I wanted him to know that was the only reason why I almost told him no to our date today.

“She’s strong, after all she was raised by you,” he let out a breath and touched my hand, “you’re sure you’re okay with this, Nesta? I know meeting my family so fast is a little, weird. But they haven’t had a couple bond in years and well they’re as eager to meet me as they are you.”

“I want to meet your big crazy family. And I want to see what the fuss about us is, because we’re apparently legendary,” I leaned forward and kissed his cheek, “if I have to stop doubting you, then you have to put more faith in me.”

His smile was beautiful, “you’re amazing.”

“And don’t you forget it,” I gave him my own smile before walking our plates to the sink. I rinsed them off and then went back to the counter where Cassian sat watching me. My heart picked up slightly as I took his hand, "so um. Tonight."

"One step at a time," he said quietly, "let's see if you survive my family first. They're apparently very animated."

I stopped him from pulling away as panic flooded through me. Cassian felt it and his heart beat in sync with mine, “wait, will Tomas be there?"

He nodded, "yeah. But I've already talked to uncle Luc. He knows how Tomas has been and he promises to set him straight. And I promise I won't let him near you."

"So raincheck on the date then?" I asked softly as I broke the tension that enveloped him at the mention of his neurotic cousin. I stood up taller and ran my hands across his shoulders.

Cassian all but moaned at the motion, "tomorrow," he laced his fingers through mine, "you and me no interruptions I promise. We will pick up where we left off."

I smiled then nodded in agreement. He pulled me closer to him, our faces inches apart. My heart beat quickly and I thought the moment held what I had been waiting for ever since he sat down at the bar and reentered my life. But he didn’t kiss me, my sister came back into the kitchen. Feyre was watching us as she set her things down, “well I see you two have certainly gotten to know each other better."

She wiggles her eyebrows, "don't start Feyre."

Cassian smiled and let go of my hand, “tell you what, Fey. why don't I make you girls dinner tonight? Since I did barge in here without warning. It’ll be my way of saying I’m sorry and hopefully getting to know you better. Since I plan on spending a lot of time with your big sister again.”

Feyre laughed as I blushed, "if. If you want that would be sweet.”

I couldn’t help but smile at the way he was with my sister. He was good with her, like he had known her all her life. I wanted to kiss him right then and there for being so sweet, for acting as if me raising two girls wasn’t the weirdest thing he had ever seen. Feyre was only five years younger than me and yet Cassian didn’t blink an eye at the difference. Maybe this whole bonding thing really did know what it was doing.

Because it really did feel like he was made from the other half of my soul.

"So other than breaking and entering and breakfast, what are you two doing today?" Feyre asked as she finished organizing her stuff. Her easel was already outside, Cassian had helped her carry it.

I swallowed. I knew my sister was going to make some sort of comment about what I was about to say. But it didn’t matter, "uh. I think I'm going to meet Cassian's family."

Feyre smiled, "well geez. I see fifteen years isn't even enough time to break even the best of friends."

I blushed but Cassian settled his hand on my knee, "let's just say your sister made an impression on me in the few minutes I was back."

I smiled as he squeezed my knee gently and a thrill went down my spine. Feyre shook her head, “you two were always my favorite. I liked to pretend you were playing house with us. Nesta was a mess when they wouldn’t tell her where they took you. She was broken, like she had lost her arm or something.”

Cassian looked at me with his eyebrows raised, “right well we’re going to get going, I think they’re waiting for us,” I grabbed his arm and, but before we could leave Feyre stepped in front of us.

She pulled Cassian into a tight hug, “I’m really glad you’re back,” she whispered softly, pressing a kiss to his cheek, “my sister needs someone like you.”

He smiled as he let her go, then pulled me into his side, “yeah. I think I’m in need of someone like her too.”

I couldn’t help but feel my heart pull, the smile never leaving my face. My jaw was sore from the way I looked at him, from the smile that was permeant now that he was back in my life. I wouldn’t trade a single moment it took me to get here, to find him again. Because I knew from this moment one we were in this together. He would hold my hand and I would never let go of his.

Cassian looked back at me, extending his hand, “you ready to go?”

I blew out a breath and laced his fingers through mine, “as ready as I’ll ever be.”


	4. Chapter 4

"So I haven't met everyone yet, but uncle Luc promised they wouldn't terrorize you. They just really want to know you," Cassian tried to ease my apprehension as we walked down my road, "I promise I won't let them get to be too much. I won't let them take you from my side."

I nodded, "thanks. I just don't like meeting new people. I don't think I ever met your uncle."

Cassian smiled, "I remember sweetheart. Don't worry I'll be the buffer."

I bit my lip as we turned towards the center of town. "So your dad. You're going to talk to him today?"

"I decided last night it wasn't entirely his fault that I got sent away. It was my mom's and he did try to find me. So I'll give him a chance. Especially because I need to understand whatever it is this is. I need him to uh. Guide me in learning how to take it slow with you."

I blushed, "yeah. It's like the only thing I can think about when we're together."

We were both embarrassed and yet totally at ease with how much we needed each other. I couldn't believe how much I craved Cassian even though we barely knew this version of ourselves. I mean twenty two year old Cassian was a hell of a lot different than seven year old Cassian. And yet I still felt like I knew him. Like he had been in my life for so long I didn't need to wonder if he would walk away from me.

I had never felt so safe, so cared for before.

"What's your favorite color?" He asked softly, his hand finding mine.

I laughed, wondering why he didn't just try and figure it out. I knew there was something in the bond that let him inside of my head. And whatever that was it was getting stronger. At least for him. 

"I want to hear you tell me," he answered, his smile crooked.

"Green," I whispered softly, "like the green grass in the summer. Or the leaves before they turn in the fall. What about you?"

"Blue," he smiled, "steel blue like the eyes of the girl I had to leave behind."

I blushed slightly then changed the subject. He was so different from seven year old Cassian and yet some things were exactly the same, "favorite movie?"

"I didn't watch a lot of movies growing up. I guess I'd say Jaws?"

I laughed, "we watched that when we were six and it scared me senseless. I refused to go into any body of water. And then you thought it would be funny to push me in!

Cassian laughed along with me, "I know and you were the cutest scaredy cat I ever did see. What about you?"

"I guess I'd say Sweet Home Alabama. Do you like to read?"

"I read everything. Fantasy, science fiction, medical books. I have read so many books traveling because they're easy to carry, easy to give away."

"So what's your favorite?"

"Well fiction wise, On the Road. But fantasy wise? I'd say The Hobbit. You? I remember little Nesta teaching her sisters to read. Or at least trying."

I laughed, that had been an endeavor. "I love fantasy. Anything that gets me out of this world and into another. My list of favorites is too long to share."

"Give me one."

"Rebel of the Sands. It's kinda like a play on Aladdin."

"A girl after my own heart," he pulled me closer, as if he needed to fit me into him, "I'm really glad it's you. I mean. I don't think anyone else would be so understanding. So at ease with this new life they've been handed."

I chewed the inside of my lip, "well I mean. I'm a little nervous because of my sisters. I've never had to hide anything like this from them. But I know I can't tell them and I don't like that. But I don't want to put you in danger either. It's just. Hard."

Cassian pressed his lips against my temple, "I know. But it will get easier."

I swallowed the lump on my throat, "yeah I know. Feyre is leaving for school soon and Elain has been looking for somewhere she fits. I have a feeling it isn't with me anymore. She needs to get out and see the world, we all do."

"That means you did a good job. You raised them to know they could always come home. But they're also free to spread their wings. You don't have to be responsible for them anymore Nesta."

Tears filled my eyes, "I don't remember who I was before I had to take care of them. It terrifies me Cass, to know I don't have a purpose, I don't have to keep up with my sisters now. I don't... I'm not sure what to do."

He pulled me to a stop right outside of his uncles house. He framed my face with his big hands and leaned in close. His lips were so close to mine I swore he was about to kiss me. My heart hammered inside my chest, his doing the same. But his eyes held mine and I felt his determination seep into me.

"You are strong. You are your own person. Nesta you gave up fifteen years of your life for your younger siblings. And now it's your turn to be selfish, your turn to find your way. And now you've got me again. I won't let you fall. I won't let you forget who you are. I promise."

I leaned into him, my forehead touching his, "I know. It's just a lot. My emotions are everywhere ever since this bond, imprint, since you came back. You probably think I'm a mess."

He laughed, "no sweetheart. I think you're beautiful."

He kissed my forehead as I sighed, "stop being so perfect."

I stuck my tongue out at him before he pulled away and then laced his fingers through mine. He took in a deep breath and then so did I.

"Everyone is out back. They're dying to meet you," he pulled me through the house and I stayed close to his back when I saw Tomas. He was glaring, watching us. Cassian held my hand tighter when he felt the spike in my heart.

"I will never understand why he's obsessed with me," I whispered as we got to the back door.

"Well I have a few guesses," Cassian spun around and pushed a piece of hair behind my ear, "alright pretty girl. They're going to be loud and ask you a lot of questions. Are you ready?"

"Just don't let go of my hand," I whispered softly, "please."

"I will never let go of your hand," he smiled and then leaned in, pressing a kiss to my cheek. I was startled, for a moment wishing he would just kiss me already. When he pulled back he laughed, his eyes glancing down to my lips and then back up again. The door opened and our moment was lost. 

"Cassian! Please don't hog all the time with our newest addition. Bring her out here," lucien's voice was sickly sweet and I blushed as Cassian pulled me closer, away from his uncles hands, "you two have all the time in the world to be together. Let us get to know our new girl."

"I was getting there uncle Luc."

I stayed against his side as everyone turned to look at us. I didn't even know how many pairs of eyes were suddenly staring at me, but my hands started to shake. I hated big crowds. I hate being the center of attention, especially in a room full of people I didn't know.

"Oh my gosh," a blonde girl came sauntering forward, "she's the cutest thing. I'm Morrgian. But everyone calls me Mor. I'm the long lost other cousin."

She touched my hair and I blushed. She was gorgeous. As if she had been carved by angels herself. She looked like someone worthy of Cassian, someone more beautiful than me. Cassian squeezed me tighter and shook his head, answering the thoughts I hadn't voiced.

Someone pulled Cassian’s attention away as Mor continued to stare at me. Her smile was beautiful, she was radiant really. I couldn’t believe how beautiful she was, it was almost as if she was crafted by god himself. She bit her lip, looking me up and down as if she had finally found something she had lost long ago.

Then as if she sensed by nerves she smiled, "I remember that. The newness always wanting your mate. I was even worse with Selene. It'll get easier Nesta. Don’t worry, you’ll find yourself again, eve if you always feel a pull for Cassian.”

I nodded. If I didn’t think about how much I wanted him beside me, it wasn’t as hard to stand there with her. So I took in a breath and changed the subject, remembering what Lucien had told me last night about imprinted couples, "so I um. Do you have a power?"

There was a ring on her finger which meant she had a mate. She also understood my need for Cassian, comparing it to her own. If my thoughts weren’t all over the place I would’ve realized how easy this conversation could be. But I was too busy fighting myself for being so clingy that I could barely remember this cousin’s name. Mor laughed as she pushed her hair behind her ear.

“As with all imprinted couples I do have an ability. I can blend into my surroundings. Want to see?” her eyes flashed once and then she was gone. I gasped, watching as she reappeared, her form refiguring right in front of me, "it was really fun in the beginning. I used to terrorize Selene in the mornings."

I laughed, feeling a little better knowing no one here thought they were freaks. I didn’t know how to feel about supernatural things, things that I used to read stories about. Things my sisters used to be afraid of, were suddenly real and this was their world. This was my world. It was still crazy, I could barely wrap my head around it. And yet Mor was making it a little easier. She felt like a friend, she felt like someone I could confide in.

I knew I would always have Cassian. But it was nice to feel like I had a friend who wasn’t tethered to me by an imprint too.

As Mor and I talked, time seemed to move on. My nerves started to ease and my eyes didn’t constantly search the crowd for Cassian. Then a dark haired woman came up behind her and wrapped her arms around Mor's waist. She giggled as the woman kissed her neck, "Nesta this is my mate. My wife, Selene. Selene this is Cassian’s mate, Nesta."

Selene smiled at me, "it's nice to meet you. I only met Cassian a few days ago, but he is so lucky to have found you again. He's already so taken with you."

"Wife." I whispered suddenly realizing that everyone here was either single or married. My blood rang in my ears, I barely heard the rest of her sentence. 

Mor was watching me closely. She stepped out of her wife's arms, coming closer to me. "Yes. Typically mates get married after imprinting."

I swallowed, my heart going crazy, "married," I laughed, "wow. I um. Yeah. Married."

Mor reached out and touched my arm, "hey are you okay? You look a little pale, should I get Cassian?"

"No," I tried to breathe but it was getting harder, "I just. Didn't realize that this was all so serious. I never considered getting married and now I have a mate. I'm just. Taking it all in."

Mor's hands framed my face, "breathe Nesta. You're calling Cassian to you with your panic. Just breathe. It's not like we've organized the wedding just yet. Normally we mate within the clans. It's rare that we imprint with a human. But you and Cassian have always been.... stubborn."

I nodded, my heart still beating erratically, "it's weird, that you all know I had another life before this one. And that I don't remember any of it."

Mor flashed me a brilliant smile, "you and me were always best friends in your other lives. I've missed you."

The blonde girl hugged me tightly my body still panicking. I tried to breathe through it, but it was getting harder. Just when I thought I would fall apart a pair of big hands grabbed my waist and pulled me away from her. I let out a sigh of relief, my panic subsiding as Cassian pulled me into his chest. I closed my eyes as Mor watched us together.

"What the hell Mor? I can feel her panic a mile away," he wrapped his arms around my waist and I leaned into him. 

Cassian listened to my panic and realized why Mor had scared me. He shook his head and pulled me away from his cousins, to the dark corner where none of his family was waiting to bombard us with more information.

"Nesta, sweetheart," he framed my face with his hands, his hair tickled my skin, "I am not going to force you into marriage. I will not make you do something or be someone you're not. Do I want to marry you? Hell I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to. I've wanted to marry you since we first touched. But this is new, we're new. I told you slow, which means you're in control."

His fingers ran down my cheek as I felt his calmness seep into me. I offered him a smile as I felt my heartbeat slow down, "thanks," I whispered leaning my forehead against his, "I um. Never really thought of marriage and Mor said mates marry really fast."

"Well usually try to. Lucien told me Mor and Selene didn't even wait a full day. Trust me, Nesta. I won't be that guy. I know you, I can feel your heart. I know this still scares you. And I'd never make you do something you aren't ready for."

I couldn't help but smile more as I leaned into him. I pressed my forehead against his and took in his scent. I knew now exactly why my imprint had taken with him, why we always found each other. Because he knew me inside and out. Because he was my soul, my heart made flesh. I had gotten lucky to have him as a best friend, but even luckier to have him as my mate.

"I'm okay," I opened my eyes and looked up at him, "I'm okay. Thank you. For coming when I panicked."

"Always. I will always find you."

He kissed my forehead and rubbed his hands up and down my arms. I took in a deep breath and then there were hands pulling us away from each other.

"Nesta! I want you to meet the family, not converse with Cassian all afternoon. Come come, there's more people who want to meet you."

Lucien pulled me away from my mate, his eyes following us as we were swallowed up once again by the crowd. Lucien pulled me away as fast as he could, "come, come. You and my nephew don't need to be attached at the hip. I want to introduce you to the important people here."

My eyes were wide and he drug me away from Cassian. My body protested, my heart went crazy. Cassian tried to follow, but got swallowed up by the crowd. Apparently his family was just as anxious to meet him as they were to meet me. I swallowed my panic and tried to ease my crazy heart beat. 

It pained Cassian when he couldn't get to me.

I hooked my arm through Lucien's and he tapped it gently, "Nesta this is Helion, Cassian's other uncle. He's a little, eccentric but I know he's been dying to meet you. His ability is a seer which means he's always known you would come. Well not you exactly, but he knew someone was going to imprint soon."

Helion smiled brightly and offered me his hand, "well you're just as beautiful as you were the first time we met, my love. Cassian always did choose pretty things."

"Wait. So you all know who I was in another life?"

Lucien shook his head, "we remember bits and pieces. No one truly knows who we used to be. You'll get a few memories too, when you and Cassian finally rise."

I bit my lip, this was even more than yesterday. I wasn't sure how to handle myself because Cassian wasn't here to save me. I felt like a drug addict, waiting for their next hit. I wanted his fingers to come in contact with mine, I needed his skin to press against mine.

God I was that girl. The girl I always hated. Less than twenty four hours had passed and I was borderline clingy already. 

I forced myself to stop wondering where Cassian was and to focus on the men in front of me. I looked at Lucien, "Cassian's father. He's here?"

"Of course. My brother wouldn't miss this. He's the champion, he's the leader. And he's been looking for Cassian for as long as you have I'm sure."

"No one would ever tell me where they took him," part of my heart broke remembering the little girl I had been. How much it hurt me to miss him. How much I wanted him to come home, "it took me so long to get over losing him. I feel incredibly lucky to have him back."

Helion smiled, touching my cheek, "and my nephew is so lucky to have you. I can see this isn't just the bond, he imprint speaking. You two truly fell before it all even took place. Before you were even old enough for the bond to wake. They're stronger this time, Luc. They'll survive."

Lucien narrowed his eyes, "let's not bring that up brother. I don't want to ruin our perfectly happy celebration with talk of the past."

Helion lifted his eyebrows, "so you haven't told them," he whistled, "well the plot thickens."

I was about to ask what this was all about, but I didn't get the chance to. My chest tightened, my body flooded with fear and nerves. It was ghost feelings, I realized as they spread down my spine. They felt almost like phantom pains.

It took me a moment to realize where they were coming from. Cassian's heart was going crazy. This was what he felt when Mor had scared me. It why he came running and I my eyes searched for him once again. I glanced up and saw a male looking at him, his mouth set in a straight line as he gazed back. I looked at Helion and then at Lucien and excused myself.

I walked over to him and brushed my hand along the small of his back, my fingers finding their way under his shirt. He let out a sigh of relief as he relaxed into me.

"And this beauty must be my newest daughter in law."

So this was Cassian's father. My eyes went wide and I took him in. They looked nothing alike. Except in the way they held themselves. I leaned into Cassian, hoping he would loosen up as I smiled at his father.

"I'm Nesta." He took my hand and kissed it, "it's nice to meet you."

"The pleasure," his eyes sparkled and I saw where Cassian got his charm, "is all mine. You have no idea how long I've waited for you. For both of you. Call me Beron please, none of this Mr. Vanserra stuff.”

I blushed as Cassian wrapped his arm around my waist. There were two boys off to the side, they stood watching as we stood talking to Beron. Something about the way they watched us took me off guard. I let out a slow breath as my mate’s arms wrapped around me. Cassian's fingers were tight on my waist. He was full of emotions. I tried to pull some away.

"Cassian this is Rhysand," his heart was going crazy. I stayed close as he swallowed and looked at the violet eyed boy, "and Azriel. They're your brothers."

His mouth fell open as the two, who couldn't be much older than him, smiled. They all three looked so different and yet something similar sparkled in their eyes. Cassian looked at me and I let his hand go as he stepped forward.

"I have brothers," he said softly as his dad stood watching. Rhys stepped forward first and grabbed Cassian away from me. He tousled his hair.

“Yeah I’m older than you too,” he laughed as Cassian didn’t struggle against his hold. When he let him go Az came over and lightly punched his shoulder, “you’re younger than both of us. So watch out.”

His eyes were wide as he looked at the two boys who were similar in height to him. I had to look up at all three of them, but Cassian was looking right in their eyes. I watched as he reached out and touched my mate’s shoulder and then I saw him try and control the emotions that were soaring through him. He was confused, happy and yet sad because he didn’t get to grow up with these boys. There was so much happening inside his body I took a step forward and touched his arm. The moment my skin was one his his mind stopped swirling.

Cassian looked back at his father. His voice broke on his next question, "why didn't you stop them? Why did you let them take me away?"

Beron blew out a breath, "because your mother never put me on the birth certificate. I had no way of claiming you and by the time I figured it all out they already sent you away. She never wanted you to know this family, because of the imprints. Because she was disgusted with the idea of you being supernatural. Because I never loved her," he looked at Cassian and there was sorrow in his eyes, "because I imprinted the day before she told me she was pregnant with you."

His mouth fell open and I stepped forward before his anger, his frustration, could crush him. My hand on his arm wasn’t enough, I wanted to protect him, to push him behind me and shield him from his father’s words. But I didn’t, instead I slipped my hands under his shirt and pressed my fingers against his back. He relaxed under my touch, letting me soothe him before he got too carried away.

"Thanks," he said quietly as his brothers watched. He turned his head halfway to face me, his eyes closed as he let me help him through this intense moment. I nodded, my heart letting him know I wasn’t going to let him go through this alone.

"Wow," Rhys smiled. I looked at him, his eyes wide as he watched us together, "he's so affected by Nesta. This is crazy, I’ve never seen it in person before. I’ve heard so many stories, but seeing it makes it real. This is wow. Maybe we'll imprint soon."

Cassian turned back and looked at his brothers. He was still trying to sort out what he felt. I closed my eyes and laid my head against his back, "Cass I'm here okay?”

Someone was clapping. I opened my eyes and Tomas stood there watching us. He wore the worst smile I had ever seen, "well if it isn't the cutest couple in all of Velaris. Here to show us how they have yet again found yet each."

I squeezed Cassian's hips as he spun around to stand in front of me, blocking me from Tomas’s view, "leave her alone, Tomas."

"What is he doing?" Rhys whispered into my ear. I didn’t realize he was standing so close to me until he was right there. Until I felt both him and Az get ready to protect me the way their brother already was.

I sighed, "he's obsessed with me. He has been ever since Cassian left. I've turned him down time and time again."

Azriel's hand formed a fist, "well then. Let us show him Cassian isn't a bastard anymore. And that you don't mess with our family."

They both stepped around us and went towards their cousin. Tomas stepped around them and looked at me, “why him, Nesta? I was the one who tried for years, I took you out. I thought this time you’d pick me.”

I shook my head, “I would never pick you Tomas. Just like I stopped Elain from choosing Grayson. From what I understand this isn’t something you choose anyways,” Lucien and Beron were coming over to see what the noise was as Tomas tried to get closer to me. Cassian was my shield, he growled as his cousin tried to get around him.

“It’s always this way. You choose Cassian and then he gets you killed. If you chose me, if we were together, you wouldn’t die, Nesta.”

“Stop,” Cassian shouted at his cousin as his brothers formed a circle around him. Their uncle kept watching as Cassian blocked me from view, “stop. This is between me and you Tomas. Leave Nesta out of it.”

Tomas didn’t even blink as he stepped forward and threw the first punch. I screamed as Rhys took action, Az coming to help as well. Cassian stumbled, holding his nose as they all three ganged up on Tomas. I stumbled, trying to get in between them, but someone grabbed me and pulled me out of the circle.

Mor shook her head, her grip firm on my arm, “don’t. You’ll only get hurt trying to get them off each other.”

“We can’t just let them beat each other up!” I saw Beron grab Rhys and Lucien went for Tomas. Cassian was on the ground and my heart stopped. There was blood on his fist and blood on his face. I pulled out of Mor’s hold and ran to my mate.

“That’s enough boys,” Lucien all but growled the words, “I told you to behave Tomas. This is a family affair, we are all happy to have Nesta here. Don’t start with this jealousy, don’t start with your crazy talk of choosing bonds. Imprints aren’t chosen, they’re given. They’ve been working since before you were even a thought in my head. So stop it son.”

Tomas spit blood on the ground. He ignored his father and looked at me. I knelt down on the ground beside my mate and touched his arm, “don’t worry Nes, I’ll find a way for us to be together. You belong with me.”

“No I belong with Cassian,” he started to sit up as I glared at Tomas, “I think I always have.”

“Yeah well when I break that bond, I’ll come to you. I’ll heal you and we’ll be together.”

My blood ran cold at the thought of Tomas breaking the bond I shared with Cassian. I let out a breath and suddenly Cassian’s hand was on my cheek. He soothed me, instead of me taking care of the bruises on his face. Cassian stood up and then pulled me with him.

He took me into the garage, away from the eyes of his family. I let out a slow breath and then he sat down on the counter. I shook my head, pulling myself out of my head and focusing on him. His face was bruising and there was a large cut along his cheek, right under his eye.

“I’m okay,” his deep voice was soft as I came to stand between his legs. His brown eyes were searching mine, as if I held the answer in them. As if I could tell him everything I was feeling without touching him.

"Are you sure?” I asked running my finger close to the cut from Tomas's ring.

He sighed, his fingers brushing against my bracelets as he touched my wrist, "I'm fine Nesta. I was more worried he'd go after you."

I rolled my eyes, "let me clean it at least please."

He nodded as I dabbed the wet cloth against his skin. I stood between his legs and when I was finished his brown eyes found mine. He laced our fingers together and looked down at my wrist. His thumb brushed against the leather bracelet I had gotten all those years ago with my sisters. I started to talk, trying to break the tension of whatever had just happened between us.

"My sisters and I all got together and got these for each other. We thought it was so cute to have our initials together."

He smiled, "you really care about them."

"They're my little sisters. Of course I do," I bit my lip and a feeling of wanting to give Cassian something of mine overwhelmed me. 

I pulled my hand away from him and pulled the chords that kept it together. I loosened the bracelet, the one I never ever took off, and then took his wrist in my hand. I smiled as I set the leather against his warm skin, “there. Now you have a piece of me with you always."

He blushed, "Nesta."

I put my finger over his lips, "you've always been my best friend, Cass. Even during these last fifteen years of silence. No one else ever knew me the way you did," I pressed my hand against his chest, "as you do."

He wrapped his arms around my waist and slipped his fingers into the back pockets of my jeans. He pulled me closer and my eyes went from his down to his lips and back again. There was so much static between us, so much I could feel happening between us my heart skipped a beat. It was now or never, I knew this was my move to make. Before I could over think it, before I could scare myself I leaned in and pressed my lips to his.

He tasted like home. Like the childhood I had been forced to give up. His lips were soft and warm, his fingers digging into my backside as he kissed me slowly. My arms wrapped around his neck and I couldn't move if I wanted to. Because this was my home. He was my forever home.

My fingers slipped into his hair as I opened my mouth and took him in deeper. I could feel him in every single part of my body, my heart hammering inside my chest. We weren't two different souls in that moment. His mouth moving with mine we became one. My hips moved closer to him, his hands holding me tightly against his chest.

I gasped as his heartbeat mimicked mine.

Someone cleared their throat before either of us could gain our breath. I jumped, Cassian pulling back slowly and running his thumb along my cheek. His eyes were on mine, he didn't look at whoever had interrupted our moment.

"Can I help you?" He asked, his hand warm against my cheek. His bruise looked better.

"Lucien is looking for you," Rhys's voice was filled with wonder and jealousy. If I turned around I was more than sure he was smirking, "he wants to make sure you're alright. Should I tell him Nesta took care of everything?"

Cassian broke my gaze and then glared at his brother, "tell him we'll be right there."

I laughed, leaning my head against his shoulder as Rhys walked away, "I wanted to kiss you ever since you touched me."

"I've wanted to kiss you ever since we were seven. So I think we're even."

I blushed and then pulled back, "Cass. Will you. Stay with me tonight? After what Tomas said, I just don't want to be alone with my sisters."

He smiled and it was crooked and beautiful, "of course. I'll stay. Let's go see what my uncle wants.”

Cassian and I went back to the backyard, his hand holding mine. He wasn’t letting me go this time, and I wasn’t going to let anyone take me away from him either. I took in a deep breath as we found his uncle talking with his father. Azriel and Rhys were off talking to other family members. But I noticed them watching us as we came to stand with the red haired man.

“Nesta I apologize for my son’s behavior. I never knew he was so, well I never knew he was looking at you. He talked about a girl, but he knows the rules. We don’t allow dating, not since the imprinting stopped. I am sorry.”

I nodded, “it’s fine. I was just upset he hit Cassian,” I leaned into my mate and let out a slow breath.

“Are you hogging our beautiful new girl?” A woman came over and tapped Lucien’s arm. She was beautiful, her hair so blonde it was almost white. She grabbed my chin, forcing my eyes to find hers. She looked me over, seemingly pleased with what she found as she smiled brightly at me, “well I’ll be damned. You look exactly the same as you did all those years ago.”

I swallowed, glancing at Cassian before looking back at her. She let me go and I let out a breath of relief, “um. Thanks I think?”

She laughed and it sounded like tiny bells ringing, “I’m sorry. I am Olivia. Beron’s mate,” she looked at Cassian’s father and smiled. The way she looked at him made me wonder how foolish I looked whenever I glanced at Cassian. It was full of love and so much more, “I am so happy his son found you again, Nesta. I’m so glad we found you both again. It seems like this world wants to keep you two apart and to keep you two from us.”

I bit my bottom lip as Cassian found his way back to me. He was right at my back, his hands grabbing my waist and holding me against him, “forgive me if we aren’t as excited as you are to meet us. We’re just taking it all in. Why do you remember more than we do?”

Olivia sighed as Beron pulled her closer to him, “because you two are the ones who are meant to free us from the shadow’s spell. You’re to bring back the imprints, to stop the darkness that is coming. The darkness that threatens to take us all away from each other.”

“Well. That’s a lot of pressure,” Cassian muttered as his father laughed.

“What your step mother meant is that you two are the key to stopping the curse that has fallen on us. The one that took away our imprints, the one that will bring the darkness from their world into ours.”

“Why us?” I asked slightly breathless. This was a tall order.

Beron shrugged, “it’s always been you two. You and Cassian love deeper, harder, than the rest of us. Maybe it’s because it takes you the longest to find each other. Or because your soul was specifically crafted for him. I’m not sure. But whatever the reason, you two are the key to finally stopping the cycle that the shadows have been pushing you through for the last hundred years.”

“What cycle?” Cassian’s chest tightened and so did mine. We knew this had to do with whatever his other uncle had mentioned earlier.

“That’s a conversation for another day,” Lucien stepped up, “I will tell you everything, when you’re ready. Right now you and Nesta need to get to know each other again. You need to be kids and find each other. I don’t want to scare you, to put even more pressure on you.”

I wanted to know what he was talking about, but something told me I wasn’t ready. I leaned into Cassian and I accepted his uncle’s answer. And because I did, Cassian did too.

“Okay,” I turned and looked at my mate, “I want to know too, but right now I want to pretend like this is all a dream. I don’t want to talk about supernaturals and shadow worlds. I want to get to know your family, to get to know you again. We can force him to tell us later.”

He nodded, leaning his forehead against mine, “have I mentioned how amazing you are? Because you really are.”

I laughed as he kissed my cheek, “I like hearing you tell me that I’m amazing,” I answered. 

"May I have this dance?" Cassian pulled me away from his family, his hand touching my waist as the music started. I smiled at him as his fingers found mine and he spun me around before I had a chance to answer. The song was slow and it was one I had always loved. 

“ _People fall in love in mysterious ways…_ ” I sang along as we danced together, I had no idea what I was doing, but I moved with him. Cassian couldn’t stop smiling as I sang the words to him, and I felt them deep inside my soul. This moment, it was real. And it was perfect.

“ _Maybe just the touch of a hand… with me, I fall in love with you every single day…_ ” Cassian’s deep voice sang the words to me as he smiled. I shook my head, thinking about that moment almost twenty four hours ago when he brushed his hand against mine.

Even with all the crazy things that are happening I wouldn’t change that moment for anything in the world.

It suddenly didn’t matter to me that everyone was watching us. My heart thrummed loudly in time with the song that played. The song changed then and a new one came on. It was still slow, I still held onto his arms. It was an old country song, one about first love, new love. I blushed as he danced as if he had been trained to push a girl around the dance floor.

"You're the only girl I ever wanted to push around a dance floor," he whispered softly as his family watched us. No one else was dancing, "they like you. They really like us."

I smiled, leaning in and kissing his lips softly, "good. Because I really like you too."

He held me closer as a few others decided to join us, "Nesta. I know you were forced into whatever the hell this is, but did I mention that I'm so glad it was you?"

I smiled as I brushed my nose with his, "no. But I'm glad it was me too. I can't even imagine being fake happy for you if you ended up with someone else. It's like I've known you my whole life. As if this moment is the one I've been waiting for."

His hands slipped to my waist, "I've been waiting forever for you, pretty girl. And I don't plan on ever letting you go again."

He kissed me, the same way he had kissed me in the garage, in front of his entire family. We stopped dancing, the music faded into background noise as his lips moved with mine. I smiled in the middle of the kiss as I heard his family sigh with happiness.

If every moment in this new life was spent this way, I was pretty sure I would die happy. If I got to kiss him whenever I wanted, for as long as I lived, I would be forever grateful to whatever god had given me half his soul to keep.

"You're mine," he whispered softly, "and I'll forever be yours."

He pressed his hand over my heart and I knew no matter what evil was waiting for us we would find our way to the other side together.


	5. Chapter 5

We spent the entire afternoon and well into the evening with Cassian’s family. His father showed me his power, he could control nature. He had a vine chase Rhys, who didn’t find it funny. And his step mom she could control the weather. She made it rain over Rhys, who again didn’t find it funny. It was entertaining, watching them use their abilities without a care in the world. It was crazy to think I would be one of them one day.

Cassian took it all in like a sponge. He looked at his step mom like she was someone he had met before. The entire time they talked about who they were and what this life was, he had his hand tucked between my thighs. As long as he was touching me he didn’t freak out about any of this. Which was good because I needed his reassurance too.

After we left his family, hugging everyone and promising to come back, Cassian took me home. True to his word he cooked the three of us one of the best meals we had ever had. Fresh fish and vegetables, he made everything by hand. The vegetables were from Elain’s garden, who had come back from the store and was there to greet us.

She remembered Cassian and gave him a big hug when he came walking in holding my hand. Her cheeks were sunburnt, but she was happy to be out in her garden again. Feyre’s painting was drying out in the sun and I knew this was the one we would hang up when she was gone. It was Elain in the garden, her hat covering her red hair as it flew behind her in the wind.

As Cassian cooked I watched my sisters interact with him. They didn’t think this was weird, they clearly didn’t think we were moving too fast. They laughed at his stupid jokes and I couldn’t help but watch as his shirt moved with his body whenever he reached for something. I couldn’t believe that he was mine and yet I barely knew him. It was strange and thrilling all at once.

Elain suggested a movie after dinner. I jumped at any excuse to keep Cassian with me and he didn’t try to leave. We curled up on the long couch together, with Elain and Feyre settled in on the love seat. Cassian put a blanket over me, my head on his chest. I fell asleep within the first half hour.

I woke up in my bed, feeling better than I had ever felt before. When I turned, I found Cassian beside me, his arms wrapped around me. No aches, no pain, no fears flooded my body. I understood then what his uncle meant by having the best sleep of my life with my mate by my side. I never wanted to sleep without him again.

He was still asleep, his face soft and almost looked like the little boy I remembered. The life he had lived, the people who had hurt him and hardened him weren’t there in his features as his eyes moved under the lids. I wanted to reach out and touch his cheek, I wanted this moment to last for longer than five seconds.

Because in this moment I knew I was falling in love with  my best friend.

His eyes opened slowly. He smiled when he saw me. “Good morning,” he whispered softly as he caught me watching him sleep.

“I feel amazing,” I said softly, drawing a line across his cheek, “I’m never sleeping without you again.”

He laughed and pulled me closer, “well I don’t have any objections to that.”

I kissed him softly, flashes of our moment in the garage coming back to me. I could kiss him now whenever I wanted because I had finally given into that feeling. Cassian brushed his lips against mine, his hands tightening on my waist. I pulled away before my body begged for more.  
“Do my sisters know you spent the night?” I asked quietly, forgetting everything that had happened after the movie started.

Cassian’s laugh vibrated through his shirt, “who do you think carried you to bed? I also had to wake those two up and put them to bed. You all passed out within the second act of the movie. So I laid down with you and they didn’t know.”

I pushed myself up on my elbows, “my hero. Taking care of all three of his girls.”

He leaned up and kissed me, “someone has to.”

I sat up and stretched my arms high above my head, my shirt pulling slightly. Cassian’s eyes caught on the sliver of my stomach that showed and I smiled at his pink cheeks. I bit my lip, pulling my shirt back down.

“So I hear we have a date today,” I whispered softly, forcing his eyes back up to mine. 

“Um yeah. Get dressed,” he pressed another kiss to my lips before standing up, “do you mind if I take a shower?”

I got up on my knees on my bed in front of him. I was practically the same height as him in that moment and I put my hands on his shoulders, “my house is your house too. You’re my mate, my Cassian. You can use the shower, you can walk through that front door without knocking.”

He smiled, brushing his thumb over my bottom lip before leaning in and kissing me sweetly, “thanks sweetheart. I’ll be right out. Wear something comfortable.”

He went to the bathroom as I walked to my closet and looked at my clothes. I settled on a light dress that I hadn’t worn in a while. I didn’t have to work today, I wanted to look sort of cute at least. So I pulled the dress on and then pulled my hair up into a messy bun. I pulled a few strands out and lets the curls flutter around my face. Then I put a little mascara on. Sure I was trying, but I was only trying because this was Cassian.

I knew he liked me even if I didn’t try.

My face still looked flushed without blush. I looked like a stranger, like a better version of myself. I smiled at my reflection and then the door opened and Cassian came back in. He was wearing the same pants, his shirt was in his hands. My eyes were wide, I had seen him shirtless before, but not at this age. My mouth watered. He looked even better than before his shower. His long hair was wet and it hung loose around his face. A few drops of water ran down his chest.

My eyes followed it, swirling around his tattoo. His chest moved with each breath he took and I couldn't help but notice him watching me check him out. I blushed, breaking my gaze as he pulled the black shirt back over his head.

He took a step forward, “don’t worry sweetheart,” he whispered softly, his fingers hooking under my chin, forcing me to look at him, “I check you out all the time too.”

I laughed, shaking my head, “so what do you have planned for us?”

“Well first, a picnic in one of our old favorite places.”

I clapped my hands together, “perfect because I’m starving. Lead the way boyfriend.”

He stopped, his eyes wide, “wait. Is this official then? I’m your boyfriend?”

“Well I mean. Everyone would puke if we called each other soul mates, or mates. So I’ll settle for boyfriend for the public, but behind closed doors. You’re just mine,” I grabbed his hand as he laughed, his lips brushing against the top of my head.  
“I’ll take it,” he answered sighing happily as he grabbed the basket sitting on the counter and then we made our way out towards his car. I took in a deep breath and I refused to let him go as he drove with his hand on my knee. I had my arm wrapped around his, just feeling our hearts beating together. It was perfect, me and him and nothing else. No supernaturals, no shadows, no curses. Just Nesta and Cassian together again.

I gasped as the field came into view, “oh my gosh Cassian,” the lake was right there, I hadn’t come here in so long. I shook my head feeling like a little girl again, “I haven’t been here since you left.”

He parked near the edge of the grass and looked at me, “good. It’s still our spot then. I thought you’d like this. You always loved coming here when we were younger.”

We both got out of the car at the same time and I took off running. He set the basket down and chased me towards the sand. I realized in that moment, as he ran after me, laughing loudly, before his arms wrapped around me, the lake water hitting my toes, that this was exactly like the vision that had crossed my mind when we touched. My first vision that came true.

Which mean one day I’d be wearing red and waiting for him at the end of an aisle.

“Yes,” he whispered, pressing a kiss to my neck, “your visions will come true before mine. Because you saw things that will be happening earlier than mine. Because your body knew what your mind could handle.”

I spun around in his arms, “I like this vision,” I whispered softly as my feet got covered in sand. He smiled brightly as he kept staring down at me, “I like you, Cassian. A lot.”

“I like you too,” he whispered softly. Then my stomach growled, ruining our cute moment. I laughed, Cassian grabbing my waist, “you can just tell me you’re hungry, sweetheart. No need to growl.”

I giggled, but stopped him before he could pull us away from the water. I pulled my phone out of the pocket in my dress and held it up, “I want a picture,” I said softly as I held it out and snapped us in front of the water. When I flipped the phone around, Cassian was staring at me, not the phone. I smiled, automatically saving it.

He kissed my cheek, “let’s go get, pretty girl.”

Cassian ran back and grabbed the basket, setting up the blanket and then we settled in. He had an array of food and it took me less than five minutes to finish the first plate he had put together for me. As we ate we talked. I told him about Feyre and Tamlin in more detail than the other night. I told him about working at Rita’s and I told him about the failed date I went on with Tomas.

I told him how everyone thought Lucien abused Tomas’s mother, but clearly that wasn’t true. Since Lucien was never anything but nice to me. Cassian shrugged, sticking a grape in his mouth.

“My mom said Lucien had anger problems when they were younger. So those rumors are most likely true. He did get help though, so he’s a lot better now. Which I’m glad because if he even yelled at you I wouldn’t be able to handle it.”

I smiled slightly, taking another bite of my sandwich, “I wouldn’t let Elain date Grayson either. He was heartbroken, but I think she was happy I stopped that. She never seemed to like him anyways, but he was a lot like Tomas. He liked to try and demand her attention.”

Cassian nodded, “Grayson is Tomas’s half brother, so I’m sure they’re a lot alike. I’m sorry he’s making this hard on us, we’re supposed to be having fun at this stage, at least that’s what my dad and Olivia told me yesterday at the gathering. We’re supposed to be having the time of our lives getting to know each other and falling for our mate. But Tomas is making that hard.”

“So is whatever this curse is,” I muttered as I finished my sandwich and then Cassian gave me some of the macaroni salad he brought. It was homemade, of course, because Cassian didn’t know how to buy anything from the store except for ingredients. 

“Yeah well, we’ll figure that out. But today is about you and me.”

I smiled around my food as he started to tell me about his first set of foster brothers. They were rowdy and sounded terrible. They shoved his head into a toilet the first day he was there. He told me how the second house he had a foster sister and she reminded him of me and it was easier. But then the little brother starting terrorizing him and he moved on from that one within a month.

He moved so much I couldn’t believe he finished school. I couldn’t believe he learned to cook and to be this man who sat in front of me. He never had parents, he had taken care of himself. We were more alike than I realized as he spoke. I finished my third plate of food and refused more when he offered it after finishing his story.

"Can you be our only cook from now on?" I asked as I leaned against him, full and satisfied from the lunch he had packed up. He had made an amazing dinner last night and now our lunch had been a feast. I felt inadequate, I had never made a dinner for my sisters as nice as this lunch.

Cassian laughed, his fingers running through my hair, "I will make you dinner for the rest of our lives if you want."

I played with his hand, "I'm a terrible cook. Maybe you can teach me."

He leaned down and kissed me, "but if I teach you then what do I have to hold over you?"

I giggled, "I have a few things I can hold over you," I raised an eyebrow, his fingers running lightly up and down my thigh.

"Point taken."

He pressed his lips to mine. I couldn't get enough of him. Kissing him was like breathing in the purest air. Like finding myself after the longest night. My body was flying, my heart beat didn't stutter. I leaned up to take more of him in. I was drowning and he was the air I needed to breathe. The lifeboat that would finally save me.

But Cassian pulled away before I could wrap myself around him, "slow Nesta," he was out of breath, "if you keep doing that I'll break right here and take advantage of you in the middle of our field."

"And that would be a bad thing?"

Cassian blushed, his crooked smile was beautiful. I sighed, knowing he was right. I sat up as he turned towards the picnic basket and starting looking through it. My eyes went to the bracelet in his wrist and I couldn't help but smile. He was still wearing it. He still wanted a piece of me with him.

"Of course I do," he looked up at me stopping his movements.

"Sometimes I think whatever this is is going to break, or fade. Or one day you'll wake up and stop caring about me. Or you'll imprint with someone else, someone better than me. It scares me."

Cassian leaned in and kissed my nose, "it will never break. But if it did, if the bond was gone tomorrow, I would still feel this way for you. It only intensified my feelings, it didn't make them come to be. I promise you Nesta, you're it for me."

I touched his cheek, pressing my fingers against his warm skin, "you always know the perfect thing to say."

His eyes sparkled as he looked down at the basket and then back up at me.

"I like this. You and me. Nothing supernatural," I said happily against him, "tell me about your travels. Where have you been? What have you seen?”

He sighed. "I um. I went to Texas and California first. Made my way through Memphis and a few states that were flat and not worth seeing. I've been through a lot of places, just sort of looking for something. Something that's been here all along," he smiled down at me, his fingers brushing my neck.

"Did you miss me?"

"Every single day," he whispered softly, "you were the only friend I wanted. The only friend I needed. I cried when they wouldn't let me call you the first night I was there. They told me a clean break was what we both needed."

Tears filled my eyes, "I always had this dream that you'd come back to me. And here we are," I laughed slightly, "its crazy. To realize I've been waiting for you.”

“One day I’ll take you to all the places I’ve seen,” he whispered softly, kissing my temple.

Cassian got quiet then, my fingers running over the bracelet of mine he wore. He looked like he was working something out. What I wouldn't give to be able to read him the way he read me. I sighed as he offered me a small smile at that thought.

"Hey I left something in the car I'll be right back," he kissed my cheek and I watched him walk back the way we came. The field was exactly how I remembered it. But it was even better because Cassian was back here with me. 

I hadn't come back here after he left. It was our field not mine and it felt wrong to come here when he had been taken away. Fifteen years in this small town and I avoided this field. I never walked too close, I never lingered for more than a minute. Because the memories of little Nesta and Cassian laughing their days away always hurt me the most.

It felt nice to be back. To be here and feel free.

I sat down, laying back on the blanket and soaking up the sun. I couldn't believe that Cassian was here, that this was finally our time to find each other. I never knew this was what I wanted, what I had been waiting for. It didn't matter that I had taken care of my sisters and never had a real boyfriend. Because I didn't want anyone but him. I had been waiting for my best friend.

A shadow crossed my vision. I opened my eyes, wincing at the sun that hit me when the shadow moved.

"Cass? You're back already?" I asked sitting up on the blanket. Something seemed off but I wasn't sure what.

He reached out and touched me, "I told you I'd be fast."

Before I could even look into his eyes his mouth covered mine. I gasped as he pushed me back, his hands going towards my dress. These weren't the kisses we had shared ever since yesterday. This wasn't the kiss we had just shared, hot and heavy. This was different. It wasn't soothing and full of the feelings it had been. It was cold and he scared me as he hovered over me.

"Cass," I tried to push on his chest but he wouldn't move. He was rock solid and I couldn't feel his intention. Something was off, maybe the imprint had faded. My heart was going crazy and he didn't seem to care.

His mouth moved to my neck, "mhmm Nesta."

"Cassian stop. Please just," I couldn't get air in. His hand pinched my thigh and I clenched them together. Tears were in my eyes and the world started to lost focus. Something was really wrong. My lungs burned.

"Nesta?" I heard his voice from far away. I opened my eyes and it wasn't Cassian kissing me. He was black as night, his skin was charred. His mouth was filled with teeth sharper than mine. I gasped as he touched me again. My skin burned even more as whatever this thing was smiled as me, his lips dripping with saliva.

I screamed. I pushed him away, a few scratches marked my skin. I jumped to my feet, my legs barely supporting me. My head was spinning as the thing laughed, Cassian caught me before I fell.

"What.. what is that?" I asked as he held me tightly against him. I felt myself relax slightly against him. But it wasn't the way it had felt lately, he wasn't calming me entirely.

"A shadow," he put me behind him as the disgusting black creature stood there watching us, "I should kill you for touching her."

"You wouldn't even know how little boy," his deep voice went right through me. My body felt cold, my stomach rolled as it looked at me. I started shaking.

"Cassian," I put my hand on his forearm and felt my stomach roll again, "something is wrong."

He felt it to. His body didn't heal me, I was hit all over and my hands shook. I felt like I was in withdrawal again, except he couldn't help me. I closed my eyes and the lunch we just had came back up. I turned away from him and got sick in the bushes.

"What did you do to her?" He growled the question as I fell to my knees. My hair stuck to my neck before Cassian pulled it back.

"Don't worry she'll survive," he shrugged and then started to fade, "this isn't the last you've seen of me. Oh precious ones."

The creature was gone and I couldn't find the strength to care. I closed my eyes, my body was shutting down. It's like I had been drinking for the last eight hours. The world was spinning, my body went from cold to hot and flushed within seconds. I thought I was going to be sick again. 

"Nesta? Sweetheart can you hear me?" Cassian touched my shoulder and winced. I was burning a fever even I could feel it, "Nesta. Shit I have to get you home."

I opened my eyes and looked at him, "Cass. I have no home," I leaned against him, "you're my home."

He smiled before I stumbled into his arms, "I don't know what's wrong. I'm not healing you. I have to take you to uncle Luc's. Can you walk?"

I nodded. But I took one step and the world tilted and turned black. I shook my head, leaning on my mate, "just want to lay down."

"No sweetheart. Stay with me," he grabbed my legs and lifted me into his arms. He carried me against his chest towards the car. He didn't even come back for the stuff. He drove us right to his uncle's house, his hand touching me the entire time.

"Mmhm Cass." I leaned into him, feeling my body shutting down, "he tricked me. Thought he was you."

"I know, love. I know."

I giggled, "I like when you call me give me nicknames. Like sweetheart."

He laughed again, "I know sweetheart," the car stopped moving, "I'm going to carry you in now okay?"

"Don't leave," I whispered, my heart going crazy. I couldn't feel the imprint. I couldn't be sure how he actually felt for me. Did he really care as much without this supernatural pull holding us together?

"Nes. I will always care about you," he pushed my hair out of my face. He pressed his palm against my forehead and winced, "shit you're burning up.”

I shivered, “I’m cold, Cass.”

He ran around the car and unbuckled me. He lifted me out easily, God he was so good looking with those muscles. He laughed slightly and I didn't realize I might have said the words out loud. I laid my head on his chest and I felt him wince again. I was hot, I was sweating. I wasn't easy to carry I'm sure.

"Uncle Lucien!" Cassian yelled out for him once we got in the door. 

"Cassian. Oh son," his voice sounded even further away as I felt the soft couch come in contact with my back. I moaned as he moved me, my body felt so fragile. I reached for Cassian before he could pull away, "what happened?"

"A shadow pretended to be me and kissed her. She threw up and she's burning. I don't know what's wrong but I can't heal her."

Cassian sounded distraught. If I were fully aware of myself I would've pulled him into me and kissed him. But I couldn't. I could only shake, I could only hope the feeling of wanting to puke again would pass. Still I found his hand and I laced my fingers through his.

"He poisoned her. How long were they touching?"

"She thought he was me. Maybe five minutes? I went to the car to get something and I came back and there was this black creature with her and I freaked."

Lucien sighed, "his skin is poison. If he touched her that long I'm not sure what will happen. She's strong but his poison is stronger. Stay with her, do not stop touching her. I'll get your father."

I wiggled slightly, my head searching for Cassian's lap. Once I was settled I winced, "Cass," I whispered his name, “I’m still cold. What’s happening to me?”

“I don’t know, sweetheart. But I’m here. I'm not going anywhere." He ran his fingers through my hair and hissed at the heat of my fever.

My body was shutting down. I felt like I wasn’t going to make it through the pain, my body was on fire. I couldn’t stop the words before they fell out of my mouth, "I love you."

I heard his intake of breath, a small gasp that escaped his throat. I couldn’t feel his heart, but I had a feeling it jumped inside his chest. My eyes were closed, I couldn’t see his face either. It didn’t matter though, the moment had come and gone. Because I didn’t get to hear his response, I couldn't hold on. I slipped into the darkness where the pain and poison couldn't follow.


	6. Chapter 6

It was cold and dark wherever I was. I couldn't feel Cassian at all. My chest felt hollow, like he had been ripped away. Like our bond had been broken. I would've panicked, if I could. But the shadows swirled and the cold deeper into my bones. My body wasn’t responding the way it normally would. My heart didn’t pound, my hands weren’t shaking. I swallowed the lump in my throat and tried to see through the haze.

This wasn't real and yet it was. Because I heard that sickening laughter again.

"Well it took you long enough," Tomas stood beside the shadow that had touched me. How I knew it was the same one I wasn't sure.

If it could have done so, my heart would have sped up in that moment. But I knew it’s didn’t matter, Cassian couldn't feel it. I couldn’t feel him so he more than likely couldn’t feel me. We had been connected for a few days and it felt so unreal to be a single person again. To not have that second heart beat beside mine. I looked at Tomas and I realized that this was his doing.

Whatever that thing was, it had poisoned me. It had interfered with our bond.

I glared, trying to stay strong. To make them believe I wasn’t afraid. But I was, I had no idea how to get out of whatever this was. Was this a dream? Did I have the ability to wake myself up? Would he be able to hurt me in this cold white room?

I always thought in a moment of stress, a moment where nothing made sense, the first question should never be where am I? But suddenly I understood every book character who had ever been kidnapped. Because in this moment, with the cold and the shadows surrounding me, all I cared about was finding out where I was.

I stood up straighter and crossed my arms over my chest, “what is this place? Where are we? What are you doing?"

Tomas laughed only answering one of my many questions, "I'm warning you. We can do this the easy way, Nes. Or the hard way."

"Do what? Where are we?” I strained the question once more.

His eyes sparkled, "the shadow world. It belongs to us. Nes. You and me. But you have to break the bond with Cassian. You have to choose me."

"No." I pulled away when he reached for me. My entire body rebelled at the idea of Tomas putting his hands on me. "No. I belong to Cassian. Tomas just stop please. This is tiring."

He sighed, "you chose me once. A long time ago. But then somehow Cassian was crafted and you two grew together. I thought this time would be different. I guess it's the hard way then."

I closed my eyes wishing for Cassian. I wanted his warmth, his steady heart beat mirroring mine, "Tomas. I'll do whatever you want please just stop. Don’t hurt him, he means the world to me. You have to understand. Whatever this imprint is, it cannot be broken."

He laughed. It was evil, "oh it can. I will find a way. But just remember when you can't find your sisters. When your entire world is stripped away. Remember that you chose the hard way."

"I choose no way! Tomas just let us be happy," my voice broke as the shadow laughed. There was a tear in my voice, tears in my eyes, “if you care about me at all, just let me be happy. Cassian. He makes me happy.”

Tomas didn’t even flinch as he watched me try to pull myself back together. The shadow was watching, it looked amused if that was possible. It’s face was dark and hollow, expressions seemed lost on it. That made me angry. I glared at the thing the best I could. It took a step closer, shadows swirling around it. The temperature dropped as I tried and failed to stand up to it.

The thing reached out, black tendrils that were supposed to be like fingers touched my cheek. I could feel it’s emptiness, it’s cold straight down to my core as it sighed, "you have no idea what you're doing little girl. We've waited a long time for this version of you."

"Tell me about my past life. Why are Cassian and I different this time? What's going to happen?"

The shadow laughed and again I felt it in my bones. It was cold and disgusting. His shadow fingers still icicles against my skin, "oh no little girl. I won't give away our secrets. But just know that this time you're less... durable than before. More human, less them."

"Cassian is going to be okay right?"

"He usually is. He lets you take the fall."

Tomas sighed, "which is why I'm going to stop it this time. You and me Nesta. We're meant to be the precious ones. We're meant to rule this land, instead of ours."

He held his arms up and the darkness filled with light. Wherever this world was it was dying. There was no color, the warmth all gone. Shadows flew around, watching us. Their faces were a mix between pain and amusement. They looked trapped in this world, longing to find peace or to go back to wherever they had come from. Goose bumps raised on my arms, I felt the prickle of them on the back of my next. I didn't want to be here, this wasn't where I belonged. And even though he was horrible it wasn't where Tomas belonged either.

"This isn't where we're supposed to be, Tomas. We're people, human. We're meant to be where the sun shines."

"I'll gladly trade the human world if it means I get to spend eternity with you."

He reached for me, but I took a step back. I didn't get very far, my foot slipped on bones. I swallowed a scream as Tomas grabbed me, his hand burning where he touched my wrist. His fingers wrapped around my small wrist tightly, claiming me as well as helping me. I winced, the burn getting worse as he steadied me. Then he pulled me into his chest.

I didn’t miss the hiss of pain he let out from touching me. He winced as he fingers moved onto my clothing, off of my skin. It hurt him as much as that black mark had hurt me.

"I'll change your mind," he whispered, his fingers brushing my cheek. 

I pushed him away, a black mark circled my wrist, "go to hell."

He laughed again, "oh my sweet Nesta. Don't you see? We're already there."

I shook my head, suddenly realizing this was a dream. It had to be, this place couldn’t be real. I needed to wake up, I wanted to scream. My wrist burned from whatever he had done when he touched me. I closed my eyes and tried to wake up, but I felt heavy. I felt dragged down by this world.

"Let me out of here. Wherever I am."

My voice was weak and I was defeated. I winced as I struggled to stay standing up on my wobbly legs. I took in a deep breath and once again wished for Cassian. But I couldn't pull him, I couldn't find him. I rubbed at my wrist, trying to erase the mark Tomas had put there.

I swallowed more tears trying to be strong.

I felt something flutter then, as the shadow next Tomas let out a loud booming laugh and then shot into the sky. Tomas took a step closer to me and I shook my head.

"Don't you dare come near me."

He sighed, "I thought this would be easier Nesta. Can't you see? Cassian is our curse. He's killing you."

"I love him," I said the words without thinking, "I have always loved him. Why can't you just be happy for us?"

"Because I love you."

"You don't even know me," I countered, watching his face fall. Then slowly he smiled.

"I know you better than that brute. I watched you, for the last fifteen years I've gotten to know you. You built a wall around your heart to take care of your sisters. You work day and night at that terrible bar to keep your house, to put Feyre through school. You wouldn't date because your sisters needed you more than you needed someone else. You're kind and loyal. You're beautiful."

I shuttered, the idea of Tomas in the shadows watching me live my life was repulsive. He had literally been in the shadows waiting, watching. It made my skin crawl, "you know Nesta, but you don't know me. Cassian knows my heart, even before this supernatural thing brought us together. He's my best friend, Tomas. Please just let me go."

He was standing so close I gasped when I looked into his eyes. His nose was almost touching mine. I winced as his breath hit me, "I'll let you go this time. Soon my dear, you and me will be together. And I'll have you begging me to free you from Cassian."

My eyes were hard, "I hardly doubt that. You're a little boy. Cassian is a man."

Tomas laughed again, "keep telling yourself that. Oh and give Feyre my best. Tamlin can't wait to see her again."

My breath released in a whoosh. My blood turned as cold as the room. Tamlin had been out of our lives for almost two years now. I couldn't handle him hurting my sister again.

"I see the wheels turning. Yes Nes," his lips almost touched my cheek, "I have a plan. No one is safe. Especially the people you love the most.”

The shadow moved swift and fast, I didn’t hear him as he touched me once more. His shadow fingers curled around my hair and then slowly ran across my scalp. I shivered, feeling empty inside. The cold was filling the space where Cassian had once been. I tried to hold onto the memory of my mate’s warmth. Of his laughter, of the love we felt for each other even before this imprint had happened. 

The shadow hissed, as if the imprint, what I felt for Cassian, pained him. He pinched my skin hard and then he pressed his hand against my chest as my eyes found Tomas. 

His laugh was the last thing I heard before my legs gave out and the darkness swallowed me once again.

——

Cassian's voice woke me. It was soft and he was trying to whisper, but I felt it vibrate through me. He had never been good at keeping quiet. His deep voice boomed even when we were little. His fingers were in my hair, my body wasn't burning anymore. I could feel him again, inside my chest. His heart was trying to steady mine as I came back into my body, as I found him again. I pulled on the bond, it was there, bright and burning. Relief flooded through me; I could feel him again, he was my anchor in this world. I let out a soft sigh, his warmth and comfort seeping into me.

I curled my fingers around his shirt and he stopped talking. "Nesta."

My eyes fluttered open and he let out a sigh of relief as our bodies finally opened back up to each other. He pulled me into a hug, whatever he had been talking about with his father and uncle didn't matter. I buried my face in his shoulder and breathed him in.

"I thought I was dying," I whispered as he crushed me against him, "I thought he was you. How could I be so stupid?"

He laughed, "because he had a pretty good face on," he whispered pushing my hair out of my face. I leaned back and put my hand against his cheek.

Something nudged at my mind. Something I was supposed to remember, to tell him. But it was caught on the tip of my tongue. I couldn't remember what had happened after the shadow pulled me under. I remembered pain and poison. I remembered a fever and Cassian's touch not helping. I remembered being so cold it hurt to breath. But I couldn't remember anything else.

And whatever it was nagging at me, I knew it was important. I sighed giving up for the moment and focusing on Cassian, who looked as drained as I felt.

"How long did I sleep?" 

"All night," I ran my finger over the bags under his eyes, "Lucien and I took turns watching you. But I had to keep touching you. He said it was the only way to ensure the poison didn't take over. Are you okay? Do you remember anything? You kept crying out in your sleep, reaching for me.”

I shook my head, “I can’t remember,” I whispered softly before I curled into him and he wrapped his arms around me. He kissed my cheek and I realized his uncle and father were still watching. I blushed as Cassian laughed slightly, his thumb brushing against my back.

"Nesta. I'm so glad you're okay," Lucien spoke first. He cleared his throat, "can you. Tell us about the shadow? Do you know why he hurt you?"

I shook my head, "he said it wasn't the last we've seen of him.”

Lucien looked at Beron, who pursed his lips. Clearly they had been talking about what had happened before I woke up. I was pulling at my brain, trying and failing to remember whatever had happened while I was out. I sighed as Cassian nudged me, telling me to stop trying and to rest. I felt drained, more tired than I had been when the poison had gotten into my system.

Cassian kissed my cheek, “I won’t let that happen again Nesta. We’ll think of a code or something, but I will not let something take you away from me. Not something as disgusting as that shadow, or Tomas.”

I nodded, tears filling my eyes as I remembered it holding me down, not stopping when I pushed it away. Cassian squeezed my thigh. He would never push me to something I wasn’t ready to do. It’s one of the reasons I was falling in love with him. I shouldn’t known from that moment it wasn’t my mate touching me. My body should’ve screamed and alerted me to whatever that thing was.

I blamed myself. I felt guilty for getting sucked under it’s spell.

"Cassian! Nesta!" Mor ran into the room and broke the tension, "oh thank god. Az told me what happened and I was worried. You're all right?"

"Yeah I'm okay," I leaned further into Cassian, still tired from my restless sleep, "thanks to Cassian."

“Mor was with your sisters. We sent her to stay at your house in case that shadow had other plans," Beron explained as I realized I hadn't thought of them until this moment.

"They're okay?"

Cassian squeezed my knee, "they're fine. They know you're with me and that we fell asleep. We didn't tell them about you getting sick or anything."

I laughed, "and they were just okay with Mor staying there with them? What did you tell them?”

Mor smiled, "they thought I was entertaining. I told them I was looking for you, that we had plans and asked if I could just wait with them. Elain is so sweet she showed me her garden. Don’t worry they know you’re fine.”

I groaned. This was all so crazy, I wondered what my sisters thought had happened to me. They knew I wouldn’t just fall asleep with Cassian without letting them know, "I can't believe I thought that thing was you. He was hurting me and you would never hurt me. You would've known if it wasn't me."

"Shh," Cassian kissed my temple, "it happened and it's over. You're okay, and my dad and uncle are going to figure this out. They told me to focus on you, to keep protecting you. So that's what I'm going to do."

I nodded, "okay."

Cassian was quiet, his mind was a mess of emotions. His worry and need to protect me was the biggest one. But as he looked at me I felt him wonder about the moment before I passed out on him. I could barely read whatever it was he was thinking, but it was there.

"Nesta," he blew out a breath. I realized everyone had left us alone. I was grateful our audience had left, "before you passed out, you uh. You told me something."

I blushed, I barely remembered anything after that creature attacked me. But I heard his memory, I knew what he was talking about. I blushed, unsure of what to tell him.

"Cass. I um. I wasn't in control with the poison."

He nodded, his hair falling around his face, "I know. And I know I promised we would go slow. But right now, after what happened, I need to tell you. I love you Nesta Acheron. I always have, even when I was seven years old and I thought you had cooties. I loved you then and I love you now. I never told you before they took me away. And then last night when you were burning up and sick I was scared I'd lose you again, before I had a chance to tell you."

He paused, his chest rising quickly, "and I know you. I know you're afraid of love, you're afraid of needing someone. This bond doesn't make it any easier for you, I know. It's okay if you don't say it back. I just want you to know that I am in love with you. I have been in love with you for years. In this moment and for the rest of our lives, my heart belongs to you."

I smiled, a small tear escaped the corner of my eye. I took in a deep breath, "Cassian. I was scared I'd lose you last night too. And I care about you, so much it's all I can think about. But I'm not. I can't say it yet," his face didn't fall, "but you're there inside my heart. I promise you always have been."

He leaned down and kissed me, "I'll take it," he smiled as he pressed his forehead to mine, "I'll break down those walls, Nesta. One of these days you'll realize you don't need to hide behind them."

I cupped his cheek in my hand, "I know.” I sat up slowly, “so what did you go back to the car for?"

Cassian blushed, "I um. Bought this a long time ago because it reminded me of you. And I wanted to give it to you. I carried it around to all the places I went and in a way I felt like you were there too.”

He moved away from me and pulled a long silver chain out of his pocket. At the end was a little silver angel, holding a sword. The sunlight hit it through the window and it sparkled. I gasped, the wings were so detailed, ridges were etched into them by hand. I ran my finger over them. Tears filled my eyes.

"Cassian."

"It called to me. I was walking the streets of New Mexico, barely sixteen and I stopped at this table. I had spent the last ten years trying to forget you. And then it was there staring at me and your name fell off my lips. It made me think of you. I even named her Nesta. She was my good luck charm, my guardian angel. And I knew if I ever saw you again she belonged with you."

He slipped the chain over my neck and she settled against my chest. This was the sweetest thing anyone had ever given me. The fact that Cassian carried it for six years before it found its way to me, made it even sweeter. I wasn’t big on jewelry, but if something had sentiment, it was perfect for me. I smiled slightly, the feelings of the poison starting to fade. I leaned into him and kissed him softly. 

"I love it," I whispered, touching her again, "I rename her Nessian. For you and me."

Cassian laughed, "whatever you say love."

He grew quiet as I looked down at my new angel. It was beautiful and I couldn't believe he had remembered me the way I had remembered him. All those years ago across the country and I had still played on his mind. Maybe the world truly had crafted us for each other. 

I took in a breath and I realized he was worrying. Something about me. "Hey. What's wrong?"

"You were so helpless last night, I couldn't do anything to ease your pain. And I can't stop thinking about what Lucien isn't telling us. That we don't always make it."

I put my hand against his cheek, "you want him to tell us now. What happens to us."

He nodded, "I need to know so I can protect you. I won't lose you this time. I can't."

He held me tighter and I nodded, "okay. I want to know too. Last night was, terrible. I felt like I was stuck in a dark dream, like that shadow pulled me into his world and wouldn't let me go."

“I’ll talk to my dad. We can go see him now if you want. He will know how to stop whatever it is that shadow did to you, how to keep Tomas from getting into your head if that’s what happened.”

I was about to take him up on his offer when I remembered my shift at Rita’s. With everything that had been going on in my life I had forgotten about my normal job, at the local bar. Where nothing crazy happened except the run ins I always had with Tomas. Who was the whole reason my world was suddenly falling apart.

"I have to work today," I groaned as I looked at the clock, "shit in like an hour."

Cassian touched my cheek, "can you call off? I just. I don't want to let you out of my sight with this shadow thing and I'm sure you don't want me sitting at the bar all night."

I bit my lip. Calling off was something I hated to do because I lost the money. But I didn't want to leave Cassian either. And I still felt like I had been run over by a semi truck.

"No I need to work Cass. I need. To have normal along with you. So you can come and sit at the bar, but I need a day where shadows aren't hunting me."

He let out a breath, running his fingers across my cheek. "I get it. I do. Okay I'll go see my dad, he wants to talk to me about everything. You go work and call me if anything happens okay?"

I smiled, kissing him softly, "I promise you'll know if something goes wrong. The moment it does."

I pulled on a pair of shorts and then one of Cassian's white shirts. It was smaller than the rest, he must have shrunk it. I smiled at him as he came and grabbed my waist, pulling me into I'm.

"You shouldn't be allowed to wear these to work," the tips of his fingers ran down my thigh and I gasped loudly. It tickled and the feeling shot straight to my center, "I love your legs."

I giggled as he kissed me, his fingers still touching my legs, "no one sees me I'm behind the bar."

He sighed, "still. When you pulled them on I understood why Tomas is so obsessed with you."

"Yeah well you have something he doesn't," I smiled and wrapped my arms around him. I pressed my hand to his chest, "you've got my heart."

He kissed me again, "yeah. I do. I'm a pretty lucky bastard aren't I?"

"The luckiest," I whispered, rubbing my nose with his. I took in a deep breath and then pulled myself away from him, "I need to get going or I'll be late."

Cassian nodded, "okay. Yeah. I um. Can't move."

My eyes flashed, "so it's you this time."

"Seems like it."

I framed his face with my hands, his hair falling out of the tie he had thrown it up with, "Cassian. Go see your dad and let me work. I'll be fine," I kissed the corner of his mouth, "and then when I come home you can cook me dinner."

"Tease," he muttered as his hand wandered down to my butt, "I'll be waiting at your house. Unless. Something happens."

I smiled, "I know," I pressed my hand against his heart once more, "I feel you here."

Cassian reached out and adjusted my angel, it hung right at my chest, "and my angel will watch over you."

I laughed and brushed my fingers with his, "yes. Our angel. I really love it Cassian. That you thought of me all those years ago and kept this. For me. I just. No one has ever come back you know? Fifteen years and it feels like not a day has past since we've been together."

"I know," he kissed me softly, "it's beautiful."

I groaned, "I have to go Cass. I'll text you on my break okay? Keep your phone on you please."

He flashed me a smile, "you have to give me your number."

My cheeks burned when I realized I didn't have my own mates phone number. The realization hit me once more, he had only been back in my life for three days now. And he just confessed his love for me. I would’ve been scared, I would’ve been panicking, if his thumb didn’t brush my thigh in that moment. He held his phone up and I rattled off my phone number. He typed it in and then my phone vibrated. He kissed my cheek.

"Go before you're late love. I can't support us both."

I rolled my eyes, "I'm pretty sure you can. Bye Cass."

"Goodbye sweetheart."

I left the house before either of us could get carried away again. Not even a minute had passed and I already wanted to turn around and spend the day with him. We hadn't had a moment since he got home to spend as Nesta and Cassian. There was either a shadow terrorizing us or is family filling my head with more information than I could retain. I just wanted to spend a day with him, to learn who the boy I had lost had become. 

I didn't realize I was clutching the angel until I was halfway to the bar. 

I tried to remember my next day off. I knew I had the weekend off but I had made plans with Feyre a while ago to go shopping for school things if she did get that scholarship. Which meant she'd probably be cashing that promise in soon. I sighed, maybe Cassian would come too. Even if my sisters there we would still be together.

I made a mental note to ask him tonight over dinner.

The bar wasn't quiet when I got there, the lunch rush just settling in. Thankfully I wasn't scheduled past six. I grabbed my apron and tied it around my waist. I noticed as few eyes on my legs and I remembered the way Cassian had touched me. Maybe my shorts were a little too short.

I shook my head and started making drinks. I fell back into my normal rhythm even though my heart kept reminding me Cassian was somewhere else. I didn't think it was possible for one person to mean so much to another. But I couldn't remember how I functioned before Cassian came back.

That thought scared me. I was pouring a drink and I missed the glass, whiskey spilled on the counter top. I shook my head and tried to clear my thoughts. No Cassian. I tried not to think about Cassian. I was at work. We couldn't be together every minute of every day. That just wasn't possible.

"Nesta!" 

Joe smiled when he saw me, even though his booming voice had startled me, making me jump, "there's my favorite bartender. I hear you've met a boy."

I rolled my eyes. Joe was like the dad I never had. He took me in and even though he paid me shit and then cut my pay even more, I still loved him. Because he did what he could, he helped me as much as he could under the table. He was half the reason why this town helped us as much as they could too. Because Joe was this town and this town loved Joe. Which meant this town also loved us.

"I didn't just meet a boy. Cassian's back," I flashed him a smile as I said my mates name, "he was my friend when we were little and he came back to see if I was still here."

"Ah young love," Joe pressed his hand against his chest, "be still my beating heart.”

I rolled my eyes. Joe knew about Cassian. Joe knew pretty much everything about my life. When I started he was the only one who cared enough to learn, to ask me who I was even though everyone knew me as one of the Acheron orphans. He learned about my sisters and my best friend being taken away. He learned how hard it was to live with my father, who was broken and beyond repair. Joe knew everything that was to know about me.

He knew how much it meant to me that Cassian was back. I could see it in his eyes, they sparkled with happiness for me.

The door chimed  before we could continue talking, and Tomas walked in. Same time every day I worked the mid shift. I let out a breath and Joe shook his head, "oh no. I've told you enough times to leave my girl be."

Tomas held up his hands, his eyes on me. Then he smirked and looked at Joe, "I'm a paying customer. I'm here for a drink, nothing else. Tell him Nesta. I mean after all you're dating my cousin now."

I blushed, "it's fine Joe. Tomas will behave himself."

Joe muttered something in Spanish and then walked away. I still felt tired from my lack of real sleep last night. I pushed my hair out of my face and Tomas raised his eyebrows, "Romeo didn't do anything about that mark? That's too bad, it's draining you."

I looked at him confused, until I saw the black finger prints that circled my wrist. It hadn’t been there when I left Cassian earlier. I would’ve noticed it. Pieces of a dream I had had came flashing back to me. A shadow laughing, telling me Cassian would be the death of me yet again. Tomas asking me to rule the shadow world beside him.

The never ending cold. The shadows that were pleading for help, asking me to save them.

"I see you don't remember our little talk," he nodded his head and sighed, "they said it would be a side effect of the poison. So you haven't considered my offer then. The easy way or the hard way."

I couldn't take my eyes off my wrist. This black mark was huge and I had no idea when it had appeared or why. Cassian was going to go crazy when he saw it. But as I stared at the thing I realized that's why I was still tired. That's why I felt like I was fighting off the flu. I knew it the moment I saw the mark.

"I'll have Joe throw you out," I finally said glaring at Tomas, "don't talk about Cassian or me. Don't pretend like you actually want us together. This is some sick game to you."

He laughed, "maybe. But that doesn't mean I don't care about you. Because I do, Nes. I care about you so much."

"Stop calling me Nes. Just stop talking to me Tomas. Do you want a drink or not?"

He gave me his usual order and I filled it. Then I went to the back and tried to slow my heart. I could feel Cassian pulling on the imprint, my chest tight as he checked on me. I wondered if he could hear me thinking about the mark. I wondered if he felt the effects of it too.

God. When was I going to be able to read him?

I pushed my hair out of my face and pressed a cold cloth against my neck. The panicking was back and it made my heart keep beating faster than Cassian's. I knew he was going to drop whatever he was doing and come running to me soon. I closed my eyes for a moment and tried to settle myself. I wanted to get through one day, at least one whole shift without worrying my mate. I wanted to feel like I was still in control of my life.

Just when I thought I had it together that damn mark flashed in the mirror and the panic set in again. How was I supposed to get it off? And how had this happened inside a dream?

I jumped when the door shut loudly behind me. I turned around and Tomas stood there holding a chair. He placed it under the knob and turned towards me. He walked slowly through the kitchen, his fingers trailing on the metal table between us. He looked down and smiled as he picked up the knife sitting there. His smile was sickening as I dropped the cloth from my shaking hands.

He had never tried to hurt me before. This had always been about chasing me, never about hurting me. I never feared for my life until this moment. My chest went tight all at once and I knew I couldn’t push down my panic anymore. Cassian would know something was wrong. Cassian was probably on his way here now.

"I guess you're picking the hard way," he stepped towards me, "don't scream Nesta. This will only take a minute. And trust me, it’s going to hurt me more than you.”

I didn't even blink as he slashed the knife across my arm. It wasn't deep, just enough to draw blood. I gasped, more from surprise than pain. Tears filled my eyes as he grabbed a vial and took a few drops. Then pressed a new cloth against my skin.

"I'm sure Prince Charming will be here soon." The door knob rattled, "oh perfect right on schedule. Well if you excuse me I'm going to see my way out."

He ran out the back door as Cassian burst into the back room. The chair thudded to the floor as he pushed his way through the mess towards me. His breathing was ragged, his chest going up and down faster than ever. He grabbed me in his arms and I relaxed as we found each other.

"I felt your panic. And it wasn't because of Tomas and I just ran here," he was gasping for breath, "what happened sweetheart?"

He pulled my arm out, his eyes going to the black mark first, "Tomas did that. In a dream. It's why I'm still tired, it's draining my energy."

Cassian swore, "Lucien told me about this. If his intent was bad, if he touched you with the purpose of hurting you, your body hurts him in return. Because he isn't your mate, you're mine. It's your body's way of reminding him of that."

I sighed trying to understand what he was saying. I pushed my hair out of my face and showed him the other thing Tomas had done to me, "he cut me. For the purpose of getting my blood. God I'm so tired Cass. I don't have the energy to be upset."

He looked at the clock, "can you leave early? I just. Want to take you home. Olivia can take this thing off of you. Then we can rest. Together."

I nodded, "I'll tell Joe I got sick. It's only an hour early."

He kissed my forehead, "I'm so sorry I didn't get here faster."

"I'm fine Cass. I promise."

I went to find Joe and explained how I had gotten sick. He asked me if this was about Tomas and I couldn’t lie. I told him it was mostly because he had finally scared me. Joe told me it was fine and I could go home early tonight. He promised he’d deal with Tomas the next time he came in. Cassian had slipped out the back and waited for me outside. He pulled me in close as we walked back to his house. Lucien, Beron, and Olivia were there on the couch. They seemed happy to see us.

Until I showed them the mark. 

"Get it off of her please. It's draining her energy I can feel it. Like a second pulse," he was close to tears as Olivia pulled me down beside her.

"I'm so sorry sweetheart," she touched my cheek, "I can get it off of you. Just close your eyes."

I did as she told me and felt the heat of her hand wrapped around my wrist. I gasped as she undid what Tomas had done, the events playing back in my head. Only this time it played backwards, Tomas was already touching me as she went through the motions. I heard Olivia gasp as she saw the dream playing back in both our minds. Cassian's hand grabbed my knee, he needed to at least try and help me.

"This was because of a dream?" Olivia asked softly. I nodded as I felt the relief of having the mark gone, "good as new."

I all but fell into Cassian's arms, "take her to bed son," Beron looked at us, "she's exhausted. Go rest, but keep her close. As long as you're with her, touching her, he can't get in her head. We’ll... discuss what course of action to take against your cousin."

Lucien paled, "he's never been this way before. I am sorry."

I nodded and Cassian led me to his bedroom. I sighed as he shut the door, "so much for a night of dinner with you and my sisters."

"We can go to your house if you want."

I thought about Feyre and Elain, I hadn’t seen them since before the shadow had poisoned me. Right now I just wanted my sisters. I looked at my mate and swallowed my tears, “yeah. I want to go home.”

Cassian wrapped his arms around me and we went out the back door of Lucien’s house. I didn’t feel like explaining why I needed to go home and Cassian just wanted to make me happy. He held me as we walked down the shortcut through his neighborhood to mine. Then he pulled me into a tight hug before we went into my house.

“I’m sorry Nesta.”

“It’s not your fault,” I whispered softly as he wiped away another tear, “I will never regret you, Cass. Just like you’ll never stop caring for me, okay? You are my mate, my heart and soul. Don’t beat yourself up over what Tomas is doing, okay?”

He nodded, “come on, sweetheart. I’ll make dinner while you get some rest.”

He laced our fingers together and we walked into my house side by side. I felt stronger knowing no matter what, we would face this evil, Tomas and these shadows, together. And I knew no matter what happened, what took me away from him, I would never regret the moment he came back into my life. 

I would never regret him.


	7. Chapter 7

I slept for at least an hour while Cassian made us dinner. Before I drifted off I heard him talking to Feyre about what he was making and teaching her a few things about making things by hand. I knew that would help her when she was on her own, it was sweet. I tugged on our tethered heart strings, pride flooding through me. I loved that he loved my little sisters as if they were his too. I smiled as I closed my eyes, my body giving into exhaustion that had plagued me since this morning.

I didn’t dream and thankfully Tomas didn’t show up. Cassian shook my shoulder gently, waking me up. I smelled the food, but I didn’t want to get up just yet. He had saved me a plate, he didn't wake me while he ate with my sisters. I smiled as I sat up and he told me he wanted me to sleep for as long as I needed and that he would reheat whatever I wanted.

I stood up to stretch and looked at him. He was sweet and charming, he was everything I never thought was real. He was a character out of one of my favorite books. And somehow he was mine.

“I’m not hungry yet,” I answered as I reached for him.

“Did Tomas?”

I shook my head, “no he didn’t come into my dream again. I’m fine, I just need to sort through what happened, Cass.”

I closed my eyes and felt the weight of the world lift off my shoulders. I was still tired and yet I didn’t want to sleep anymore. I wanted to spend this time with Cassian. When I opened my eyes he was waiting right there, smiling slightly and watching me. He was looking at me like I was about to break again.

Before I could tell him to stop, he spoke, “Nesta you're sure you're okay?" 

Cassian's hands were gentle as he reached for me. His fingers brushed against my arm before a tear slid down my cheek. I didn’t even realize I was crying until he reached up and wiped the tears off my cheek with his shirtsleeve. A gesture so small it shouldn't matter. And yet it meant the world to me as he pulled away. 

I let out a breath, forcing myself to stop crying anymore, "yeah I'm fine. He just cut me and then I felt you and he bolted. It just happened so fast, and that thing, that mark drained me. I’m fine. I’m okay now that I have you.”

Cassian hated that Tomas had even looked at me let alone touched me. He blew out a breath and looked at the wound in my arm. It was superficial, it was barely there. Although it had bled when Tomas cut me, something that made him smile. But Cassian had mostly healed it when he came to save me.

"I hate him," he spit the words out like they were ice and I knew where this was going. He wasn't focusing on me anymore, he was obsessing over his hatred for his cousin.

"Hey," I touched his cheek and he closed his eyes, "don't let him win. Look at me Cass," I waited until those brown eyes I had kept hidden inside my heart for the last fifteen years found mine, "he wants you to stop focusing on me."

Cassian sighed, defeated, "I won't let you go to work without me next time," he whispered, his voice soft as he shook his head, my hand still against his cheek, "I will sit there for twelve hours if I have to. I hate that he thinks he has a claim to you."

I gave him half a smile, "no one gets to claim me," I whispered as I pulled on his shirt, "except you."

I pressed my lips to his successfully taking his mind off of Tomas and what had just happened. I smiled within the kiss as I wrapped my arms around his neck. He pulled me closer and I knew this was going to be the time we couldn't stop. My heart was going crazy, my body was tired of waiting for him. 

God we were like two teenagers. I couldn't handle the way he was touching me, how his fingers dug into my skin. My body was on fire, there was no way I was going to stop what we were doing. I couldn’t think straight, taking my own mind off Tomas and the fears he had been building in my mind. My fingers shook as I unbuttoned his shirt, letting it fall away and his beautiful chest was fully on display.

Cassian pulled me even closer and he grabbed my hips, "you have no idea what you do to me Nesta. No idea," he whispered as his lips hovered close to mine.

Cassian pinned me against the wall, "mmhm Cass," I moaned as he moved his mouth down my neck. His lips slipped over my chest, his tongue brushing against my breast. He slipped it under my bra and I gasped, the feeling hitting him through me. I shivered as he gripped my hips tighter in his hands.

He laughed, "but its okay. Because I see what I do to you," he nipped at my chin, "I can make you moan louder, Nesta. Say the word and we'll cross one line tonight. Just one."

My heart stopped, his eyes met mine. He was letting me choose. Letting this be my choice. After a moment I let out a slow breath, “yes."

Cassian pulled back, his thumb brushing over my bottom lip, “Nessa.”

I covered his lips with my fingers, “I said yes. Please Cass.”

He didn't hesitate that time, he dropped down to his knees, his hands still holding my hips. His fingers dug into my skin as he kissed around my thigh. My heart was pounding with anticipation. He hooked his fingers into the waistband of my shorts and pulled them down. His brown eyes didn’t leave mine as I stepped out of them before he kissed above the waist of my underwear.

"Cassian," my voice was full of air. My hands were shaking as I waited for him to get to the point.

He laughed against my skin, dragging down my underwear. "Patience, love."

I sighed and then before I could complain he slipped his finger across my center. I gasped as his teeth pulled on the skin at my thigh. I couldn't stop the moan that fell from my throat and passed my lips. My head fell back as he finally pressed his mouth against me.

I had never felt anything so good. The bond throbbed, Cassian's own arousal, his own want and desire for me, passed through and made the pleasure slam into me. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't see anything. My fingers sought for something to wrap around. They curled against the wall and my body shook under his hands.

I reached down and pulled on his hair as he swirled his tongue. "Cassian. Oh my god, Cass. Yes."

My back arched and my knees gave out. He held me, picking me up and carrying me to the bed. He never pulled away, his mouth pressed firmly against my core. My legs shook as he laid me down. And then a loud groan fell from my lips as he pushed a finger inside. His eyes were on me as he kept working me with his tongue, my entire body felt like it was going to combust as my eyes met his.

I covered my mouth with my hand, but Cassian pulled it away, "no I want to hear you."

I gasped as he picked up the pace, his eyes on mine as he curled that finger and slipped in another. I couldn't hold back anymore, I screamed his name. There was just so much, everything, I had no idea what to do with it. Cassian took up my entire heart, my soul, my mind as he worked me towards an edge I had never seen before.

"Shit," I bit my lip as my vision went white. His free hand wasn't moving from my hips, he held me down as I tried to wiggle underneath him. I gasped as he applied more pressure, his lips were warm against me. I couldn't see anything or feel anything but my soul bonded mate. Cassian filled my head, my heart as I fell apart under him.

"That's right love," his deep voice rumbled through me, "let go."

I came with a cry, pulling his hair as he worked me through it. He crawled up and kissed me softly, his own need strained against his pants. Once I recovered I rubbed my knee against him. I let out a satisfied sigh and his pride overflowed to me. He was so happy he had made me as content as I was in this moment. 

"Wow," I whispered as I kissed his jaw, "I um. I've been missing out on a lot."

He laughed, "just with me."

I rubbed him harder and his eyes rolled back, "your turn."

I flipped us over before he could protest. I ran my hands down his chest and he sucked in a breath as I unbuttoned his pants, "Nesta you don't have to. I'm perfectly fine."

"I can feel how good it made you feel," I whispered as my body slowly came back to itself. My heart still hadn't settled, "to cross that line. I want to make you feel good. I want to do that to you."

He swallowed, watching as I pulled his jeans off and then looked at him in his boxers. I took in a deep breath, my eyes going back to his as he helped me pull them off. I gasped when I saw him. He was bigger than I had imagined. Not that I spent a lot of time imagining him. My cheeks burned as my eyes met his. He smiled, reading me without even trying. I shook my head, my mouth watered. He was mine.

"Nesta." He took my hesitation, my big eyes, as fear I could tell.

So I ignored him and lowered myself down. The moment I kissed him, my lips touching his head gently, he bucked his hips and grabbed my hair. I felt the same wave of pleasure I had just felt come over him. I already knew this wouldn't last long.

"Nesta. Shit," he cursed as I bobbed my head and took him into my mouth. His fingers were curled in my hair. I knew his eyes were closed. His hips moved towards me on their own. I flicked my tongue over the tip and then my hand cupped what I couldn’t fit in my mouth.

His gasps and moans made my own desire spring back into being. I looked up at him through my eye lashes and his eyes were rolled back, his mouth was open. His chest was rising and falling faster than I had ever seen it before. A warmth spread through me and I pushed it towards him. Now I knew what he felt like watching me. I made have been on the receiving end but this was doing just as much for me as it was for him.

"Nesta. Love, I'm ah so close," he could barely form a sentence. I smiled at him, picking up the pace, his fingers pulling my hair harder. His legs were shaking, his chest rising and falling as fast as mine had been before. Just the sounds he was making made my body respond. His body went tight and then loose all at once as I took him in as far as he could go and then he fell apart.

I pulled back to look at him once he stopped shaking. He laughed, his eyes still closed as I crawled back up to his chest. His breathing was still erratic, "wow," he looked at me after a long moment of silence. I ran my finger down the black swirls on his chest, "I should've crossed that line a while ago."

I giggled, "I've never done that before," I whispered softly, "I've spent the last fifteen years raising my sisters. I've never cared that I didn't find someone to," I motioned between us, "but this feels right. You. Being my first for everything."

Cassian pulled me into his chest and pressed a kiss to my forehead. "You might not have been my first Nesta, but you're sure as well going to be my last. I can't let anyone else have you after that. I knew that mouth was wicked for a reason."

I laughed, but before I could say anything else he pressed his lips to mine. His fingers found my hip and I was ready to go again. My body thrummed for him. My need for him was echoed from his desire for me. To do more. To make me moan and writhe under him.

I pulled away and traced the black line on his chest, “what do they mean?”

There were three black swirls that connected across his chest. They were beautiful and I couldn’t stop staring at them. He let out a slow breath, his fingers drawing identical lines down my side and across my hips. He smiled slightly as I shivered under his touch.  
“I got them in California. In honor of three girls I used to know growing up,” I ran my finger over the one on his right shoulder, “a baby girl who was barely able to walk when I left,” my finger traced the line on his left shoulder, “a sweet middle sister who’s smile made everyone happy,” I touched the center line, where it swirled and connected the other two right around his heart, “and their oldest sister, who would do whatever she had to do to keep them safe.”

“Cassian,” I whispered shaking my head, “you did not get this tattoo for us.”

He kissed me, my fingers stopped at the line he said was for me, the boldest line, with a few thorns on it. He smiled as he pulled away, the tiniest swirl made a heart, “I did. Because you were my family, the only real family I ever had. The only true family I could remember. I wanted to remember you three, even if we never saw each other again.”

I wiped away a tear, “you are… amazing,” I sighed happily as his weight shifted and his hips were heavy on mine. He smiled before pressing into me, clearly wanting to cross that line with me again. His fingers were swift and smooth across my stomach, going back down towards where I wanted them most once more. I moaned into his mouth, my fingers tangling in his long hair. 

Before he could make me moan again, there was a knock on my door. I jumped, Cassian covered us with one of my blankets. Feyre didn't wait she pushed open the door and stuck her head in.

"Hey guys," she was smiling. Like she knew what we had been doing, "there's some guy here saying he's Cassian's brother."

We looked at each other. Feyre looked at the clothes on the floor and I blushed, "Okay we'll be right out."

Feyre laughed, "hey at least you found your room this time," I had never hated my little sister more than in this moment, "oh and Cass. Your brother's kinda cute."

Cassian laughed before Feyre closed the door. I didn't move and I didn't let him move either, "why do you think he's here? And is it Rhys or Az?"

He shrugged, "probably Rhys. Az is really quiet and Feyre would prefer those violet eyes I'm sure. But they really want to get to know me, but I spend all my time with you. And they get it, they grew up understanding the imprints. But something tells me this isn't a social call.”

“Just when I thought we could go an hour without the world ending.”

He sighed, flashing me a weak smile, as he handed me my underwear and then the shorts he had thrown off, "come on, pretty girl. Let's get our pants on."

My cheeks burned as I laughed. Once we were dressed Cassian offered me his hand and my embarrassment faded slightly as his skin touched mine. He kissed me before opening my bedroom door. I loved our stolen moments filled with heat. But I loved the little moments, when he wanted to remind me how he could barely keep his hands off of me even more.

"I know you do," he whispered softly as he leaned his forehead against mine, "that's why I do it."

I couldn't help but smile and kiss him back.

We found Rhysand flirting with my youngest sister once we made it to the living room. He smirked at us, "well so nice of you to join us. Fully dressed."

Cassian didn't look amused. "What do you want Rhys?"

His smile left him, "Tomas has gone crazy. He's missing and uh. Well uncle Luc says he figured out why he attacked you,” his eyes flashed towards the kitchen where Feyre had gone, “they figured out that he has a shadow helping him."

"Helping him do what?" I asked as Cassian's heart rate spiked. He wanted to pull me behind him. To keep me safe.

Rhys's eyes turned towards mine, "he's trying to find a way to break your bond. He wants to force an imprint with Nesta."


	8. Chapter 8

Cassian pulled me closer. I clung to him, my nails biting into his skin. I couldn’t imagine losing him again, not after what we had found together. "I know I'm new but that's not possible is it?"

Rhys shook his head, "no. Not normally. But he's using a shadow so we don't know what's possible. You two have to stay together. You haven't gotten your abilities so you'll be safer if he tries anything."

Cassian nodded, then wrapped his arms around my shoulders. I felt his lips press against my head and I tried to take the comfort he was offering me. But it was hard to relax when the thought of losing each other was still there looming over our heads, "I'm not letting you out of my sight Nesta."

My eyes went to Feyre who had come back from the kitchen and sat there listening. Her eyes were huge, "uh what the hell are you guys talking about?"

I pulled away from Cassian, who’s full attention was now on Rhys asking him about Tomas and what their uncle was doing to get his son in line, and went to my sister. I took her hands in mine and swallowed.

"I uh. I have to tell you something Fey. But you have to promise you won't call me crazy or tell anyone else. My life and Cassian's depend on it."

"Nesta. Did he do something? Did Tomas do something?"

I shook my head, "no not yet. But he's trying. Cassian and I imprinted, bonded. We're souls who have been together since the beginning of time. And we're apart of a bigger world. Meant to keep the shadows out. It's why he comes here every morning. Because without him I start to get sick. And Tomas is trying to break our soul imprint and force one with me."

Feyre let out a whoosh of a breath, "wow. That's uh. A lot."

I laughed slightly, "tell me about it.”

Feyre’s eyes were wide as she looked at me, then to Cassian and back again, “aren’t you freaked out about this? You seem so calm, the sister I know wouldn’t just take this supernatural thing and be completely okay with it.”

“I was freaked out a few days ago when it happened. But now. Now I love him," my voice was low so he wouldn't hear, "and I think I always have, even before this happened. When were seven and he pushed me into the mud. Maybe I knew back then. I don't know, but I feel it. It's real."

Feyre pulled me in, "I'm happy you've found someone. Especially since I was so worried about you. I'm leaving and Elain has started to look to her future. I was worried about you, what you would do when we left. But now I don't have to because Cassian is here," she smiled as she pushed my hair out of my face, "and I promise I won't tell anyone and I won't tell Tomas anything. You're my sister."

I let out a cry as I hugged her. My heart must have picked up because Cassian stopped talking and came over. He looked worried, until he realized Feyre and I were having a moment. He went to step away, but my sister caught his arm. She smiled, as if she was accepting him back into our family. As if this had been the real test.

Feyre sighed, "I think Cassian should stay here. With us. If Tomas is really trying to hurt you, it would be safer. Plus then I wouldn't jump every morning he comes barging in."

I laughed at my little sister, another flood of relief swept over me. I hugged her again, feeling the weight lift off my shoulders. She was okay with this, with us. Even if she didn't truly believe me at least she believed in how I felt for Cassian. Cassian reached for my hand again, he was panicking over my changing heart rate.

"I'm fine," I said pulling away as he tried to take my hand, "we're just having a sister moment."

Cassian smiled as Rhys looked at Feyre, "you two look so much alike. It's crazy," he sighed as Cassian pulled me in and without thinking brushed a tear off my cheek.

"We all look like our mother," I leaned into him and some of my emotions let up, "thank god. Our father didn't have charm or looks."

Feyre laughed and Rhys looked amused. Cassian laughed, the vibration hitting me through his chest, “so it’s settled then, right? You’re going to stay here?”

“If you’re okay with that,” he pulled back and brushed his knuckles against my cheek.

“I want you to,” I smiled, holding onto his hand, “I like falling asleep with you. Waking up with you.” 

Cassian blew out a breath, "I'm going to get my stuff from my uncles house. I'll come right back okay?"

"I'm not a damsel in distress Cass. I can handle a few minutes away from you."

He kissed me softly, "but I can't stand to be away from you.”

I rolled my eyes and pushed him away from me, watching as he followed his brother out the door. Feyre smiled, shaking her head. I already knew I would never hear the end of it, but for the first time I was okay with that. Because Cassian was my soul bonded, the other half of me. I didn’t care about anything or anyone but him.

——

After he went home and got clothes Cassian brought Rhysand back with him. They were both wearing smirks, like they were in on something we weren't. He kissed me again, as if we had been apart for longer then half an hour. Then he put his stuff in my room while Feyre watched us with raised eyebrows. I sighed as Cassian came back out and pulled the dinner he had already made back out and warmed some up for me.

And he ate again.

"This is good even reheated," I sighed as he sat beside me, his free hand coming to my knee, "I think you're some kind of fairy. Like how does one person cook this well?"

He laughed, "I had a foster mom would actually gave a shit for a minute. And she taught me the basics. I learned the rest as I got older, I got tired of eating like a bum."

Rhysand's smile fell slightly when his brother brought up his foster home. I leaned into him, "do you hate those memories? Do you hate the fact that whenever I ask you something you remember a foster home, more than one family?"

Cassian chewed his food as Feyre watched us. Maybe there was something different about us, now that she knew the truth. Maybe she was just amazed that I had finally opened up for someone else.

"No," he finally answered, "it's my life. Sure I hate the fact that I wasn't here, that they took me away. But if they hadn't I wouldn't have held onto you so tightly. I believe everything happened the way it was supposed to."

I pulled my head off his shoulder and looked at him. I kissed his cheek, "yeah. I think it did too."

"Everything except Tomas," Rhys muttered. 

I finished eating, "well yeah. There's him."

Feyre sighed, "tell me what he's doing. What does he want with my sister? What is this imprint and you didn't just fall asleep with Cassian the other night did you?"

Cassian clasped my hand, I squeezed his fingers. I wasn't sure where to even start. I bit my lip, thinking back to a few days ago when he came back. There's so much to go through and yet it had only been a few days.

"We were crafted for each other," I winced as the words fell out, "a long time ago. Cassian and I are soul mates, in the line of supernaturals that his family is. We bonded and now we're connected. His soul is the other half of mine, we protect each other. We are meant to protect this world from the shadow world.”

Cassian smiled at my sister, "it's the reason my mom sent me away, because she didn't want me to become one of them. But it's not something you become. It's my blood, it's who I am. It's who Nesta has always been to me."

"And Tomas has decided that he wants to break us. To break our bond and take me away from Cassian. He's always been obsessed with me. I was good at ignoring him, pretending he wasn’t there,” I blushed as Cassian pulled me closer, "but that Cassian is home and we imprinted, now it's gotten worse."

Feyre stared at us. But she didn't look scared or in disbelief. She was smiling, watching Cassian and I tell our own pieces of the story we had barely formed together. She always did love a good story. Especially one that had romance and mystery. Her eyes sparkled as she watched us together, Cassian’s skin always touching mine. Rhysand was smiling too.

"Wow. I think. I've never seen my sister like this," Feyre shook her head, “I know she missed you a lot when we were younger. Every story she told us was about you and her. But I never realized it was more than a childhood love. I mean, this is real. I can see it, I believe it. I’m really happy she found you again Cass."

I laughed as he kissed my temple. "I'm really glad I found her too."

"You're not going to tell me I'm crazy? Because when this all first started I thought I was."

Feyre laughed, "I think it's sweet. I think it's wild. But I can see the truth. You've always held a piece of Cassian in your heart, maybe because you already knew this day would come. You never looked twice at anyone or cared for a relationship. You always told me it was because you had me and Elain to watch. But I knew it was because your heart, your soul would never consider anyone but Cassian. I was a baby and I could still see what you two had was more than real."

Cassian wrapped his arm around my shoulder. For a moment I let it all settle around me. My little sister didn't care that we weren't completely human. All she cared about was that we were happy. I smiled as I saw Rhysand staring at her. It was like he was seeing her for the first time.

"Thanks Feyre. I'm really glad I told you.”

I finished eating, Cassian’s hand slipping between my thighs. As long as he was touching me I didn’t worry about Tomas and whatever he was trying to do with the shadows. I didn’t worry that Feyre would no longer see us as cute, or that we wouldn’t make it to the end of the summer. I didn’t worry as long as I had my mate, my best friend beside me. It was nice, the silence that filled me whenever he was there.

It was a break from reality. 

"So Nes," Feyre sat up straighter and changed the subject, "you promised me we'd go shopping for stuff for my dorm, if I got in. I know you're off tomorrow and well. Can we go?"

I knew it was coming. I tried to remember how much I had saved for this moment but I couldn’t. It had taken me so long to save for anything, I was surprised the number didn’t pop up in my head. But I had been so busy with Cassian and this new life I forgot about the responsibilities I had.

"I suppose we can venture into the city. But we aren't buying everything at once," Feyre smiled and clapped her hands, "I don't have enough money to buy you everything."

"Don't worry I saved some too big sister," she jumped up and kissed my cheek, “thank you! I really do love you, Nes."

I squeezed her hand, "yeah. I love you too."

Feyre went into the living room and Rhysand followed her. I gathered the plates and put them in the sink. I started to wash mine and Cassian came over to stand beside me. He tried to help but I waved him away.

"You cooked, which means I clean."

He shook his head and leaned against the counter to watch me instead, "you're a great big sister," he said softly as I scrubbed at the dirty plate, "if you need any help, getting Feyre anything for school. Just tell me okay? She's my sister now too."

I nodded, my cheeks burned from his offer, "I'll manage. I always do."

Cassian pulled my chin up and looked at me, "you don't have to manage alone anymore, Nesta. You've got me now too."

I offered him a smile and nodded slowly, "yeah. I know."

My hands were covered in suds but I still stood up on my tip toes and kissed him. He smiled as I pulled away feeling the tether pull tighter as we looked into each other's eyes. Mostly because we were both thinking about the moment we had shared before we left my room. The moment that I wanted to repeat and repeat with him.

I couldn’t help but wonder if I would ever stop feeling so much for him all the time.

"Nes!" Feyre broke the spell and ran into the kitchen, "Nesta. Cassian's brother just asked me on a date."

Her eyes were shinning. My entire body jolted back to reality and I turned away from my mate. I grabbed a towel and turned to look at my sister. She couldn't go on a date with Rhysand. Because he was supernatural too. Unless he imprinted with her, but I thought he would tell me. Or at least tell Cassian.

"Feyre you can't," I whispered softly, "I don't think you should."

"Why not?" Her face fell slowly.

"Because he's also supernatural. Which means there is a chance he'll imprint one day. I don't. He shouldn't even want to take that chance with you."

"I didn't come to seek your permission. I came to tell my sister about the date I was asked out on."

"Well you can't go," I snapped back, our nice happy moment from earlier was gone, "end of discussion."

Feyre's eyes got wide, "you aren't my mother."

That hurt. All my life Feyre had looked at me as if I was her mother. She held my hand, she cried until I held her. In all sense of this life she had been my baby. Hearing those words broke a piece of my soul off. Cassian tried to reach for my hand, but I pulled away.

I didn't want his comfort. Not for this.

"Feyre please. Just understand this is dangerous. Rhys isn't the boy next door and you're going off to school in a few months. If you think about it, getting into a relationship right now isn't the best for either of you."

She stood up taller. She had always been taller than me, "it's just a date. I didn't say we were getting married."

I ran my hands through my hair and used my mom voice. The one I hadn't used since she was five years old. "I said no okay? I just don't want you to."

Feyre stomped her foot and crossed her arms, "Nesta please? I haven't wanted to go out with anyone since Tamlin."

"You don't understand," I didn't want her to see Rhys because I didn't want her to be heartbroken when the imprint happened with someone else. What were the chances they'll be mates too? 

"Come on Nessa," Cassian let out a breath, his voice dripping with sweetness. He was hurt I wouldn’t let him comfort me. I almost broke and reached for his hand, until he took my sister’s side, "let them be kids and go on a date. What's the worst that can happen?"

My eyes went wide and my chest throbbed. I didn't want to fight with him, but I wasn't about to let him take her side.

"You of all people should understand," I glared at him, "don't you take her side Cassian. I'm her sister, you aren't related to them. I've gotten them to eighteen alive and well. So you stay out of this."

"Whoa," he threw his hands up, "sorry."

Feyre had tears in her eyes, "Nesta please. I just want to go to dinner with him. What can happen with that?"

"I said no. End of discussion."

Feyre stuck out her lip, "well I'm a big girl Nesta. I asked in consideration of you and Cassian, more so Cassian since they're brothers. But I don't need your permission."

I curled my hands into fists, "Feyre please I told you about the imprints. I don't want you to get hurt, after—"

She held her hand up, "don't say his name. I am fine Nesta. I have been fine for the last year.” Her eyes went from me to Cassian and back again, "Cassian can you talk some sense into her? For me?"

"Feyre." I stopped when I saw Cassian give her a sympathetic look and I shook my head, "you two have fun conspiring against me."

I pulled opened the front door and walked out before I could even consider how bad of an idea that was. I walked out into the evening light and went towards the street. My body fought me, it wanted to turn around and go home to Cassian. But my mind told me to ignore the pain, the anxiety that flooded through me. We never fought and now I understood why.

Because it was as painful as being in withdrawal.

I didn't stop though. I walked through the empty streets and towards the field. I just needed a minute to process the fight I had with Feyre. She wanted to go on a date with Rhysand. Why was Cassian on her side? He knew if they started something and he imprinted with someone else she would be left heartbroken. 

After what Tamlin had done to her I couldn't bare to see my sister hurt again. Why didn't she understand that? Tears choked me as I wandered into the grass, trying to stay angry instead of hurt. I felt Cassian pull on the imprint.

I shut myself off. I wasn't even sure how but I couldn't feel him pull on my chest anymore. I felt his heartbeat and that was it. I sighed as I sat down in the field and pulled my legs up under my chin. I hated fighting with my sisters. I hated feeling like a parent instead of a sister.

But I wouldn't let someone hurt Feyre again. I had turned a blind eye to Tamlin, I had let him hurt her for months without realizing she was slipping away. And I hated myself for that period in her life. That's why I tried so hard to bring her back to us. To make sure she would never go through something like that again.

I closed my eyes and leaned my forehead against my knees. I took in a few deep breaths and slowly my anger faded. I wasn't angry, just upset that both of them ganged up on me. Mostly because Cassian had ganged up on me. Because he knew what this imprint was, what it did to us.

He should've been the one to say no.

"I know you worry about me," Feyre stood behind me, her voice was small, "but I'm not a little girl anymore. And I would never agree to a date with another Tamlin again."

She sat down beside me and pulled my arm until she was holding it in her lap. She leaned her head on my shoulder, "I worry about you, Fey. You were in such a bad place after what he did. It took you months to come back to us."

"I know," she whispered softly, "and I love you so much for being my sister, my friend. For being there when I was mean and hard to love. But I don't need you as a mother anymore. I needed you when we were younger yes, but now I need you as my friend."

I nodded, "I'm afraid you'll get in too deep and Rhys will imprint with someone else. I don't want you to get hurt because of something he can't control."

"I'll take that chance," she whispered softly, "because I like him. After Tamlin I thought I'd never trust someone or want to date someone again. But Rhys is sweet and funny. I want to try again Nesta. That's good."

"It's amazing," I smiled as I turned and looked into the eyes we shared. The eyes our mother had given all three of us. "I'm sorry I yelled at you. I'm sorry I walked out."

"It's okay. Cassian went crazy though, I had to stop him from following you. When you closed yourself off, whatever that means, he started pulling at his hair. I physically stopped him from pulling it out of his head, because his hair is too pretty."

I laughed, "Feyre."

"He said it was dangerous but I said you needed space. So I came instead."

I leaned into her, "I guess we should go back so the brute doesn't have a heart attack." Feyre laughed as we stood up, "I'm sorry for being so controlling. I know you aren't five anymore. But you'll always be my little girl."

Feyre hugged me tightly, "And I'm sorry for being a brat."

We walked back to the house together laughing and our fight was gone. The front door flew open the minute we got back to the house. Cassian came running out and Feyre smiled as he hugged me tightly.

The pain and anxiety left me as he held me, "I'm sorry Nesta. I didn't mean to make you mad. I promise I just thought. Like Feyre and Rhysand might be friends."

I nodded, "I overreacted. I'm sorry for walking out. I don't like fighting with you."

"Yeah. I don't like fighting with you either."

He leaned in and kissed me softly, "but hey we officially survived our first one," I said softly before he wrapped his arms around my waist. I leaned into him.

"Yeah. We did," he kissed my temple as we walked back into the house, “can we never do it again?”

I laughed against his chest, “I can’t promise that. I’m pretty stubborn.”

“You’ve got that right.” His eyes flashed, “so what do you say we have desert now? Elain just got home, she's in the shower. Then we can watch a movie or something."

My stomach agreed, "I say yes please, boyfriend."

"So," I sighed as Cassian started gathering the rest of the dirty plates and put them in the sink, "when's the date Feyre?"

My sister laughed, "tomorrow. Rhys said he uh. Made reservations. And told me to wear something pretty."

She was still smiling and I shook my head. I could already see how taken she was with Cassian's brother. I bit my lip and wondered if maybe. Maybe this was what she needed. If this would help her completely fight off the darkness Tamlin had brought with him. 

Cassian laughed, "Rhys is a good man, Fey. I've only known him as long as you all, but I can tell he's good."

I stood up and walked around the counter. I wrapped my arms around Cassian's waist, pressing a kiss to his shoulder, "not as good as you."

Cassian's eyes flashed as he pulled out the cheesecake he had made while I slept. My mouth watered, it was chocolate, my favorite. He even somehow added mousse to it. And chocolate chips on the back. It's like he knew my weakness was chocolate everything. He laughed when he heard me marveling over his creation.

"I made it for you," he cut off pieces as the showered turned off, "you're sure you're okay with Feyre and Rhys?"

"No." I sighed as he handed me a fork and I took a bite. It tasted heavenly. I moaned, "Cassian. This might be better than what you did with your mouth earlier."

His laugh was deep, but his eyes were dark, "I'll have you reconsidering that later tonight," he said softly, taking his own bite of cake. 

The night turned into a normal one with my family. My sisters thought Cassian was funny, they indulged him talking to the screen when we all settled in to watch a movie together. And me, well there was nowhere else I wanted to be. I was perfectly happy curled up on his chest, my heart beating in time with his.


	9. Chapter 9

After Feyre found out the truth Cassian started staying over every night. I didn’t want to leave my sisters alone, so he brought a few things to keep at my house. He offered me his bed, but he understood that my sisters were important to me. He knew that if Tomas was trying to hurt me he would go after them next. Taking Cass away would hurt, but taking my sisters would kill me. So he didn’t complain whenever we settled in for the night at my house. He actually seemed to like it more, since his uncle wasn’t there to constantly check on us.

Feyre had her first date with Rhys and then right after that they went out again. We had had to reschedule our shopping trip because they had taken to each other fast. I still hadn’t found the time to ask her how it went and what they did. Cassian was the only thing that stopped my anxiety from over flowing into panic whenever I thought of my little sister getting her heart broken again.

Tonight we had somehow found rime for an actual date. There were no shadows, no sisters, no pressing issues to deal with. It felt too good to be true, but it had happened. Cassian took me out to the movies and then to a nice dinner somewhere other than the bar or my house. He took me into the city and he charmed me the way he would’ve if we weren’t already bonded. And if he weren’t already tethered together I would’ve fallen in love with him right then and there. Because he was adorable when he was in full on date mode. He wanted everything perfect and he told the corniest jokes.

He was amazing and I still couldn’t believe we had found each other again.

Our evening had ended almost an hour ago. Elain was out with friends and Feyre was still with Rhysand. I was listening for the door, but I was also half asleep, my head on Cassian’s chest as I ran my finger up and down his chest. I loved his tattoo, even more now that I knew what it truly meant for him.

“Can I ask you something?” My voice was soft as we laid in my bed together. I was tangled up in his arms, the sheet wrapped around both of us. It was bittersweet, sleeping beside him and knowing we couldn’t go further than we already had.

Cassian hummed, “you can ask me anything, love.”

He pressed a kiss to my temple, “why don’t you call me Nes? I mean I love sweetheart and love, god when you call me love with your accent I melt,” I blushed slightly when he looked at me through his dark lashes, “but you used to call me Nes, when we were younger.”

He ran the tips of his finger down my arms slowly, tickling my skin, “I think you can probably figure out why.”

I wrinkled my nose and then it dawned on me, “Tomas.”

He nodded, “he always calls you Nes. And I just. You’re my Nesta, my sweetheart. My love. I don’t want to call you a nickname everyone else does. And I don’t want to call you something that my cousin, who’s trying to hurt you, calls you all the time.”

I smiled as I sat up, my hair sweeping across his bare chest. When he pulled his shirt off and declared he slept topless, my heart did a somersault, one he had felt as well. I smiled, tracing a line of his tattoo. I felt him shiver under my finger, “well. You got a few points for that answer, Cass.”

He laughed as I leaned down and covered his lips with mine. Before I knew what was happening his fingers curled around my waist and I climbed up on his lap. With my legs on either side of him I leaned down until my chest was pressed against his. Both our breathing was ragged as I pulled away, his fingers running softly through my hair.

“We should sleep,” He whispered. The bond pulled as we tried to stop the direction we wanted to go in. We fell asleep before Feyre made it home that night.

Waking up with Cassian was my favorite thing. I smiled whenever I found him watching me, his fingers gliding over my skin. I could get used to this, but somewhere inside my heart I knew this wouldn’t last. I needed to talk to Lucien, I needed to ask him what Tomas was doing. We had put a pause on being scared because Tomas was gone. We had been living in a bubble for a few days, trying to be a normal couple.

But something was nagging in my head, telling me I needed to find out the truth before it took me away from Cassian again. Something told me this time would be different. I might not remember my past lives, but I had lived them. I had a feeling that wasn’t going to happen if Tomas or the shadows took me away this time.

I changed into a new pair of pants, biting my lip as my stomach cramped. I sighed as I threw my dirty clothes into the pile at the door, reminding myself I needed to do laundry when we were done shopping with Feyre. I pulled a shirt on just as I heard loud footsteps coming pounding down the hallway, stopping right outside my door.

“Nessa, hey are you okay?" Cassian pushed the door open as I bent over, my hand on my stomach. I winced as my stomach cramped again.

I let out a slow breath, "yeah," my cheeks flushed as I stood up, "I'm okay."

"No you're not," he came into my room and reached for me, "your stomach hurts. I can feel it."

I couldn't help but laugh, "you feel my cramps too? Well this makes things interesting."

“I don’t feel them like you do, but I know you're in pain," he said softly. It took him a moment to process what I said, "oh. I uh. Can I get you something?"

The cramps slowly faded as I reached for him. I laughed as I touched his cheek, leaning into kiss him softly, "I am fine. But now you know what this time of the month feels like."

Cassian's face was bright red, it burned under my hands. He shook his head, "well I don't feel the full effects but I uh. Will do whatever you want if it makes you comfortable."

I sighed, "you're too sweet to me. But I promised Feyre we'd go shopping. Which means she'll tell us all about her date. While taking forever to make a decision and I’ll be miserable and you get to the be the adult in the situation. So I hope you’re excited.”

Another cramp stabbed at my stomach, Cassian steadied me as he felt it too. I leaned into him, my body aching. Sometimes being a woman truly sucked. Especially in this moment, when my boyfriend was actually trying to take care of me and all I wanted was to lay in bed and stuff my face with ice cream. And cry.

Maybe that’s why I was suddenly so worried about this Tomas thing. Maybe my emotions were just lining up with my hormones because of my period and I was anxious for nothing. I shook my head, trying to stop thinking about the supernatural side of this story and focus on helping my sister today.

Cassian sighed, “can't you tell Feyre we'll go a different day? If you aren't feeling good?"

I couldn't help but laugh again, his innocence was adorable. I shook my head and pulled away from him, "we don't get to cancel the day just because we're bleeding. We aren't men."

Cassian rolled his eyes as I fixed my hair and then grabbed my phone. I texted my sister, telling her to be ready in ten minutes to go. Normally I would’ve been happy to go shopping, but today I didn’t really want to. I wanted to curl up with a warm compress on my stomach and my boyfriend beside me. I wanted to watch a bunch of stupid old movies and fall asleep with Cassian’s fingers running across my scalp. 

Being an adult sucked even more than I thought it would. I sighed as I grabbed my bag and threw my wallet into it.

"So did you think about it?" Cassian leaned against the door watching me. He pulled me out of my mind and back into the room.

"About what?"

"Letting me help you," he smiled as my eyes met mine, "or help Feyre. She's my sister now too."

I shook my head, "no. We'll be fine, Cass. Save your money for you."

He grabbed me by the waist of my jeans and pulled me forward, "Nesta. I only want to spend my money on you. And possibly your sisters."

I sighed as I put my hands on his chest, "fine. I'll give you an answer when we see what my youngest sister picks out, okay? Just warning you, she has expensive taste.”

His eyes sparkled, “it’s not a no, so I’ll take it," he leaned in and kissed me just as Feyre came out in the hallway.

“No time for kissing! Let’s go, we have stuff to buy!”

I sighed, rolling my eyes and taking Cassian's hand into mine as we followed her out the door and took his truck. I knew we were going to need his truck because Feyre was going to get everything she could possibly get today. I dreaded hearing the total.

Feyre clapped her hands loudly, smiling as I glared in her direction. I could already tell today was going to be terrible. Between my mood and Feyre’s perkiness I had a feeling someone was going to come home unhappy. And from experience I knew that it was more than likely going to be me.

——

I blew out a long, annoyed, breath as Cassian sat at the end of the bar. He had made that spot his home for the last three shifts I worked. Ever since Tomas cornered me he worried more. I could feel him, slowly my mind was tuning to his and I was starting to be able to hear him the way he heard me. He was constantly worrying. His thoughts were always on me.

Rhysand and Azriel were working with their dad to figure out what exactly Tomas was doing to try and break our bond. We knew it involved my blood somehow, since he had taken it the last time he came to the bar. But they weren't getting a lot of answers since he was hiding.

Cassian barely let me out of his sight these days, even to go to the bathroom. He went with Feyre and I shopping for things for her new dorm. He complained the entire time about how long it took us to make a simple decision about curtains. I told him he didn't have to come. Of course having him along was nice for the heavy lifting. It was kind of fun, the three of us together. 

It hadn’t been as terrible as I thought it would be. We ended up having a good time, the three of us. I even let Cassian buy Feyre an expensive chair, even though she didn’t need it. He treated us to dinner in the mall we had gone to, my sister telling us all about her date in vivid details as we ate our Chinese in the food court.

It seemed like Rhys and Feyre had gotten closer. Much to my dismay. But Cassian told me he talked to his brother and he knew they could only ever be friends. So much had happened in the last week I could barely remember what started the chaos that was now my life.

I wiped down the bar and Cassian smiled as he watched me. Working didn't suck as much with him here. I got to sit with him on my breaks and he fed me the food he ordered and then tipped me too much for. It felt normal, even if it really wasn’t. For the eight hours I worked it felt like we were just another couple, too afraid to spend time without the other since what we had was so new.

It still struck me stupid how whenever I glanced over that he was already staring. As if he couldn't take his off of me. Like I was the stars in his sky; the only girl in this room. I was never that romantic of a person. But suddenly Cassian appeared and I barely recognized myself.

I grabbed one of the orders and set it at the opposite end of the bar. I made small talk with a few regulars and refilled their drinks. I pocketed the tip that someone had left as I smiled at the joke someone told. This was my place, this had been my home for the last however many years. I knew these people and these people knew me. Tomas couldn’t take that away from me. He couldn’t take this away from me. This was my home.

I sighed loudly as Joe kept watch over me. Ever since Tomas got into the back he stayed during my shifts. He was like the father I never had. Sometimes it was nice and other times I felt like they were both babysitting me and I had to be on my best behavior. I winked at Earl, the daytime regular, before throwing my rag into the dish bin at the end of the bar where he sat.

Then I walked over to Cass and leaned against the bar in front of him, "do you need anything?"

"I'm good," he looked down at his phone and then rethought his answer. He grabbed my hand before I could stand back up, "wait I could use something."

"What?"

He leaned in and smiled, "a kiss from the prettiest girl in the room."

I rolled my eyes, but before I could protest he pressed his lips to mine. I giggled before pulling away, "you're such a dork."

"I might be a dork, but in your dork."

"Somehow I got stuck with you," I whispered as he kissed my cheek.

I sighed happily as I pulled away, “so tonight, when I get off. I have to repay you, to thank you for putting up with Feyre and I the other day. You were so patient even when we weren’t.”  
Cassian smiled, his finger running along the back of my hand, “yeah. I am a pretty great boyfriend. You don’t have to repay me Nesta. I wanted to go, I wanted to spend time with you. I always do.”

I bit my lip, “I know. But I still have a few things in mine,” I whispered before leaning in and kissing him once more, “I think you’ll like what I’m thinking of.”

I winked, standing back up as Joe came over and looked from me to Cassian and back again, "is he bothering you?"

I laughed, "no Joe. This one is my actual boyfriend. This is Cassian."

His eyes went wide, "whoa. Whenever you talked about little Cassian I imagined a scrawny little boy. But this... he's a man."

Cassian laughed, "well I figured growing up was unavoidable. So I wanted to do it right."

I laughed as Joe looked from me to Cassian and back again, "you be good to her. She's like a daughter to me."

"I love Nesta," I smiled as the words fell easily off his lips, "I will never be anything but good to her. I promise."

Joe nodded as Adam, the cook, called him away. I leaned in and kissed Cassian again. This was a harder kiss, one that meant to leave an impression.

"What was that for?" He asked breathless as he pulled away.

"For that answer."

I winked before turning and checking on the others at the bar. Cassian was still smiling as I walked away. I spent the next hour cleaning up messes and serving drinks. I was counting down the minutes until my break. I wanted to sit and eat something. I rolled my shoulders, a few aches and pains needled in my spine. Even with Cassian here I couldn’t fight the exhaustion that flooded me from a few restless nights without him.

A few minutes before I pawned my latest bar dweller off on the other bar tender the door opened. I didn't notice who slipped in until it was too late. I felt Cassian's anger, his heart hammering inside both our chest.

I looked up as the shadow found me. It smiled, trying to appear human. It wasn't like the dream I had had. The dream I was starting to remember. The shadow in that dream had been nothing more than a curling swirl of black. But this was almost human like. It’s fingers weren't black as curling, it had a face. One that vaguely reminded me of Tamlin.

"Nesta."

"Don't you look at her," it stood beside Cassian. I came over and touched his hand. Together we were stronger.

"Oh good. You're both here. I can kill both mates with one stone."

Cassian's anger rippled between us. I could feel it.  The shadow kept smiling and it was almost has if the room around us disappeared. Because the room turned cold and then I heard myself scream. The thing smiled, he knew we weren’t going to win. Whatever it was, it was stronger, it was colder. That smile told me enough. 

Cassian jumped in front of me as the shadow tried to grab me. I felt the cold through him as the shadow slammed into his chest. He didn't move, his eyes wide as the shadow slashed its nail right down his stomach. Blood bubbled out of his lips, his eyes rolled backwards. He didn’t stand a chance, I felt his pain. It crippled him, whatever that thing was it knew what it was doing. 

The fight was over as quickly as it had begun. I screamed, Cassian faltered. "Cass," the shadow laughed as his knees buckled. I grabbed him, his weight forcing us both to the floor faster than I anticipated. I fell, his head landing in my lap instead of on the hard floor.

"Well I guess this time it's not you," the shadow was staring at me as Cassian gasped for air, "it's the pretty boy saving you."

Tears filled my eyes. I pressed my hands against either side of his face, "Cassian, hey. Look at me."

The shadow stepped forward but I grabbed my angel and something happened. Heat pulsed through me and into the black thing. It burst and then he cowered away. He left as fast as he had come and we were back in the bar. Light filled the room, everyone was talking and laughing as if nothing had just happened. I was on the other side, holding a bleeding Cassian in my arms.

Cassian gasped for air, blood still trickled out of his lips. I didn’t think, I was on autopilot. I pulled his phone out of his pocket. I clicked on his uncle's name. It felt like the phone rang forever, until he finally answered, "hello?"

"Luc. It's Nesta. I need help, Cassian," my voice broke. My heart could barely beat, his was fading inside my cheek, "please help me."

"I'll be right there."

I hung up, pressing my hand against Cassian's check, "stay with me, please. I don't want to lose you."

His brown eyes opened, "Nessa. I. Love."

His eyes fell closed again and he stopped talking. I shook my head as the door opened and Lucien came running in, Beron not far behind. They pulled Cassian away from me, picking him up as if he weighed nothing. I stood watching them leave with him, unaware of the eyes watching everything that had just happened.

I looked down at my hands. They were covered in blood. In my mates blood. They started to shake as I realized I could barely feel his heart beating. I took in a breath, I was frozen. My heart hurt, it ached when I realized how terrible this was.

"Nesta," Lucien's voice hit me and I ran after them. I didn't even tell Joe, I just followed, “he’s going to be okay.”

I got into the car behind them, pulling Cassian’s head back on my lap. I kept my hands on his skin, remembering that mates were stronger when they were touching. I didn’t say anything, I choked on the tears that were filling my throat. I needed him to survive, I needed him to be okay. I couldn’t lose him. I knew in that very moment why it was me that always went first.

Because I couldn’t survive without Cassian.

The car ride back to the Lucien’s house was silent. Cassian kept gasping for air, tears streamed down my cheeks as I held onto him. Blood was dripping from his wound onto my hands, but I didn’t care. I held onto him with everything I had, praying to whoever was up there listening that they would give us one last chance against whatever this shadow world wanted. 

Beron said my name, but I didn’t answer. I couldn’t take my eyes off of Cassian’s pale face. I couldn’t think about anything other than the fact that Cassian’s heart, the one that sat beside mine, was slowly fading into nothing inside my chest.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In a rut with writing, updates will be slow. I'm sorry. But I do love this story and I've written the ending. It's just that I have to get there.

"Lay him down on the bed," Cassian was covered in blood, so was I. It stained my hands my shirt. His blood, my mate’s blood. But I pushed that out of my head as I followed both men into the room that was his and refused to leave as they tore open his shirt. The wound was deep and it looked angry. Almost as if there was something inside of it.

I cringed, "Luc."

He shook his head, "you just hold his hand."

I swallowed, my blood covered hand found his. I held on for dear life as Lucien started to clean off his chest and Beron got some medical supplies. I felt light headed and I knew that was Cassian affecting me. His heart was barely a murmur inside my chest. I held onto the faint beat as hard as I could. I held him here with me, I knew I couldn’t do this without him.

I didn’t want to live without him ever again.

It took them forever to patch him up. My hands were shaking, my body was fighting to stay awake. But Lucien nodded once a large white bandage was across the wound that would scar. The shadow had forever marked my mate. I had spent the better half of this hour wiping away silent tears that fell down my cheeks. I bit my lip, I didn't want to cry anymore.

"Will he be okay?" I whispered softly as Beron went to wash his hands.

"As long as you two keep touching I think he got lucky. The wound looks worse than it is. He just lost a lot of blood fast. Can you still feel him?"

I nodded, "just barely."

"Good. That's good. Just hold onto him okay?"

I let out a breath and sat down on the side of the bed. I was more than grateful to have a purpose, to help my mate when he needed it the most, "I can do that."

I watched the rise and fall of his chest, timing it to make sure he was still breathing normally. I laced our fingers together, trying to will some of my life into his. I took in a deep breath and wondered just how this had happened. One moment we were happy and I had forgotten about our problems. The next that shadow had brought Cassian to his knees.

Because he had protected me. He stepped in front of the shadow to save me. 

Helion cleared his throat, “I can’t see him,” he whispered softly as Lucien stood there watching me, “I don’t know what that means. I don’t.”

Lucien silenced him with a glared and pulled him out of the room before he could upset me more. My eyes filled with tears. If Helion couldn’t see Cassian anymore, did that mean his future was over? Would he actually wake up even if I kept ahold of his hand. His chest was going up and down, but his face was still so pale. He looked so fragile, so vulnerable my heart hurt. I could barely feel his anymore.

"Cass," I whispered, my voice breaking, "I love you. Please don't. Don't leave me."

I wiped away a tear, my hands still covered in his blood. I needed to clean myself up, but I couldn't leave him. Lucien said I had to hold his hand, to touch him until it was safe to let him go. I wasn't going to let him go too early. I tried to pull myself together when the door opened. This time only Lucien was there. He watched me for a moment, afraid to break the spell and make me cry again.

He came into the room and sat down on the chair that as across from Cassian’s bed.

Lucien sighed as he looked from me to Cassian and back again, "I think you two should know the truth. You need to protect yourselves and I don't know what Tomas is planning."

Cassian looked so pale in the light of his room. I pressed the cold cloth against his clammy skin, "the truth about what, Luc?"

Cassian's uncles eyes went soft, "I can see why he fell in love with you. God you're beautiful, you're perfect. You took to Cassian so fast, he calls you his family now. I just... can't believe this is you. You're beautiful. So much more than any other life I've known you in."

I blushed, "I love him. With my entire body and soul. Tell me what happens, Lucien. I need to protect him. I need... to know he'll live even if I don't."

"What happens to you and Cassian. The curse. It isn't fair. They said it would take years for you to come back this way. But you aren't," he sighed and I saw tears gather in his eyes. "Don't ask me how, but they said when you were different, we would know. And I know this time... you won't find your way back after they take you."

"Who? Who takes me?" I was holding onto Cassian's arm tightly. I just wanted him to open his eyes, to tell me this wasn't real. To reassure me he wouldn't let anything pull us apart.

Lucien sighed, "the shadows. They take you from him."

I swallowed a lump in my throat, "why?"

He shook his head, "we've never known why but now I think. I think it's because of Tomas. What he's doing now, he's always done. He just hid it, he just kept it a secret."

I closed my eyes and a tear slipped down my cheek, "because once upon a time he says I chose him."

I opened my eyes. Lucien nodded as if he already knew the story. He flashed his hands together as I tried to remember. I knew I never would, but that didn't mean I would stop trying.

"But then Cassian was crafted, a piece of your soul born into flesh. And you never looked, never even saw another male except for him."

I winced, "Lucien. I will do whatever I have to do to protect Cassian."

"You always have," he smiled softly, like it pained him, "I've watched as you sacrificed yourself, so the shadows wouldn't follow time and time again. I've been the one who picked up the pieces of my nephews heart. Trust me Nesta, I am trying as hard as I can to find a way to make sure you both live this time."

"But if we can't. Promise me. Promise me you'll make sure it's him."

"Funny," his hair was bright in the dim lighting, "he ask me the same thing."

I bit my lip, "Cassian hasn't had an easy life. But the little boy I remember is still there. I see him whenever he touches me, when he smiles at a stupid joke I make. I want him to have a better life. I want him to believe in himself."

"He's a better man since he found you again," Lucien sighed and then shook his head, "I never should have let them take him away. Maybe. If I had tried harder we wouldn't be fighting another war."

I pushed my hair behind my ear and wiped the sweat off Cassian's forehead. He was still burning up, "it's not your fault. I just wish. I wish I had tried harder."

We both stopped talking as bits and pieces of a life I barely remembered came to me. I always died stepping in front of Cassian as the shadows came. They didn't stop, they found their way into my body, they crushed the life right out of me. Because they thought I would belong to them once I left this world.

The dream I had of Tomas, the one I never told anyone I had remembered, suddenly made sense. If the shadows always thought I belonged to them, then Tomas had been corrupted by them as well. I shook my head, wishing I had another way out of this mess. Wishing I could go to sleep knowing I would see tomorrow. That Cassian and I had a future together.

"He needs another cloth," Lucien whispered as he watched me throw the rag onto the nightstand. I didn't say anything, I kept staring at my mate. His face was twisted in pain, his hair was wet with sweat. I needed the fever to break. I needed him to open his eyes and wake up.

I leaned in and kissed his forehead, wishing I could take it all away. But Cassian wasn't the princess in some story book. He wouldn't wake with a kiss, he wouldn't survive on our love alone. I knew without a doubt that one of us wouldn't survive. I was already trying to figure out a way to make sure it was me.

"Have you told my nephew?" His voice was soft as I ran my fingers down Cassian's cheek. He was unconscious, but I knew he could feel me. I brought my eyes up to Lucien's, "about your decision?"

I shook my head, "no."

"It is and always has been your choice to save him. But. Just remember you are different this time. You aren't as durable. The curse has weakened you."

"I won't come back," I whispered softly. Lucien nodded.

"Have you told him?" I knew the second question was coming. Tears filled my eyes. I shook my head again, my throat dry, "I won't tell you what to do. But I think you should be honest with him. He needs to know someone loves him. Before you decide which path to take."

I bit my lip hard as Lucien stood up, "I'll be back to check on him in a few hours. Don't let go of him, you're helping heal him. Even if you don't think you are."

Once Lucien closed the door behind him it all hit me. His words, everything he had told me. I was cursed because I had fallen in love with Cassian all those years ago. We were never allowed to be happy because Tomas thought I belonged to him. In another world I had chosen him and now he wanted to bring that world back.

I climbed in the bed with my mate, wishing he was awake to wrap his arms around me. I blew out a shaky breath and laid my head on Cassian's shoulder as the full weight of it all pressed against my chest. My lungs squeezed, the world seemed to fall out from under me. I couldn't stop the tears as they fell, my heart breaking as I realized I was truly fated to die.

—— 

My fingers kept twitching as I held his hand. My eyes burned from watching his chest rise and fall. It had been hours since we brought him into this room, the sun had faded from the sky. The room was dark, I didn’t have the strength to get up and turn the light on. I was exhausted but I refused to leave his side. That shadow had been going for me. I was the one who should be laying here not Cassian. He stepped in front of it to protect me.

And now that was a giant gash across his stomach and my touch wasn't healing him. I blew out a breath, the sun was starting to set. He had been out for the entire day. 

Lucien opened the door. He had left me hours ago to watch over my mate, to let me have a few moments alone with him. His deep voice startled me, I had grown used to the quiet, "Nesta you should really get some rest. You don't have to leave, but take a shower, lay down. Cassian is going to be okay."

My lip trembled as the emotions flooded me, "that's not true. Helion said he couldn't see him anymore. You and Beron aren't sure he'll wake up. You told me to keep touching him, but I’m not healing him. If I let go he might need me."

Lucien let out a slow breath and came into the room, "Nesta Cassian is strong and so are you. Helion is a seer and whenever something goes wrong he can't see a certain member of our family. If you let go of his hand for five minutes it’ll be okay. I know it will be okay. Please, take a shower. Stay the night here, but get some rest. I'll watch Cassian."

I was covered in dirt. I hadn't left Cassian's side since the shadow attacked us in the bar. I couldn’t stop replying the fight over and over inside my head. I still didn’t completely understand what had happened. How the events of this afternoon had led me here, to this bed. Holding onto my mate for dear life. 

I let out a slow breath, "okay. I um. I'll get a shower. But I'm sleeping in here."

Lucien smiled, "I wouldn't have expected any different."

I looked down at Cassian’s face, some of the color had returned. I pressed a kiss against his forehead, hoping he knew I was here with him. I stood up and walked to the bathroom before I could rethink leaving him. I turned on the hot water and stepped into it. It felt heavenly as it sprayed against my skin. The water turned brown as the blood washed off of me. I watched it, wondering if that was the last piece of Cassian I would see. I sighed, the weight of the entire day crashing down around me. I didn't stop the tears as they came.

If Cassian didn't wake up my soul would be crushed. He was mine, we were meant to live a life together. I struggled to bring in air as I washed my hair, wishing I had my ability so I could heal him. 

I finished my shower and dried off. I stopped when I saw clothes folded up on the counter. Lucien must have left a pair of Cassian's clothes by the door. I pulled on a clean pair of boxers and his shirt. They were both too big but I wouldn't complain. Because Cassian's scent wrapped around me and for a moment I forgot he was fighting for his life.

I closed my eyes and took a moment to collect myself before I opened the door. My dirty clothes were gone, again I assumed Lucien had taken them to be washed. I walked back to my mate's bedroom, exhaustion hitting me like a ton of bricks. I sat down in the bed beside him and picked his hand back up.

"Please be okay," I whispered against his skin, "I can't lose you again."

Cassian's chest expanded, as if he was sighing, and then I laid down beside him. I curled myself against him and closed my eyes. I knew I wouldn't get any real sleep, afraid I would hurt him during the night. But at least he was here. At least I would try. I didn’t want him to wake up without me, I didn’t want him to be alone. So I curled up beside him and closed my eyes, hoping and praying that we could have a happy ending this time.


	11. Chapter 11

I woke up and something was tickling me. I flinched before I realized that it was a finger running across my skin. My eyes darted open, the room was still dark. Cassian's brown eyes were open and he was watching me sleep. My heart soared as I took in the fact that he was awake, that he was breathing and he was here with me. His calm still couldn't reach me, but he was awake.

"Cass," my voice broke as I sat up and debated between hugging him and strangling him. My hands shook, "Cassian don't you ever scare me like that again."

He laughed as I made my decision and wrapped my arms around his neck and hugged him tightly. I pressed a kiss against his shoulder, as I felt him take in a deep breath. Both our bodies sighed with relief as they found each other. It was slow and a little painful. Not as bad as the withdrawals we had suffered in the beginning, but it was enough to make me wince.

“I thought.. I thought I lost you,” my voice broke as I held on tighter, “I couldn’t begin to imagine a life without you. Because you were selfish and stepped in front of me. I can’t,” I pulled back and placed my hand on his bruised cheek, “I… you promised me a life together, that we fight together.”

I couldn’t get those three little words out, not yet. Because I wasn’t telling him the whole truth. Because I was scolding him for the same thing I was thinking about doing myself. Still I held his gaze as his thumb brushed against the corner of my lips and his dimples pushed out as he offered me a small smile.

"I will always protect you," he whispered softly, "I would do it again, even though it hurts like hell."

I shook my head, "I told you we take care of each other, Cass. I can't. God I thought I lost you. And that hurt more than anything, it scared me so badly. I just got you back."

His big hands came to frame my face and my babbling stopped as his eyes met mine, "Nesta I love you. And I will always, always put your life before mine. Because you are my mate, my soul given life. I'm sorry I scared you okay?”

My body went stiff as he said those words. We hadn’t told each other how we felt, not yet anyways. I knew I loved him, hell I had told Lucien as much last night. But I was still taken back by him saying it with such casual flare, as if it was common knowledge. I let out a breath, my finger pressing against his lips and stopping whatever else he was about to say.

“You love me,” I whispered softly.

He smiled, realizing what had just happened, “yeah. I’ve wanted to tell you so many times, but I didn’t want to scare you. But I do. I love you Nesta Acheron. So much it might one day kill me. And I will always, always put your life before mine.”

I shook my head, “no Cassian. If we go we go together," I whispered softly, leaning in and pressing my forehead to his, "because I love you too. And I'm just as selfish."

He laughed slightly which turned into a grunt from the pain. He pressed a kiss to my cheek, "okay. It's a deal, my love."

He winced again as I pulled away, "do you need anything? I can get your uncle he said he could find some pain medicine. Helion and Beron left after I fell asleep, but I’m sure they can come back if you need something I can’t get.”

"No," he pulled me back, "don't find him. You're the only pain medicine I need."

I blushed as he leaned in and kissed me softly. I smiled into the kiss, sighing happily as he pulled away. I snuggled into his side, his arm around me without me having to keep it there now. I closed my eyes, tired because I hadn’t actually slept last night. I had been too worried about him to sleep. I tossed and turned, wondering if I had hurt him, if he was going to wake up.

I pressed my hand against Cassian's chest, feeling his heart beat underneath my hand as well as inside my own chest, "are you sure you're okay? Because you looked horrible, Cass and I could barely feel your heart."

He smiled. That crooked smile that pushed in his dimple, his dark hair cascading around his beautiful face. He looked at me through his dark lashes and pulled my hand away from his chest. He pressed his lips to my palm and then guided it back down to where it had been. He pressed my hand, with his over it, back over his heart.

"My heart is still right here beside yours," his voice was soft, hoarse from disuse, "you won't lose me, ever Nesta. I am yours and you are mine."

"But the curse. Lucien," I stopped as Cassian shook his head.

"My uncle knows the past, what happened before. But this is ours, this moment, this life is ours to change. I won't let the shadows take you. And I will never let Tomas touch you."

I nodded slowly, biting my lip, "do you remember... where you were? Did you see things?"

He shook his head, "no. My body was just burning from the gash and the world was hazy. But when you held my hand, when you curled up beside me, the pain stopped. You saved me, Nessa."

I leaned in and kissed his lips, "I will always save you."

He grunted as I moved, "did I hurt you? I'm sorry," I started to pull away but Cassian held me tighter. He shook his head, his lips grazing the top of my head.

"I will endure this pain any day, as long as it means you're here, beside me. I felt you worrying, when I woke up. I felt you scared and alone because you thought I wouldn't make it through the night. I can bare my own pain, but I cannot bare knowing that I caused you pain, Nessa. You're my heart, my soul."

I wiped away a tear, "but you're awake and you're okay. Let's just. Move on."

I swallowed the words of his uncle, afraid speaking them would make us both even more upset. I wanted him to get better. I would tell him about the curse, my feelings, and the promise I made his uncle give me, when the time was right. I closed my eyes again, trying not think too hard about everything Lucien had said last night.

We sat together in the bed and then Cassian let out a long breath. I looked up and found him staring at me, as if I had been the one who almost bled to death last night. I ran my finger over the cloth on his chest, wondering what the scar would look like. I pressed a kiss to his warm skin once again and then Cassian’s hand went down to my hips and squeezed it gently.

"I um. Was going to surprise you with this yesterday, after you were done at work,” he whispered as he pushed himself out of the bed. “But obviously things didn’t go as planned.”

"Cassian you can do this later. Lay back down, it's barely morning."

He flashed me a smile, "I want to do it now. I feel fine Nesta. There's just a big scratch on my stomach. And the longer you keep touching me, the better I feel.”

"You nearly bled out," I sat up on my knees as he pulled a guitar out from his closet, "I would say that it's more than a scratch."

He shrugged, sitting down in the chair he pulled over from his desk. I sighed, knowing he was going to do what he wanted, and sat up completely. I pulled his shirt down, his eyes going up and down, taking in the fact that I was wearing his clothes. I blushed slightly.

“Your uncle gave me these when I got a shower,” I whispered softly, “I um. Stop staring at me like that.”

“You look adorable in my clothes,” he said softly as he tuned the guitar he had picked up. He bit his lip, which made me blush more. It was as if he had never been injured last night, the way he was staring at me, the way he was moving without a single problem. Maybe he was healed, maybe sleeping beside me had really healed him more than we knew it would. 

Cassian smiled again as I looked down, pushing my hair behind my ear. I had never felt so flustered, so nervous around Cassian before. This was the boy I had known since we were kids. And yet the way he was staring at me stirred butterflies up in my stomach. I took in a breath as he strummed a few chords and then started to play.

My mouth fell open once the melody began. I recognized it right away, he was playing the first song we ever danced to. I shook my head as my heart hammered inside my chest. Tears filled my eyes as he started to sing. He had such a beautiful voice, deep and rich, smooth as honey. 

"When your legs don't work like they used to before. And I can sweep you off of your feet. Will your mouth still remember the taste of my love? Will your eyes still smile from your cheek? Darling I will be loving you, till we're seventy..."

I wiped away a tear as I took in a breath. I started to sing with him, "I'm thinking bout how people fall in love in mysterious ways.. maybe just the touch of a hand. Well me I fall in love with you every single day. I just want to tell you I am..."

He sang the rest of the song, his eyes never leaving mine as his fingers played the notes easily. He never told me he played the guitar, he never told me he could sing. I never read it either. Maybe he could still surprise me. I shook my head, every single piece of my heart here in this moment bursting at the seams for him.

"Cass," I whispered as he finished, setting the guitar down. He crawled back into the bed, his body covering mine. 

I arched my back and kissed him, my hands framing his face. His long hair was unbound, hanging down and tickling my shoulders as he lowered his chest closer to mine. I pushed my entire being into that kiss, to show him what he almost lost. To let him know that my entire heart and my entire soul belonged to him. That what I went through last night, I never wanted to go through again. I never wanted to be so close to losing him, I never wanted to be away from him.

We were both gasping for air as he pulled away. He kissed my cheek, the corner of my mouth. His brown eyes were dark and rich as he caught my eyes and held them with his gaze. He took in a deep breath and ran his finger across my collar bone. I shivered as he touched me.

"I love you Nesta. I have ever since we were kids. You're my heart, my soul. And if I die protecting you then it will be a happy death. Because as long as you live, then so do I."

"Cassian," my voice broke as I shook my head, "I love you too. And I don't want to live without you. You promised me a future, a life together. It's you and me now. Don't sacrifice yourself for me. Because a life without you isn't a life at all."

Tears filled his eyes and he sighed, leaning his forehead against mine. His big arms strained to keep his weight off of me. I kissed him again, pushing my entire body into it. I had never been so in love with someone, so taken and completely at a loss for words, as I was in this moment. 

He was my heart, my soul, my life. Where he ended I began. I ran my hand along the tattoo on his chest, his heart skipping a beat as I touched him. 

"I would love to finish this," I whispered, his hand pulling at his shirt that covered me. His fingers snuck under the hem and brushed against my stomach, "but you need to rest."

He stuck his bottom lip out, my breath catching as his fingers brushed my chest, "I'm fine."

"Cassian," my voice was stern but filled with lust, "you're not. You can barely keep your eyes open. Lay down."

I pushed his shoulder and he rolled off of me. He didn't protest and I knew he was still in pain. I went to move back, to give him space, but he didn't let me. He pulled me into his side and wrapped his arms around me. He pressed another kiss to my neck and sighed happily.

"You love me," there was a smile in his voice.

"I always have," I whispered, playing with the hands he wrapped around my waist. I tilted my head as his breath hit my neck, "and as long as you don't do something stupid like this again, I always will."

He laughed, it vibrated through him. But he winced and I turned around to face him, "don't strain yourself, Cass. Let's go back to sleep."

He nodded, "thank you sweetheart."

I kissed him sweetly, "no need to thank me. I'm your mate."

His eyes sparkled before he closed them, "I know. And I'm the luckiest bastard in this entire world."

I blushed as he fell back asleep, too worried to follow him. So instead I laid there in his arms watching him rest, counting the number of breaths he took and wondering if we really would make it out alive this time.


	12. Chapter 12

It took Cassian two whole days to get better. The first day I had to help him to and from the bathroom and he slept a lot. The second day his strength returned and he seemed to be healing normally. I stayed at his house, only telling Feyre the truth. She told Elain I was with Cassian but not what had happened. We didn't want to worry her, to involve her in the world even Feyre didn't truly belong in.

I didn't have to worry about my sisters because Rhysand had taken it upon himself to watch over them. Once he heard what happened to his brother he went to my house and according to my youngest sister he just hasn't left. He slept on the couch after they all watched a movie. He helped Feyre with her painting and even went out to help Elain in the garden.

My heart broke knowing my sisters were falling in love with someone they could never have. But I was thankful for him, because he had protected them when I was caught up in my own life. I hadn't even considered the shadows going after them. All I had been worried about was my mate.

It was mid afternoon on the third day after the attack and we were laying in Cassian's bed. I didn't let him do much, I didn't want him to exert more energy than he needed to. I wanted him to get better, which meant he needed plenty of rest and cuddling from me. It wasn't a terrible thing, the whole our touch heals each other.

We were laying there sort of watching a movie. Every once and a while Cassian would laugh. But mostly he would press kisses along my shoulder. I would turn and he would kiss me. We would move towards more until he winced under my hands and I'd pull away. That had been our pattern for the last hour.

I sighed, closing my eyes and feeling the weight of my secret, of everything the last few days had brought, press against my shoulders. A lump choked me whenever I tried to start telling Cassian what Lucien had told me. That I was different that this time would be the last.

But I didn't want to worry him. I didn't want to burst our little bubble. So I stopped myself, believing I would tell him in an hour or two. Or tomorrow. Or the next day. Knowing I wouldn't be able to find the strength to tell my mate, my soul bonded, that I was going to die.

I blinked away tears as I opened my eyes. Those visions I had had when we first met would never come true. He would never see me at the end of an aisle, waiting for him and wearing red. We would never dance together in front of our family and friends, declaring our love in front of the world. I would never take his last name, I would never give him children.

Our life was here and now. But our love was forever. It was painful knowing this had happened time and time again. All because a jealous male cursed us for falling in love. 

I shook my head, pushing my thoughts away and focusing on this moment. I sighed loudly and Cassian turned his brown eyes towards me. I curled into him on instinct. I knew our days were numbered. I didn't know when or how, but I knew it wouldn't be long. So I wanted to curl into him as much as I could.

I wanted to love him every moment of every day to make up for the life he would soon have to live without me.

"Hey," Cassian kissed my neck, right under my jaw, "let's go to your house tonight. I'm tired of this room and Beron said I'm fine."

I rolled so I was on my side, "you really want my sisters to fuss over you? They're going to beg you to make dinner," I ran my finger down his chest. He was warm even without a shirt on, "hell I might beg you to make dinner."

He laughed, "you don't have to beg, love. I'll make you dinner. Come on let's get dressed. I want fresh air."

I smiled and watched him move slowly. He pulled on a new shirt, covering his bandaged scar. Then he pulled on a pair of jeans. I approved of the view as he turned and found me still in bed.

"What are you doing?"

"I don't have any clothes here and I'm not putting those back on. I'll change when we get to my house," I sat up on my knees and wrapped my arms around him. I brushed my nose against his, "I love you."

He took in a deep breath as if he was breathing me into his lungs, "I love you too, Nessa. My Nessa."

He kissed me softly and I smiled as he wrapped his arms around my waist. I couldn't get enough of this, of him. After almost losing him this time felt precious. Our days were numbered now, whether Cass knew it or not. I did. I closed my eyes and held onto him, praying that he would be able to find life after us.

I pulled away and laced my fingers through his.

I drove Cassian's truck to my house. Cassian's warm palm was pressed against my thigh. I took in a breath as I parked in the driveway and suddenly realized I was going to have to share him with my sisters.

I bit the inside of my cheek, "you sure you're okay? Like okay enough that I'm pretty sure they're going to attack you."

He laughed and leaned into me, "I am perfectly fine, Nessa. I miss your sisters and I know you do too," he kissed my cheek, "don't worry. You won't have to share me long."

I smiled, pressing my lips to his, "I never want to share you again."

We pulled apart and got out of the truck. Cassian grabbed my hand as we made our way into the house. Someone squealed loudly as I shut the door and I saw Rhys tickling Feyre on the couch. They looked so cute together, they looked like they could be a couple.

Feyre pulled herself upright and was breathing heavily, "Nesta! Cass!" She jumped up and hugged Cassian first, "you're okay. Rhys told me," she took a step back and looked at my mate, "you don't look like you're dying."

He laughed, "well your sister took really good care of me," he pulled me into his side and Feyre smiled as she watched us together, "I see Rhys has been watching over you."

Feyre blushed, "yes. He said it wasn't a good idea to leave us alone so Lucien asked him to hangout here. He's been a perfect gentleman," her eyes found mine, "you don't have to worry about us Nes."

I nodded and leaned into Cassian, "thanks Rhys. Where's Elain?"

He nodded, "she went out with a few girls an hour ago. So what are you guys doing here?"

"Cass wanted a change of scenery. And I figured we could make dinner for you guys," Feyre bit her lip as I stopped, "what?"

"We uh. We're just on our way out."

"That's fine," Cassian spoke before I could, "I'll make Nessa and I dinner. You two go have fun."

Feyre hugged Cassian and then kissed his cheek. Rhys nodded at both of us and then they disappeared. I shook my head as Cassian kissed my temple.

"Now this is what I really wanted. You and me and dinner."

I hugged him from the side, "Cass. Rhys and Feyre seem close," I shook my head, "I can't watch her get her heart broken again."

He kissed the top of my head, "don't worry about them Nessa. Rhys, he knows the rules. Beron told me dating have been out of the question. He knows."

I sighed, "my sister is stubborn. She'll push him."

Cassian laughed, "I wonder where she ever got that from."

I rolled my eyes, "if you weren't recovering I'd make you pay for that comment."

He laughed and then pulled me around to his chest. He wrapped his arms around me and I giggled as his fingers slipped over his too big shirt. His other hand cupped my hip and he leaned in.

"Well," his breath was warm on my mouth, "there's nothing wrong with being stubborn," he smiled as his eyes flashed, "but maybe you should punish me."

I giggled as his fingers squeezed my hip and then he pressed his lips to mine. I was gone, his big arms picking me up and carrying me to the counter. I gasped for air as his lips moved to my neck. I ran my fingers down his chest, stopping when my nails hit the edge of his bandage.

He was standing between my legs, the heat radiating off both of us, "Cass," I tried to regain my senses, "what about... mmhm. Dinner."

I curled into him as his teeth skimmed along my neck. I gasped as his fingers slipped over the waist band of his boxers. I closed my eyes, my head was spinning. Whenever he touched me like this I never wanted him to stop. A moment floated towards me. A vision I had never had, but was happening right now. This moment, my mate, my soul bonded and I losing ourselves in each other.

I wrapped my legs around his waist, well aware we couldn't push this any further. But Cassian leaned in closer to me, making me gasp as he strained against his jeans, "Nesta," his deep voice was so much better laced with lust. With love.

"Cassian," I drug his name out as his fingers brushed against my underwear, "we can't. Dinner. You're still hurt."

I opened my eyes and a breeze cooled my blazing skin down. Cassian kept staring at me, his fingers were still, his cheeks were red. I pulled back and put my hand against his cheek.

"As soon as you're in one piece," I pressed my hand against his heart, "Cass. I don't want to hurt you. Or for you to hurt yourself."

"Well then," he smiled as he knelt down. A flash of a wince and then it was gone. He kissed up my thigh before he pulled down the shorts I was wearing, "let me take care of you."

I didn't have time to fight him. He slipped his fingers between my legs at the same moment his tongue pressed against me. My entire body lurched forward as my moan filled the empty house. I gasped and moved against him, my eyes snapping closed as waves crashed around me. I was halfway there already, our kissing enough to start the building in my stomach.

"Cassian," my fingers found his head and tangled themselves in his hair, "shit Cass. Oh my god. Please."

I whined as his tongue went faster, my hips swaying up and down. I pushed his face against me, well aware of the fact that this was all happening on the kitchen counter. My mind was spinning, I couldn't think or feel anything but my mate. I screamed as the first wave crashed, my core tightening around the second finger he pushed in.

I fell against the cold counter as he worked me. My legs tightened around his neck and I cried out his name once more when my release came. I sat up, my finger pushing through his hair as the waves of pleasure rained down. Cassian worked me through it slowly, his fingers losing speed as he kissed my thighs.

"Cass," my face was flushed as he stood up, his pants even more strained. I couldn't think for a moment. All I could feel, all I could do was look at my mate and see the person would made me totally unravel. The male I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

I bit my lip as he leaned forward, "I take it that was to your liking," he whispered before kissing me. I smiled, wrapping my arms around his shoulder and pulling him in. I whimpered as his jeans brushed against my now naked lower half.

"Cass," I was breathless, "I need to take care of you."

He laughed and it was low and dark against my shoulder, "I'm fine, Nesta."

I started to argue as he rocked against me. I groaned again, he was moving in a way that was already building me back up and he was barely touching me, "tease," I gasped as he kept doing it. Over and over, slowly he moved in a rhythm that had me panting.

He laughed again, "I loved seeing you like this," he spoke low in my ear, "watching you come undone. Hearing my name, a prayer on your lips. I love it. I love you."

I nodded, "mmhm," I replied even though a million things were going through my mind. I gasped, clinging to him as his fingers moved to my chest. He pinched my nipple hard through my shirt, causing me to curse.

"I love you," I finally replied, "let me love you, Cass. Please."

He shook his head, "not yet, sweetheart. I can't. Put you," he grunted, our bodies were sick of this torture, "in danger yet. We can't."

I unbuttoned his pants as I unraveled, cursing his name yet again as I came around the fingers he had slipped inside at the perfect moment. I pulled him into my hand and pumped long and hard. His appreciative groan made my inside melt. He leaned in and kissed me as I kept ahold of him. I didn't go slow, I ran my hand down the length of him and back up as fast as I could.

"Nessa. Shit."

I laughed as he pressed his weight against me and his entire body twitched. He bit down on my shoulder hard and I felt it deep in my center as he came. His breathing was loud and hot against my ear. He leaned on me for a moment after he was through his own waves of pleasure.

"We're in the kitchen," he whispered as he wrapped his arms around me, "I don't. Nesta I can't believe."

"Shh," I whispered as I kissed him, "I liked it. I didn't want to stop either."

I pushed hair hair out of his face before he reached into the sink and grabbed a cloth. He wiped off my hand first and then leaned himself. He pulled his pants back on as I readjusted his boxers on my waist. I sat up, grabbing his arm and pulling him back to me. I kissed him long and hard, letting him know it was just as good for me as it had been for him.

"I love you. Anywhere. Anytime. You're in my heart. You carry my heart," I smiled as I pressed my hand to his chest.

He nodded, "I just want our first official time to be... special."

I rolled my eyes, "it doesn't matter where or when it happens. It will be special. Because it will be with you," I whispered, my nose touching his, "I waited for you, Cass. That's all that matters to me."

He smiled again, kissing me softly before the front door opened and he jumped back. My cheeks were flushed but my feet found the floor just as Elain came into the kitchen and found us standing there trying to catch our breath.

"Did I.. interrupt something?" She asked taking off her coat.

"Nope," Cassian gave her that crooked smile. The one I had been falling in love with everyday now, "I was just getting ready to make dinner. Did you want to join us?"

My middle sister beamed, "gosh yes I'm starving."

She went to put her stuff in her room and I turned towards Cassian, “so much for our dinner date.”

He pressed a kiss to my cheek, “I’ll rock your world again later,” he whispered, his eyes sparkling. I laughed as I shook my head, “plus we haven’t spend a lot of time with Elain.”

I nodded, “yeah she hasn’t always been so independent. Feyre is usually the one running off like she did with Rhys. So what are you going to make?” I asked as I took up post at the island and watched him go to the fridge. We didn’t have a lot of food in there, but I had a feeling he could figure out something to make.

Cassian sighed through his nose, “what do you think about… turkey meatloaf? I haven’t made it in a while and you’ve got turkey in here that needs used.”

“I didn’t know that. Feyre must have gone to the store,” I smiled at him, “make whatever you want, I’ll eat it.”

“What an easy date,” he laughed at his own joke and I rolled my eyes. 

Elain came back to the kitchen, changed into a pair of sweat pants and a tee shirt. She smiled at me and then wrapped her arms around my shoulders. She hugged me from the side and I was taken back for a second. I wasn’t sure why she was hugging me, if something was wrong.

“Everything okay?” I asked as she pulled away and sat down beside me.

She gave me her sweet little smile, “yeah I just heard Cass got hurt and I figured you were worrying about him. I wanted to find you, to make sure you were okay. Everyone was worried about Cassian and no offense,” she looked at my mate and smiled, “I was worried about you.”

Leave it to Elain to make me feel like crying once again. Not because she was worrying about me when I almost lost the love of my life. But because as she spoke I realized that if I was to die, I would be leaving her behind. I would be leaving Elain alone, I would be leaving both my sisters without any parent. We had lost our mother when we were so young, then our father checked out. If I were to leave this world behind, they wouldn’t have any type of parent anymore.

I swallowed the lump in my throat as Cassian looked at me. I had a feeling he had been reading me, because his face was pale. I shook my head, trying to push down tears as I looked at my little sister and hugged her tightly. 

“I’m fine Elain, I was too busy worrying about Cass to think of calling you and Feyre. I’m sorry I didn’t check in, I’m sorry you worried about me,” my voice was thick with tears, “sometimes I forget that even though you guys aren’t small anymore, you still need me.”

“We don’t need you. But we love you,” she said softly, her voice was always soft, as if she was afraid to let her opinions out of her beautiful mind, “which means we worry and we care. Next time just call. I mean I know you sent Rhysand but it didn’t help me. It helped Feyre,” she rolled her eyes, “but I still worried how you were doing.”

I smiled, “there won’t be a next time. Cassian isn’t allowed to get hurt ever again.”

Cassian was packing the meat into a loaf watching us. I swallowed the conversation I had had with Lucien earlier, trying to forget the promise I had made myself. I had to sacrifice myself, I had to let go of this world in order to save both my sisters and my mate. If I didn’t the shadows would never stop. The shadows would hunt me and then for the rest of our lives because they could.

Elain’s phone chimed and she squealed, “I’ll be right back.”

She picked it up and I heard the excitement in her voice. I had a feeling there was a guy on the other end. I shook my head as Cassian blew out a breath. He was waiting for me. He had read me, he knew what I had been thinking about. I never let my mind wander towards the plan I had. Well not so much as a plan, but the stories Lucien had given me. I knew there would come a moment when I had to make the decision.

“So,” he finally broke the silence, “were you ever going to tell me?”

“Tell you what?” I knew playing dumb wouldn’t help. But I didn’t exactly know what I was planning. Just that I had to protect the people I loved.

Cassian shot me a glare as he finished putting the meal together and put it in the oven. He stood there, with his back towards me, for a beat too long. I had a feeling he was trying to figure out how to have this conversation without it turning into a fight. My body was already revolting at the idea of fighting with him. I waited for him to speak, I didn’t break the silence. 

Finally he turned around and instead of seeing anger, of seeing the rage I had been anticipating, I saw tears in his eyes. I stood up before I could think it through. I walked towards him and pressed my hands against his cheek. A tear fell down his cheek slowly, his bottom lip trembled.

“Cass,” I whispered softly.

He shook his head and pushed my hand away, “don’t pretend like you care. You know. You know you’re going to do something stupid, something that’s going to take you away from me. You’ve been planning it, probably with my uncle while I was recovering from that shadow attack. And you didn’t tell me.”

I couldn’t stand the pain I had caused him. Not because I could feel it inside my heart, the breaking of his as he realized what had happened. But standing there, seeing him struggle to pull himself together was the worst thing I had ever had to endure. I could handle a million wounds like the one he had suffered, but seeing him in pain brought me to my knees.

“I love you,” I whispered softly, almost too softly for him to hear, “I will do whatever I have to do to protect you. To make sure you get to live a life better than the one you’ve had.”

He shook his head, “I don’t want to live without you. I don’t want a life, a future, without the one I saw with you.”

I reached for him slowly, the pain of him rejecting me twice would be too much. To my surprise he didn’t push me away, he let my fingers brush against his warm skin, to brush away the tears that fell. I took a step forward and looked into his eyes, I tried to find myself in them again.

“I love you,” I repeated, “I want that life, that future too. But I will always protect you. I can’t bare to think about you in pain, Cassian. To see it, would kill me.”

“And you think I can bare knowing you would sacrifice yourself for me? To see you in pain knowing that you’ll leave your sisters behind? For me? I don’t care if I was your best friend when we were little, you’re my soul mate. You are my heart. My soul. I cannot live knowing you’re thinking about doing something stupid. Something that will take you away from me forever.”

“Lucien told you,” I whispered, pulling away and looking at my feet, “the same thing he told me.”

“He told me after we first touched. He told me you were different this time. He told me that you would… You would fight me on this same issue as well. You’ve apparently always been stubborn. And self sacrificing.”

I bit my lip and looked at my mate, the man I had dreamt about ever since he left my life fifteen years ago. If I had known he would come back and I would have to choose between a short and passionate love with him and a long life on my own, I would always choose him. I would always choose this, even this moment when we were both a million miles apart. Because it was better than never having him at all.

“Tomas has been quiet, that shadow isn’t the last we’ve seen but it’s been three days. Let’s just, not talk about this right now,” I said softly as I took a step forward. I needed to actually touch him. I needed to feel his skin and remind myself that somehow we were going to make it.

The bond throbbed with pain even though we weren’t fighting.

Cassian looked at me hard and then let out a slow breath, “this conversation isn’t over.”

The front door slammed open before I could say anything else. Rhysand came running in his face was flushed. Feyre wasn’t with him. My heart stopped, my body went cold. I looked at Rhys and I knew something terrible had happened.

“Rhysand.”

He shook his head, his throat bobbed. He pulled at the collar of his shirt and looked around. He bit his cheek, his hands went through his hair, “Nesta I uh. Nesta I’m sorry.”

I turned away from Cassian and went towards his brother, “what happened?”

“One minute she was there beside me laughing and we settled in to see the movie. She wanted butter on the popcorn and I went to get more. She loves the previews and didn't want to miss them so I told her to stay,” I knew my sister. I knew she loved the previews and she loved her popcorn. My hands were shaking, “and when I got back she was gone.”

“What?”

“I looked everywhere. I left the movie, I went up and down that theater. There were employees helping me, I even watched the fucking security tape. But she just vanished. She’s gone.”

“No.” I let out the word and my knees went weak. Cassian grabbed me before I fell, the air left my lungs. 

“Are you sure?”

“I wouldn’t lie about this Cassian. I don’t… know where she went.” He pulled at his hair, I had never seen it in such a disarray, “I’ve been everywhere and I have no idea what to do. She wouldn’t have left me there, I think. I think someone took her.”

The house was quiet and suddenly ice formed in my chest. I stood up and pushed away from Cassian. My gut told me something was wrong and I walked towards the hallway. I all but ran towards Elain’s room. The door was shut and there was no noise on the other side of it. I knocked once and silence followed.

I pushed open the door and the air rushed out of me again. Cassian came up behind me as the sob broke free of my chest and clawed it’s way up my throat. Elain’s room was empty, the window as open and the curtains were swaying in the breeze. Her phone was on the bed and it looked like she had struggled. Tears filled my eyes as Rhysand pushed his way in and picked up the paper I had missed, sitting there on the windowsill.

He cleared his throat as he read, “let’s play hide and seek. I’ll hide your sisters and you’ll seek me. Good luck, Nes. Tomas.”

Rhys looked up at me and I felt the world tilt and then suddenly my vision went black. I fell into Cassian’s arms as the exhaustion and the stress of the last five minutes finally caught up with me. I fainted before I could process the fact that Tomas had my sisters and I had no idea how to save them.


End file.
